Thursday, May 13, 2010
A shocking revelation about Cheeseboy
I have a shocking revelation everyone.
It's bigger than Bradiffer's breakup. Bigger than Branjellina. Bigger than when that strange celeb couple named their kid "Apple". Bigger than the reissue of the McRib.
You might want to sit down for this. No? Then maybe just hold onto something stable.... Uh, that floor lamp is not stable. Here, just sit down.
Are you ready for this? Okay, deep breath...
I... do not own... a cell phone!
- gasp! -
Yesterday I made a statement about my lack of a cell phone on someone's blog and apparently all hell broke loose. (Notice the correct use of the word "loose".) Apparently someone was so upset at this they threw their sofa through their front bay window. One fellow blogger swore she had never heard such blasphemy as she passed out from sheer astonishment. Insanity ensued.
Before I begin my epistle on why I do not have a cell phone, I will allow you to pick your jaws up off the basement floor and let the yelping pooch in from the cold.
Now, you heard me right. I do not own a cell phone and I never will. I have my reasons:
Reason #1 - I hate cliche cell phone phrases.
"If you'll excuse me, I have to get this." Who do you think you are, Jack on Lost? I do not enjoy chop liver, but I suppose I will happily play the part while you gallivant around with one finger in your ear and the other on your phone while I stand here like a moron.
"My sister has that exact same phone!" Really? This EXACT SAME PHONE?! They told me this was a one-of-a-kind. That's what the man at Verizon told me. He said they specifically crafted it to meet my needs. He lied. I'd like to see your sister's phone. I bet she doesn't have the same desktop photo as me.
"I have to stop at the Verizon store after work and change my plan." Hm. I don't. Sucks for you.
Reason #2 - I do not need a cell phone.
When people hear that I don't have a cell phone, their first question is ALWAYS, "So how do people reach you?"
Hm. A perplexing quandary to be sure. How would someone need to reach me in an emergency? Let's see...
My school's phone.
The phone in my classroom.
My home phone.
My wife's cell phone.
Any one of my 3 email addresses.
My facebook account.
The Blog O' Cheese emergency comment section.
They could just COME TO MY frigging house!
Morse code. (I learned it during my brief stint in the Navy.)
String with two cans tied to the ends.
Yeah, I am totally screwed if I don't get a cell phone.
The next question I am undoubtedly asked is, "Well, what if your car breaks down? What are you going to do then?"
This is a huge worry for me in that I drive approximately fifteen miles a day in a car that I have never once had a problem with. Nevertheless, I have given it much thought, and if this indeed happened, I would probably do one of three things:
1. Wither up into the fetal position on the floor of the backseat of my car and weep incessantly.
2. Walk (yes, I said walk) to one of the 12 gas stations along my route from home to work and use one of their phones.
3. Get a piggyback ride to work from one of the old crossing guard gals that are always waving to me as I drive by.
Reason #3 - Why in heaven's name would I want people to bother me?
I do not have a job in sales. I do not have patients waiting for a new heart in a thermos full of ice. No one works for me.
I simply don't need to feel "needed" by your unnecessary calls.
Reason #4 - Blue Tooth
Reason # 5 - Cliche phrases about the bill.
"My cell phone bill went up again!" - Mine didn't.
"My 12 year old daughter racked up a $200.00 bill for texting." - And why is she still living, with the phone still in her backpack?
"I am so ticked because I have to switch to blah, blah, blah for my iPhone to blah, blah, blah." - Yeah, well I am ticked because you are wasting my time by telling me this crap.
That is it folks. I do not own a cell phone and I doubt if I ever will. Strangely enough, here I am BLOGGING... on an actual COMPUTER! I have no idea how technology hasn't passed me by.
And you should totally check out my thumbs. Having never texted in my life, they are as smooth as a baby's bottom... or a baby's thumb... unless the baby owns a cell phone as many of them do.