Monday, December 15, 2008

Crap, I mean gift ideas to give your neighbors at Christmas time.

Christmas brings so many joys of yuletide fancies and hollyberry goodness.  One obligatory tradition that we Utahns tend to customize is the exchanging of worthless crap, or "gifts" to our neighbors. Not only are we obliged to pass out crud to our neighbors, we feel the need to label that crud with cutesy limericks and sayings.  From "Reindeer Poop" to Chex Party Mix, we've received it all at our doorstep, and I welcome it with open arms - it's got to last until at least February.

Now, before you start shredding me for my anti-Christmas attitude, let me tell you, I am in no way against giving crap to your neighbors. In fact, Mrs. Cheeseboy and I have been trying to think of a catchy saying to tag on the twenty two-liter bottles of soda that we are planning on caravanning through the old neighborhood.

  Unfortunately, our "original" idea has already been taken by Tyler and Daphne (Thanks Tyler!) and we are going to look like hackneyed nincompoops to our neighbors if we go through with our soda idea.  At any rate, Tyler and Co. gave out rootbeer and on the tag was written, "We are 'rootin' for you to have a Merry Christmas."  Son-of-a-Nutcracker!  First they take our gift idea and then our saying.

Thus, we have been relegated to look for a new gift idea and a new saying.  So far I have come up with the following ideas:

1. A pack of Schik razors... "Hope you happen to 'stubble' upon a Merry Christmas."
2. A bottle of Syrup... "Not to be 'sappy', but have a happy holidays.
3. A bag of frozen peas on a globe, surrounded by a Goodwill tire... "Peas on earth, Goodwill to men."   - - Ha ha, great one!
4. A pair of soft insoles, a Michael Jackson glove and a phaser... "Enjoy your stroll as you go 'Walkin' in a winter Neverland, and here's some protection for the kiddies."
5. A box of Kentucky Fried Chicken... "The 'secret ingredient' to an 'extra crisp'  Christmas is this bucket of chicken.... plus something else we added that we are not going to tell you what it is.  Eat up!"
6. Two of your children's teeth... "Thought this might be all you want for Christmas."
7. A breast pump filled with eggnog... "We had 8 of these, you know.  Our maids are no longer in the childbearing years."
8. A pair of corrective eyeglasses... "When what to your wondering eyes should appear - We think it's time you had that problem fixed."
9. A homemade portrait of Frank Sinatra made entirely of pennies... "Enjoy your 'Frank-in-Cents'."  
10. The new David Archuletta CD... "Since we're all just giving each other worthless crap anyway..."

And of course, I always thought it would be funny to give away REAL reindeer poop.  Imagine the faces when they bit into what they thought was going to be a whopper!  When they get upset, I will simply say, "It says reindeer poop right on the package."


CaraDee said...

Okay, one year I gave out Lehi Mill mixes. The tag said, "Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, (insert cheesy food pun here)" You like?
Or how about the year we have out Martinelli's sparkling cider? "Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Enjoy some "Mormon Champagne" on us!"

Tammy said...

Good ones Abe!!!

Cheeseboy said...

Haha! CaraDee - those are great!

Lori said...

I hate neighbor Christmas gifts! I wish people would just stop giving them to us. I probably won't be giving any out...but, I always feel obligated to give something to the ones that bring me something.

You're probably safe with any of the options you've listed. No duplicates there, I'm sure.

Hadley said...

Love them Abe.

Two years ago I found a couple of packages of fake mustaches at Cottonwood Mall. I wasn't sure what to do with them, but I knew I had to have them. I ended up giving them to Al and Jesse as "neighbor gifts." I tried to come up with as many sayings on the tag as I could. My favorites were: (1)staching through the snow...
(2)We "whisker" you a merry Chrismas... (3)you know stasher, and dancer and prancer and vixen...

Cheeseboy said...

Thanks Had for commenting. Great thoughts on the mustaches. I MUST do that next year. Better start STASHING them away.

Again, thanks for commenting. It's nice to have a couple of my best all time pals of all time commenting in the history of the earth that are awesome and filled with awesomeness. Makes me feel all uppity.

Cheeseboy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cheeseboy said...

Cara - hope you don't mind, but I used BOTH your slogans this year. Except on the sparkling cider I put "The smell of Christmas is peppermint and pine, so go ahead and down some Mormon wine."

(I thought if I said "enjoy some Mormon Champagne on me" the person might think I wanted them to do a body shot off me.)