Jon - I feel for you man. Here you are - a man that has been forced into divorce by your unhinged, lunatic wife with helmet hair, a short fuse and the stone cold stare.
I'm assuming your divorce is what you really wanted? I've been so concerned about your overall state of being. How have you been doing? No, look at me... I'm serious: How are you doing?
I've been up late at nights.
I know, I know - that bimbo you were out on the town with was nothing but a mirage; a fabricated floozy to get back at your wife. Nicely played. Nicely played.
Those eight kids of yours (Or is it 9? I lost count when I never paid attention in the first place) deserve better. They deserve you and Kate to hate each other from a distance and take pot shots at each other using the media - a much better outlet than face to face. This way, you can sit them in front of the television on weekends have have Mary Hart explain to them why you think their mom is a cruel, heartless witch.
Their future is secure. Not only do they have the money from the show to fall back on, but you are a very successful... what was it that you do again? Ah yes, you drive a minivan... At least they have the money from the show.
Do you need a place to crash for a couple days? I know a couple guys that have great couches (And swine flu, but I've heard that's not very contagious, right?!).
Maybe the judge will be like King Solomon and suggest cutting all the kids in half? If he does that, you might want to say, "Sure, go ahead!" You wouldn't mean it, but at least you won't be stuck taking care of 9 kids.
By the way, you always have the coolest sunglasses. What are those, Chanel? Versace? Do you wear those so your wife won't see that you are have been crying?
It's good that it is over. Now you can get on with your life. Now we can get on with our lives. Now, Mary Hart, Pat O'Brien and Mark McGrath can talk about something else. Now, the local news will have to find some other garbage fodder to fill their last 2 minutes.
If you need a shoulder to cry on, perhaps you could rent that floozy again? Don't call me. My wife is going to girls camp and I'll be busy.
Look at the bright side - now you can grow out that killer goatee without Kate getting all ferocious on your behind.