I hereby issue a cease and desist order for the following Christmas things:
1. The Little Drummer Boy as sung by Michael Bolton - Now I am not sure that it is really Michael Bolton singing, but it sure as hell sounds like Michael Bolton when it hits the Cozy 106.5 every 35 minutes or so. Thanks for ruining a perfectly good song Michael... again.
By the way, while I am on the topic of Michael Bolton: Samir: Why don't you just go by Mike, instead of Michael? Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change it? He's the one who sucks.
2. The "Christmas Shoes" song - Thankfully, I have not heard this song very much this year. Last year it was like Christmas Shoes were falling from the FM 100 sky. If there is a more cheesy, ridiculously lame Christmas tune, I'd like to hear it... or rather, please, for the love of all things holy, don't let me hear it!. I HATE THIS SONG! Every time it comes on the radio I instantly change the station. The only other song that has this effect on me is any and every song Toby Keith sings.
**What frustrates me is that this boy's mother is dying and he thinks that the only thing that will make her happy is a pair of shoes? Who is this mother, Paris Hilton? Kid, get on your bike and get your butt home! You're mom is dying! Further, do you think when she meets Jesus he is really going to care about what shoes she is wearing? If that is the case, I want to be wearing my Heelies when I go - that is if heaven has smooth, hard floors. With my luck, heaven would be carpeted.
3. Guilt trips by people ringing bells - Sure they act friendly and they have that dopey smile on their face, but secretly they are thinking that I am a cheap, trumpery, two-bit loser that can't afford to throw a dime in their rotunda of broken dreams. Listen bell people, if I had a dime for every time some Joey with a bell asked me to throw him a dime, I would have a lot of dimes. And IF this was the case and I actually did receive a dime from a "magical dime fairy" for every time I saw a bell ringer asking for dimes, I would be more than happy to give the bell ringers the extra dimes. I mean, who wants a pocketful of dimes while you are trying to shop? I guess if I was wearing my cargo pants and wanted to buy a calzone later it would be okay.
4. Blow up lawn ornaments - These have faded a bit in recent years, but could there be a more lazy way of decorating your front lawn? "Honey, unroll and plug in the lawn ornaments - I'll be sitting here on my yuletide a__." Nothing says joy and merryment of the holiday season like an 8 foot, blow up Homer Simpson adorning your flowerbeds. Now, if the blow up lawn ornaments had a "jumphouse" for frolickers like I to jump in at will, I would take this item off my Cease to Exist order. Maybe a plastic slide that comes out of the front of it?
5. Songs that aren't really Christmas songs trying to pass as Christmas songs on the radio. A.K.A. "My Favorite Things". As you can see, I am very annoyed with Cozy and FM 100 right now. They are on warning - they could both be on my next Cease to Exist order. And if Cozy 106.5 is so "cozy" then why is it that I am always listening to it while fighting crowds, parking lots and traffic and I am never listening to it while drinking a hot cup of cocoa while sitting next to the fireplace? Cozy, my a*@.
6. Advent calendars with doors that swing outward. Not sure why this annoys me so much - it just seems to me that the doors should swing inward, like you are entering into God's love. Just seems so much more "Christmasy" to me. I mean, we need to keep the reason for the season in mind.
7. Different takes on the "12 days of Christmas" song - I can't stand that "Hanging up the Lights" version! Every time I hear the regular version now, I think, "Hanging up the lights". Well, some of us LIKE hanging up the lights, jerkwads! (Not me, of course I hate hanging up the lights... I am just saying somebody has to like that crap.)
8. The Adam Sandler Hanukkah song - FM 100 - I realize this is the only Hanukkah song you have in your library and you are just throwing it in there because it makes your office types laugh, but would it kill you to play a little "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel"? I mean, after all, they made it out of clay. It would be more than just a token courtesy for us few Jewish folk that live in the valley.
9. People that want my phone number when I buy stuff - Now this is not necessarily just a Christmas thing, but it annoys me nonetheless. I am buying a pair of slippers and a bag of rice, are you going to call me to see how things went? What if I give them a fake number? Are they still going to let me buy their crap?
I will say that this would be a perfect pickup line if I were single though: "Can I get your phone number?" "Sure, but can I get yours first?"
I leave you with the poetic and beautiful lyrics to "Christmas Shoes".
Sir I wanna buy these shoes for my Momma please
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size
Could you hurry Sir?
Daddy says there's not much time
You see, she's been sick for quite a while
And I know these shoes will make her smile
And I want her to look beautiful
If Momma meets Jesus, tonight.