I have issued another "Cease to Exist" order for the following things. They are on warning:1. Celebrity birthday reports.
2. Sonic drive through commercials.
3. $40.00 flashing/light up toys at the circus.
4. People that make small talk on elevators about the buttons.
5. TV shows about people with tons of kids.
6. That kidney billboard on the highway with Bronco and K-Whit.
7. The soccer lines on Rice-Ekkles field.
8. The term "cougar" for older women looking for younger men.
9. People that push the dunking tank button with their hand as a joke rather than actually having the skill to hit the button with the ball. Those people think they are funny, but they drive me insane! You're a cheater and a quitter and I don't like cheaters or quitters.
10. Dunking booths
11. People that make obnoxious, unfunny comments after previews in the movies loud enough for the entire audience can hear, unless of course, that person is me. Needless to say, the comment would obviously be funny.
That last one reminds me of the time that I, on a dare (It seems as though many of my stories start like this.) went to the front of a crowded theater waiting to see a movie. The previews hadn't started yet and people were chatting and mingling. I cleared my throat and in a loud voice I said:
Hello, my name is Abe. I enjoy walks in the park, happy reunions and snuggling. I am 17 years old and single. I look forward to watching this movie with you.
I then pointed at someone in the front row and said:
Okay, now it is your turn. Come on up here.
The girl, absolutely horrified, slumped in her seat and hid. Mission accomplished.
Okay, things that are listed on my cease to exist order. Be on alert.
4 comments:
First off, making small talk about elevator buttons saved me this summer. I was in Vegas with a girlfriend. I was alone, heading up to our room. A drunk leering gentleman (ha) was creeping me out, so I told him a secret I had read in a long wonderful article about elevators. (The door close button doesn't really work, it's there for your personal happiness)
It kept him from saying something gross to me, and I stepped right off at the end of my story. YAY.
Also, at our school carnival, if the kids couldn't hit the button, they would let them run up and hit it with their hands. They were gonna get sprayed with a squirt gun or something, but everyone got to dunk the teacher. I thought it was stupid. The teachers were exhausted at all the dunking and climbing.
Finally, my mother-in-law is a "cougar". Deal with it.
I agree with the $40 light up toy at the circus! Obnoxious for those of us without the cash to contribute for our own!
For some reason I thought I was with you and Cathi when you did the movie thing. Maybe I've just heard the story often enough it's like being there. Hilarious!
Caradee. Is that true about the door close button? No way! Personal happiness? Are you sure?
In today's sad society everyone must get a trophy and everyone must be able to hit the button on a dunking booth. When are we going to teach our kids how to deal with failure?
I don't mind cougars, I just hate their title "cougar". I am sure your mother in law is a feisty cougar, but I just wish there was a different name for them.
Tammy - No, I did the movie thing when I was in high school, although now I think of it, it was such a big hit that I may have done it more than once.
Were you recently traumatized by a dunking booth?
I am fascinated by those shows with lots of kids! In fact, I think a reality show about you as a first grade teacher would probably be a hit! You should look into that. Maybe call your friend Cindy Crawford, she might have some connections in Hollywood.
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