Thursday, September 11, 2008

A timeline of the many tortures that I have put my body through.

I was not always a runner.  In fact, I have a sordid and erratic history with various exercises before I discovered that I enjoyed running outdoors.  I give you a timeline, if you please...

2000 - Three years of marriage and laziness will begin to chug on a few pounds.  When I first noticed my belly expanding, I panicked and we soon inherited my parents decade old stationary bike.  I began peddling my way to sweet freedom from the fat; or so I thought.

I recall that our bike actually had a book rack that my parents had purchased so that you could work out and read at the same time.  It was quite a novel idea, but unfortunately reading became very difficult do to the fact that you were bouncing up and down the seat and you did not have a page turner.  The stationary boring bike workout lasted about a month and then I was done with it.

2001 - My wife went through a period in which she was punching, kicking and kie-bo-ing her way to a better body.  Given that my weight was still gaining steam at a moderate pace, I decided to give it a try.   

My legs would just not bend that high and my kicks looked more like I was trying to get a wet gummy bear off my shoe.  Even though I punched with great authority, I felt like a weakling in comparison to the women on the video.  Further, if you had seen my little dance, my attempts to keep up with the video, and my sky high kicks, you would have rolled with laughter.

2002, or sometime in the past, I am not sure - I became desperate and that is when I purchased the ab rocker electronic shock system.  Sitting on the couch with electric currents running through your belly is of course the absolute best method.  The pounds just slithered away.  

2003 - From the Sharper Image, I purchased a cheap stair climber for $100.  I would step on that thing with such force that it would get unbearably hot and the springs would melt.  I went through 2 of these before I decided that a decent stair climber would probably cost more than 100 bucks.

2004 - This is the year that I went through a phase in which would pull on giant rubber bands.  The workout bands were cheap and they did provide quite a workout.  One evening I had one end of the band knotted around a door knob while the other end was attached to my leg.  I began doing leg lifts when the cord snapped and gave me a very deep, sharp bruise on the back of my leg.  I began to wail in pain.  When Cathi rushed in to see why I was in agony, I simply said, "I think I am too strong for these cords!"  

It took 3 full months for that slash in my leg to heal.

2005 - This is the year that I purchased the Gazelle from Sears.  It turns out that this has been a fantastic piece of workout equipment with one exception:  It is really, really lame.  How can I tell anyone that I have been working out on a Gazelle?  I do have some pride left.  

Let us not forget that at one point during these years, I was thrown off the treadmill in a fit of rage... by the treadmill.  The machine required quite a bit of repair, for which I was grateful that Cathi performed.  I also attempted Yoga at some point.  I was frustrated that I could not place my toes in the small of my back or my legs behind my head.  

I finally learned that running was my thing in 2007, and thank goodness I did.  These experimental body makeovers needed to come to an end for the sake of my body.


Tammy said...

I've always thought the same thing about the book rack on the bike. How can anyone read while biking??

I remember someone getting really hurt with an elastic band tied to a doorknob but I forgot it was you.

Good job finding something you now enjoy!

Cheeseboy said...

I think there was a General Authority that was injured by a band. But I don't remember which one?

sacdaddy said...

I only run because my wife makes me. For a really good time, try mountain biking with me in corner canyon.

Also, you've inspired me to flirt with 26.2 (yes, it's actually only 26.2, not the 26.3 you put yourself through). I'm thinking about meeting 26.2 next summer. You in? DesNews KJAZZ?

Lori said...

Of course, it turns out the best way to exercise is free!

Can I just thank you again for the daily laughter you provide for me! I don't know if you are trying to make us laugh...and I know it's not nice to laugh at someone else's expense (the part that really got me was the elastic band story), but once again, here I am laughing out loud as I read this post.

Cheeseboy said...

Steve, I am not sure. I need a few months to relax from my first marathon. I'll think about it.

Lori, I do actually try to be funny, but sometimes I just know something is funny without making an effort, if that makes any sense. Thanks for the compliment though. I am glad someone is laughing at my inane nonsense.