7:04 AM - [Cathi turns on light.] I hope the kids are good today. Please Lord, make them good today.
7:40 AM - Why does Calder always open his mouth super wide to give me a kiss? And why does Lincoln always pout his bottom lip like he has just been slugged in the mouth? Who taught these boys to kiss? When they get to be 16, I should warn them not to expect the first girl they kiss to like them much longer after it. Actually, Calder's open mouthed method may actually prove beneficial while dating.
7:55 [Getting out of the car.] Did I really just drive to work? I don't remember a single thing about the commute. My mind was on total autopilot. Very strange. Almost Twilight Zone-ish.
8:30 - Oh boy, here they come! Break open the floodgates of panic, someone is already crying.
8:45 - I swear I said, "Come over to the rug." at least 6 times. Why is there a kid behind the bookshelves, one in the wet area and one wearing his coat as pants?"
10:25 - [Recess.] We have GOT to make a new rule... NO picking up dead birds at recess with your bear hands and chasing girls with it! There should be absolutely NO exceptions to this rule.
10:26 - I am NOT touching that dead bird.
10:30 - I hope this kid brought an extra pack of fish crackers for the teacher.
11:00 - Who in the world is farting that horrible stench? I wonder if one of the kids pooped their pants. No, that's not poop scent, that is pure 6 year old fart.
12:30 - Maybe the 9th time we line up for lunch today, no one will push, shove, butt in line or complain about someone else butting in line.
12:32 - Maybe the 12th time??
12:35 - Those are the nastiest looking teriyaki beef sticks I have ever seen. I wonder what 3rd world country's domesticated animal that meat comes from.
12:40 - I really don't want to pry open another 4 ounce box of milk for ANYONE.
1:35 - Who is creating that repugnant, gaseous smell? I didn't know 6 year olds could smell that putrid.
2:00 - Time to "opera man" sing EVERYTHING I say to the kids.
2:05 - Haha, I am funny. The kids are still laughing at my angelic operetta-like voice. I've got to do this more often.
2:15 - This joke is officially old. I can't keep this up forever, even though they want me to.
2:30 - 1/2 hour to go. I've got it - Heads up 7 up!
2:36 - 6 year olds are the biggest cheaters ever at Heads up 7 up. That kid didn't even have his head down! I'm calling him on it.
[Next time he has his head down, I touch his thumb. I never touch thumbs. When he lifts his head up, he immediately guesses "MR YOSPE!" I ask him how he knew I touched his thumb. Knowing he was caught in a lie, he responds, "Your thumb is heavier than the kids." Okay, whatever.]
3:05 - I am just going to sit here on this chair and stare at that wall for awhile.
3:15 - Yep, this is nice.
3:45 [Home now.] What do you mean you just turned the key and our entire lock just fell off the door?
3:46 - Does Costco sell door locks?
4:15 - [At the Stake Center.] At the time, signing up to give blood sounded like a good idea.
4:35- Why in the world is this dork taking my blood talking to me about making bird houses?
4:45 - I wonder if they will let me keep this squeezy thing if I simply ask them?
5:00 - What color arm band? What color arm band? Is there any choice that is more important in life? I wonder if they have one with a Star of David so I can honor my ancestors.
5:30 - [At Home Depot] Why is it that every time I pull out a shopping cart, I get 5 more with it? Are they all connected by some giant magnet? I don't need five connected shopping carts, I simply need one with working wheels.
5:35 - Which of these 97 aisles has door locks on it?
5:55 - Who would have guessed it was aisle 91?
6:30 - If putting on a new door lock is difficult without instructions, then you may refer to me as the "smartest man alive."
6:31 - I wonder which kid had that rancid gas today.
So, tell me everyone, how was your day?