Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Unicorn v. Dragon? I'll take the Unicorn every time!

I was a Unicorn.  Well, I wasn't literally a Unicorn.  I was a Uintah Unicorn.  The Unicorn was our Elementary school mascot; and a magical, mythical mascot it was.

We Unicorns are proud folk.  We hold our horns up high.  Unicorns have so many special powers: medicinal powers, sparkling powders, flying powers.  Plus, the horn.  That horn is so solid and sharp.  It is also swirls so perfectly.  Nothing messes with a unicorn.  Nothing.  So we thought...

As I grew older, my friends and I started hanging out with fellas from a neighboring school, Dilworth.  They too had a proud tradition.   They too had a mythical mascot.  They saluted the chimerical dragon.  They are the Dilworth Dragons.

Of course, a rivalry between these two creatures naturally developed.  Lines were drawn in the sand and sides were taken.  The Unicorn, a symbol of hope, purity and optimism was the Barack Obama of 1985.  The Dragon, a symbol of fire, death and destruction was the Miley Cirus of 1985.  It was clear which kids had the force and which kids had joined the dark side.

Now, the unicorn generally conjures up images of vibrant pastel posters, dark lights and pot smokers sitting around on a Wednesday afternoon at 12:35, having this very same argument about unicorns and dragons, while listening to Led Zeppelin.  For some reason, I now also think of Michael Phelps when I think of the unicorn.  Must be because of all the great athletes that came out of Uintah.

On the other hand, the image of a dragon brings on thoughts of dark hooded chubby girls with long fingernails and short skirts, smoking outside the planetarium while listening to Led Zeppelin.  Essentially, in the category of "likability of the basic fan base" it is a push between both creatures.

Those inane dragons usually argued that a simple puff of a dragon's torch and a unicorn would be left charred, smoked and helpless.  How insanely redicuolous this argument is. It could be true, but given the unicorn's self medicinal qualities, their charred bodies would not last long and they would be back to their graceful selves within minutes.  The Dilworth folk would then claim that the dragon's enormous size would simply overtake the unicorn.  Perhaps, but would a dragon really want to "overtake" something with a razor sharp horn protruding from it's skull?  Isn't it a little bit like an infant trying to "overtake" an open Swiss Army Knife?  Not a good idea.

It's simple really.  The logic of it all is actually embarrassingly transparent: The unicorn would simply fly circles around the dragon, teasing it with it's dactyl flying and graceful air moves.  As soon as the unicorn had decided that the dragon had been teased enough, he would simply spray the dragon in the eyes with magical, sparkly sparkles, aim the horn at the heart and dive like a Japanese bomber.  No amount of fiery fury could dampen the willpower of a dedicated unicorn.

Interestingly enough, the school boundaries have changed and every single one of my dragon friends would be unicorns in today's day and age.  Chew on that dragon lovers/supporters!  You are really unicorns and secretly, I know you like it!

In support of the mighty unicorn, I quoteth the Uintah School song:

Uintah you're making my light shine!
Uintah you're making me smart!
Uintah you're opening my mind!
I love you with all of my heart!

The Dilworth song probably has something to do with growing up goth and buying Pantera concert tickets.  Hey Dilworth people - call me when your so called "dragon" grows a magical horn.  Then we'll have ourselves a real debate.


Ike said...

Not sure you're aware of this, but when I was in 5th or 6th grade they officially changed the Uintah school song. It now goes (to the tune of Notre Dame's fight song) "Here are 3 cheers for Uintah School, that's where they teach us the golden rule, as we go into the world we know we'll have victory!"

Now would be an appropriate time to link to Charlie the Unicorn on YouTube...


Hadley said...

Abram Yospe, you have gone too far. I must stand in defence of the mighty dragon. During my education I have been a hornet, a ram, a Ute, and even a Griffin (another amazing mythological creature). None of these stand a chance against the mighty dragon. Allow me to explain:

Which weapon would you rather have with you walking into a dark alley, a jar of glittery sprinkles or a blowtorch? A single spiraled horn or dozens of razor sharp teeth and claws? What would you rather be wearing in that dark alley? Matching white jean jacket and pants with a long, lovely glittering wig? Or plate mail armor with spiked gauntlets and boots?

Everyone knows that Unicorns are simple herbivores. Their flat molars are designed to chew grasses and leaves - maybe even some lovely dew-covered clover (they like that pretty stuff). Dragons are carnivores. Killers. They have an arsenal of weaponry in their mouths - sort of like a warehouse of all of the unsold Ginsu knives. These teeth will easily and accurately slice through something as delicate as a tomato, tear through an aluminum can, and even a pipe! All without losing their razor sharp edge!

Take a line from the Dillworth Dragons school song (perhaps the funniest, and cockiest school song out there)
The other schools,
turn green with envy.
When they see us,
The Dillworth Dragons.

(That gave you the chills, didn't it...)