Friday, September 26, 2008

The real reason why people in the HR department are such inept twits.

After dealing with various HR departments from various companies and government agencies, I have determined that HR workers have to be the most inept, unavailing, slothful folks on the planet.  My recent run in with HR involved missing money from my paycheck, several calls and much frustration.  It seems that HR reps have a very difficult time making a decision or making a call back.  The absolute worst was Convergies, a company that prides themselves on customer service.  It seemed as if the Convergies projects would send their worst employees to work in HR.  It is for this reason that I was supremely thrilled that Toby left The Office.  

Where do HR people come from?  My guess is that they all come from the same lost tribe of Israel.  Kinda like if you are from the tribe of Levi, you are automatically a Bishop or something like that.  If you are from the tribe of Naphati you are automatically a dimwitted HR worker. It was a for-ordination by God.  In the pre-existance God pulled these people aside and said, "You are just not going to cut it in the normal job market.  Sorry Joe, but you're going to have to work in HR."

The scary thing is that these same boneheads that are running our HR departments here on earth will be running Heaven HR.  I can already imagine my first phone conversation with an Heaven HR rep:

Celestialized Abe:  Hello?  Yes, I was wondering why I lost 3 vacation days on my last paycheck.  I didn't go on vacation.

Telestial HR rep:  Please hold while I ask.  [Motab playing on the headset.]  Ten minutes later... HR decided that Celestial folks don't need more vacation days.

CA: What do you mean?  Why weren't we notified of this change?

HR:  It was in the email bulletin last June.

CA:  So how many days do we get then?

HR: Please hold while I ask. [David Archuletta singing "Imagine" on the headset.]  Umm, you get infinity amount for the next infinity amount of days.

CA:  That's weird because I swear we were promised more than that.  Can I talk to your manager?

HR: Please hold.  [Osmond Family Christmas plays on the headset.] We don't have managers in heaven.  But you can talk to Frank if you want.

CA: Who's Frank?  

HR: He's my eternal companion.  

CA:  Will he be able to get my vacation days back?

HR: Please hold. [A Kurt Bestor/Thurl Bailey duet blares through the headset.]  No, he can not get those back for you.  

CA: Did you work at Convergies while you were on earth? 

HR: How did you know?

CA:  I thought I recognized your voice.  One more question, can you send me a copy of the harassment policy?  Dead Cindy Crawford will not stop bothering me.

HR:  Sure.  What kingdom are you in again? 

CA: Celestial

HR:  We can't bring it to you then.  You are going to have to come down and get it.

CA:  Forget it.  

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