Crap, I mean gift ideas to give your neighbors at Christmas time.

Christmas brings so many joys of yuletide fancies and hollyberry goodness.  One obligatory tradition that we Utahns tend to customize is the exchanging of worthless crap, or "gifts" to our neighbors. Not only are we obliged to pass out crud to our neighbors, we feel the need to label that crud with cutesy limericks and sayings.  From "Reindeer Poop" to Chex Party Mix, we've received it all at our doorstep, and I welcome it with open arms - it's got to last until at least February.

Now, before you start shredding me for my anti-Christmas attitude, let me tell you, I am in no way against giving crap to your neighbors. In fact, Mrs. Cheeseboy and I have been trying to think of a catchy saying to tag on the twenty two-liter bottles of soda that we are planning on caravanning through the old neighborhood.

  Unfortunately, our "original" idea has already been taken by Tyler and Daphne (Thanks Tyler!) and we are going to look like hackneyed nincompoops to our neighbors if we go through with our soda idea.  At any rate, Tyler and Co. gave out rootbeer and on the tag was written, "We are 'rootin' for you to have a Merry Christmas."  Son-of-a-Nutcracker!  First they take our gift idea and then our saying.

Thus, we have been relegated to look for a new gift idea and a new saying.  So far I have come up with the following ideas:

1. A pack of Schik razors... "Hope you happen to 'stubble' upon a Merry Christmas."

2. A bottle of Syrup... "Not to be 'sappy', but have a happy holidays.

3. A bag of frozen peas on a globe, surrounded by a Goodwill tire... "Peas on earth, Goodwill to men."   - - Ha ha, great one!

4. A pair of soft insoles, a Michael Jackson glove and a phaser... "Enjoy your stroll as you go 'Walkin' in a winter Neverland, and here's some protection for the kiddies."

5. A box of Kentucky Fried Chicken... "The 'secret ingredient' to an 'extra crisp'  Christmas is this bucket of chicken.... plus something else we added that we are not going to tell you what it is.  Eat up!"

6. Two of your children's teeth... "Thought this might be all you want for Christmas."

7. A breast pump filled with eggnog... "We had 8 of these, you know.  Our maids are no longer in the childbearing years."

8. A pair of corrective eyeglasses... "When what to your wondering eyes should appear - We think it's time you had that problem fixed."

9. A homemade portrait of Frank Sinatra made entirely of pennies... "Enjoy your 'Frank-in-Cents'."  

10. The new David Archuletta CD... "Since we're all just giving each other worthless crap anyway..."

And of course, I always thought it would be funny to give away REAL reindeer poop.  Imagine the faces when they bit into what they thought was going to be a whopper!  When they get upset, I will simply say, "It says reindeer poop right on the package."