Sunday, September 21, 2008

I am now famous enough to give my bodily fluid to Calvin Klein for research. (And a letter to Calvin about my new fragrance.)

I once put on, as a total fluke, something called "McGraw" cologne at the mall.  Apparently the men that choose to wear it want to smell like a dirty, raw, sexy cowboy.  After putting it on, I had a horrible splitting headache for the rest of the day.  I can't wear that crap.  Sorry Timmy, your cologne sucks.

Now that I am a bonafide blogging superstar, my agent and I feel I finally have the leverage to contact the fragrance companies to pitch my new cologne.  I just sent my first email to Calvin Klein.  Below you will find it's contents.

[email sent tonight at 10:30 PM]

Dear Calvin, Mr. Klein or Cal,

I am a blogging superstar and people, mostly my wife, tell me I have a great natural smell.  Once, after I got done working out, my wife told me that I smelled like a sweaty bull moose.  Now that's hearty and rugged!  I would like to sell you the secret recipe to my scent that will drive the ladies wild and line your pockets with a great deal of cash.  You will make so much money, you will be able to line the cash lining in your pockets with another lining of cash.  It's just that good.

Besides my online superstardom, I am also a First Grade teacher.  I have also been told that a man teaching the first grade is incredibly sexy.  I have been told this by mostly women!  It may be the Elmers glue, or the graphite pencils, or the First Grade finger goobers that naturally get rubbed on my shirt on a daily basis that make me smell so ambrosial;  but most likely it's a mix of the three plus my own sweat that gives me that rugged, stylish, uncouth odor that will simply fly off the shelves.  

I noticed that you have a cologne called "man".  I am a man.  You also have "Obsession".  Many of my blog readers have an obsession with me, or at least I like to think they do, or at least that is the way I have built it up in my mind.  Let us not forget your famed "One". One just so happens to be the same number of times I have been to Canada!  Coincidence?  I think not!  I suggest we name my/our new cologne "Crazed Infatuation".  

My dad also knows Paige Davis and Cindy Crawford, so if you want, they can do a few ads for us.  Cindy says she will pretty much do anything for free nowadays, but Paige will need to work it into her schedule.  I also may have access to Wilford Brimley but I will have to make some calls. 

Please give me a call at your earliest convenience to discuss this most excellent business opportunity and improve your own bodily odors!  


PS - My/our cologne will be available in a spritz or a breakthrough ultra-thick, moose or foaming gel (Still in development). 

As soon as I receive a response, I will post it on the Blog O' Cheese.  (Still no response from Dr. Phil, Tyra Banks or the Big O.)


Babe in Boysland said...

Hahaha! I think this pitch is sure to win Calvin over. How can he pass up the opportunity to reproduce a scent referred to as "uncouth"? Or have it endorsed by Wilford Brimley?

It's odd that you're so famous, yet no one has commented on this post yet. Hm. Curious.

I like this blog, you may enjoy reading another blog by a young male school teacher who also revels in sarcasm and randomness:

And this blog offers a laugh that somehow feels wrong:

THanks for commenting on my blog- keep it up! :-)

Cheeseboy said...

Michelle, I think you are the only person to comment because the other readers have become used to crap like this from me. This might be my 4th or 5th crazy letter that I have sent and posted. Doesn't keep me from stopping though. I will probably post several more soon. At the very least, it keeps me entertained.