Tuesday, September 30, 2008

What every parent should know about Halloween day at their child's school.

Dear Parents,

Halloween is upon us and soon your children will be stalking the school halls in their costumed garb.  On that dreadful day, if you will remember the following rules of thumb, you will make things much easier on your teacher:

1. Do not expect your child's costume to come back in perfect shape.  Even though the costume cost at least fifty bucks at Walmart, costumes are made of a synthetic fabric that tears with the greatest of ease.  I once wore a costume purchased at Target and accidentally spilled juice down the front of it.  The front of the costume disintegrated before my eyes and I was left bear chested, my chest hairs flailing in the wind.  Now that I think of it though, it may have actually been the potency of the fruit punch as a day later, every single chest hair fell out.  

2. Your child does not need to bring extra candy to share with the class.  I know what you may be thinking, "But my child does not get enough candy at Halloween time."  Wait, no, you're not thinking that?  Hmm, I wonder why.  Could it be because on top of the treats they get trick or treating and on top of the treats they get from the room moms/teacher, many parents feel obligated to send MORE treats to class?  We don't need more treats.  You could, however, send a sugar I.V. for each child so that we could simply pump pixie sticks directly into their blood stream.  The I.V. needles should be "candy needles" made of a sharpened Lick-O-Stick sticks.  

3. Please do not stop your child during the school parade and take thousands of pictures while the entire school waits for you.  This isn't the Olson twins on the red carpet.  We don't need your kid making every kissy faced pose for you while the flash bulbs pop.  In the meantime, the entire line comes to a halt and we all stand and watch as you posterize your kid.  Take your costumed kid to Kiddy Candids and have them take all the pictures you want.  
**Note: If your child is in fact an Olson twin, this rule does not apply.  It also does not apply to the following:  Hannah Montana, the Jonas Brothers, children that have been a "Wednesday's child", children that have a real arrow through their skull and not just that lame fake bent ones and orphans that have had blood transfusions.

4.  If your child happens to have a male First Grade teacher named Abe, send a large Milky Way bar as a peace offering for dealing with your hyperactive kid during the most deliriously cuckoo day of the year.  No wait, better make it one of those super sized, double Twix bars.  Fun size or half sized are for hobos and midgets and will simply not do.  I like my candybars man sized.

5.  Please send your kid's costume on their body and not in a plastic bag for them to put on in the bathroom.  I am not going to help your kid zip, snap or velcro anything in the bathroom and I will hardly have time to do it in the classroom.  Even though I have extensive experience as a Hollywood  makeup artist, I will not have the time to put fake blood on your kid's face.  If your kid does not have a costume, do not send them as Adam or Eve, even though there are plenty of large leaves on the ground at this time of year.

Thank you for support during this critical time of learning for your child.


Your child's teacher.


Tammy said...

Good rules Abe! Did you leave anything out that I might not remember to think about? After all, I am a first time mom of a kindergartener so without your reminder I didn't even remember they did a parade!

Lori said...

Funny blog Abe!

Esther said...


Esther said...

On your questionaire you forgot to mention Tim Burton's Corpse Bride

Cheeseboy said...

Esther, I thought about putting Corpse Bride on there but I couldn't put every one of his movies on there, it was too much. I liked Corpse Bride but I doubted that anyone would vote for it, so if it is your favorite, I apologize.