Thursday, May 13, 2010

A shocking revelation about Cheeseboy


I have a shocking revelation everyone.

Shocking!

It's big.

It's bigger than Bradiffer's breakup. Bigger than Branjellina. Bigger than when that strange celeb couple named their kid "Apple". Bigger than the reissue of the McRib.

You might want to sit down for this. No? Then maybe just hold onto something stable.... Uh, that floor lamp is not stable. Here, just sit down.

Are you ready for this? Okay, deep breath...

I... do not own... a cell phone!

- gasp! -

I know.

Yesterday I made a statement about my lack of a cell phone on someone's blog and apparently all hell broke loose. (Notice the correct use of the word "loose".) Apparently someone was so upset at this they threw their sofa through their front bay window. One fellow blogger swore she had never heard such blasphemy as she passed out from sheer astonishment. Insanity ensued.

Before I begin my epistle on why I do not have a cell phone, I will allow you to pick your jaws up off the basement floor and let the yelping pooch in from the cold.

Now, you heard me right. I do not own a cell phone and I never will. I have my reasons:

Reason #1 - I hate cliche cell phone phrases.

"If you'll excuse me, I have to get this." Who do you think you are, Jack on Lost? I do not enjoy chop liver, but I suppose I will happily play the part while you gallivant around with one finger in your ear and the other on your phone while I stand here like a moron.

"My sister has that exact same phone!" Really? This EXACT SAME PHONE?! They told me this was a one-of-a-kind. That's what the man at Verizon told me. He said they specifically crafted it to meet my needs. He lied. I'd like to see your sister's phone. I bet she doesn't have the same desktop photo as me.

"I have to stop at the Verizon store after work and change my plan." Hm. I don't. Sucks for you.

Reason #2 - I do not need a cell phone.

When people hear that I don't have a cell phone, their first question is ALWAYS, "So how do people reach you?"

Hm. A perplexing quandary to be sure. How would someone need to reach me in an emergency? Let's see...

My school's phone.
The phone in my classroom.
My home phone.
My wife's cell phone.
Any one of my 3 email addresses.
My facebook account.
The Blog O' Cheese emergency comment section.
US mail.
Instant Messaging
Singing telegram.
They could just COME TO MY frigging house!
Morse code. (I learned it during my brief stint in the Navy.)
String with two cans tied to the ends.

Yeah, I am totally screwed if I don't get a cell phone.

The next question I am undoubtedly asked is, "Well, what if your car breaks down? What are you going to do then?"

This is a huge worry for me in that I drive approximately fifteen miles a day in a car that I have never once had a problem with. Nevertheless, I have given it much thought, and if this indeed happened, I would probably do one of three things:

1. Wither up into the fetal position on the floor of the backseat of my car and weep incessantly.
2. Walk (yes, I said walk) to one of the 12 gas stations along my route from home to work and use one of their phones.
3. Get a piggyback ride to work from one of the old crossing guard gals that are always waving to me as I drive by.

Reason #3 - Why in heaven's name would I want people to bother me?

I do not have a job in sales. I do not have patients waiting for a new heart in a thermos full of ice. No one works for me.

I simply don't need to feel "needed" by your unnecessary calls.

Reason #4 - Blue Tooth

Self explanatory.

Reason # 5 - Cliche phrases about the bill.

"My cell phone bill went up again!" - Mine didn't.

"My 12 year old daughter racked up a $200.00 bill for texting." - And why is she still living, with the phone still in her backpack?

"I am so ticked because I have to switch to blah, blah, blah for my iPhone to blah, blah, blah." - Yeah, well I am ticked because you are wasting my time by telling me this crap.

That is it folks. I do not own a cell phone and I doubt if I ever will. Strangely enough, here I am BLOGGING... on an actual COMPUTER! I have no idea how technology hasn't passed me by.

And you should totally check out my thumbs. Having never texted in my life, they are as smooth as a baby's bottom... or a baby's thumb... unless the baby owns a cell phone as many of them do.

70 comments:

Kristina P. said...

You really haven't lived until you have uttered the words, "Can you hear me now?" or texted something like, "U R kul."

Lucy said...

You are funny. My best freinds husband is the same. No mobile 'phone for him. He doesn't bother to explain why, he just shrugs. You excuse yourself in a far funnier fashion!

Lisa said...

Three words -- GOOD FOR YOU! I wish I could be so strong. But I NEED mine! ;O)

mama-face said...

cool. No cell phone...but the fact that you spelled and USED both loose and WITHER correctly...I am a happy camper.

There's probably an app for that btw.

-stephanie- said...

I'm with you Cheese! I have one, but only because my husband wants me to have one. I do not call on it, and I tell others to not call me unless there is some major emergency, but hubby doesn't comply and calls me for dumb reasons. I pay as I go with it. I never texted either. Don't know how. I have taken a picture or two, because my kids were being cute. I even have the old fashioned ring tone on mine, cuz I'm old like that. Like when people actually had to stick their finger in a hole and turn a dial. And you couldn't move from where the phone was because of a short cord. Yea, that kind of ring. Anyway, sorry for the blog post here. Loved yours.

Pat Tillett said...

I have a cell phone, but I usually wish I didn't. The battery is dead at least 50% of the time.

What happened to silence? What happened to alone time? Why do people always have to be in touch?

skcoe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
skcoe said...

Wait, HALT. Um, so pagers aren't the big thing anymore?

I feel so out of the loop.

Love, your cousin Jeff's wife Michelle's best friend Sheryl. :) See? We're practically best friends!

Lisa Loo said...

I have one but here in the middle of nowhere Montana its always a gamble whether there will be service or not. Which covers my gambling addiction---hey--kinda like a 2fer!

Just SO said...

I have one because I have children.

I still have a Razer and will until it dies on me then I'll look into getting another one. I do have a blue tooth that a cousin gave me but I hate it so I don't use it.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Hahaha! Awesome.
I got my very first cell phone about... two years ago now?

We got one when I was ready to pop with baby number three and my husband was working an hour away. Needed to get a hold of him, you know?

Then someone gave us a second one and hubby's work pays for our phones.

But we don't have a land line.

And we don't text.

Apparently, I'm so uncivilized.

Bossy Betty said...

At least you are not grabbing your buzzing body parts. That's a good thing.

Nubian said...

My jaw did not hit the ground ~ in fact I am in awe. 1000 slaps on the back (in a good way) :D

Noelle said...

I believe that I was the first to comment on the other blog after you ... I said something like "Seriously? Cheeseboy doesn't have a cell phone?" I hope my comment wasn't the start of the riots!

Melinda said...

I have a cell phone, but thats because I don't have a regular phone, otherwise I wouldn't be able to get the five hundred calls from debt collectors I get a week...oh wait, maybe I SHOULD get rid of my stupid cell phone.

The Empress said...

You are right on every single point...

Lana@The Kids Did WHAT?! said...

I had one for a while and got bored of it.
Now I have other things to waste my money on. WooHoo!!

Cynthia said...

Awesome! I have a cell phone but only for work purposes- and it's a "pay as you go" $15 phone. And after I washed it last week and had to replace it, I was REALLY glad I have a cheapo phone. I don't 'chat' on it. The only people who have complained during the time I HAVEN'T had a phone are people who wanted to reach me so I could bail them out of some jam. Totally GREAT reason NOT to have a cell!

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

I knew I loved you. I mean, in a platonic-blog-follower-whose-noticed-your-very-hot-wife-and-adorably-goofy-kids kinda way. I didn't get a cell phone until a few years ago for safety reasons only and because my then fiance insisted. Damn all cell phones, blue teeth, texting, and 5-faves!
xoRobyn

ScoMan said...

My phone sits off most of the time so people can't bother me.

It's mostly there for me to contact people.. but if they want me, the phone is off. Too bad.

I can believe you don't have a cell phone, what I can't believe is that people can't contact you by carrier pigeon.

That's ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous.

I won't be throwing my sofa out the window, but really? No carrier pigeon?

Mr. Stupid said...

Its nice to keep away from the phone. I just heard a virus is hunting down people with Mobile phones. And yeah, guys from Mars sent it here.

I don't have a phone either. I broke/soaked the three I had before. Two broke and one was washed in the Washing machine...:)

Powdered Toast Man said...

I am too brainwashed by the government and corporations not to do what everybody else does. I couldn't probably live without a cell phone but it is now physically sewn to my hip and has a retractable flesh cord. I paid a lot of money for that surgery and I'm not going to just cut it off.

Hutch said...

Knowing what little I know from reading this blog and your comments I'm actually not surprised by this. I'm addicted to mine though and wouldn't be commenting on my layover at JFK without it. You're welcome.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I'm about to make you feel better - I don't have a cell phone either!

Tracie said...

I have a cell phone but I can't even figure out how to answer it. I have to wait for the call to go to voicemail and then return the call. I think I'd be better off without one. :)

Pedaling said...

this may be my most favorite post - though, i do have a cell phone-
i envy you!

"My cell phone bill went up again!" - Mine didn't.

that pretty much says it all!

have a great week-end!

Marion Williams-Bennett said...

Good for you - look at how life is more interesting without a cell phone!

I caved and got one, but it's this low-end phone designed for old people - the numbers are really big, and there are three buttons marked ICE (in case of emergency). Makes me feel secure in case I fall and can't get up.

Katie's Dailies said...

It's funny but my husband and I were just talking about leaving the house w/o our cells. I know if I did, one or both my kids would break their leg, contract malaria or get their head caught in the door of the bathroom stall at school (this last one actually happened to my boy when he was in KG. and the school nurse had to call me to let me know about it). My cell phone is my lifeline to my kids; also, if we didn't have such a good texting plan, my daughter wouldn't let me know that she was tagged during Senior Soak Day yesterday!

Both my girl and I refuse on principal to use text "language": if we're gonna take the time to write you, we're gonna be using full sentences.

But good for you! Stand firm in your refusal of all things cellular! ; )

imbeingheldhostage said...

Aaaaah, but think how much easier it would be to blog from anywhere-- which is what I do. From my phone. Hah!

Actually, I hate that people can reach me anytime, anywhere...

Aunt of 14 said...

Ahhh I see. Oh really? You're serious?

Can I say something though? THANK YOU. Thank you SO MUCH for being one of those folks who do not cell and drive. Those people get on my last nerve!!!

Kimi@SoManyKids said...

I admire your bravery. Seriously! Okay but if you can actually get the crossing guard ladies to give you a piggy back ride to the nearest gas station then what is there to worry about.

Plain Jane said...

Every month I remind my husband how much our cell bill is in the hopes that he will cancel our plan. Hasn't worked yet. Maybe if we get a landline he will be open to the idea.

ModernMom said...

LOL You are one of the last hold outs! I get it though. There is something very liberating about turning off my phone for an entire weekend!

Copyboy said...

I actually respect you for holding out and not be permanently strapped to this addictive technology.

The Vineyard said...

My hubby and I haven't had them for 8 years now.

We get weird looks too.

Ces't La Vie said...

you remind me of my cousin, EXACT personalities haha
i think i would love a world with no cell phones, life would be so different...but as it is, i am addicted and i cannot give mine up...

sara

Ashlee said...

You have an emergency comment section? I've never seen it.

Also... I think the best reason you listed was #3. Sometimes it is just TOO easy for people to get me.

tammy said...

My jaw's still on the basement floor. And we don't even have a basement.

myimaginaryblog said...

My husband and I use cheap pay-as-you-go phones (but you pay in other ways, like nonexistent customer service). Twenty-five cents a minute is dirt cheap if you only use your phone a few minutes each month. We got our first phone when I was expecting baby #3 and my husband seemed to never be in his office at work to answer his phone. Actually he still often forgets his phone at home or has it shut off, which gets frustrating for me. But when he does have it, I LOVE being able to call him while he's at the grocery store and tell him I forgot to put candy on the grocery list.

The phones have also been invaluable on vacation and saved us LOTS of inconvenience when we've accidentally lost each other at the Air and Space Museum or needed to call someone back home (and didn't have to find a pay phone or use the hotel phone) etc.

Most of the time my phone sits quietly in my purse, but it really has made life easier and more convenient. And I am definitely getting an iPhone someday when they're cheaper and not tied to AT&T. They look like such a fun toy.

But: I don't have a laptop. I feel so underprivileged.

Writing Without Periods! said...

You have a string with two cans. So do I!!! Call me.
Mary

Krista said...

I have one but I hardly use it. I sometimes don't want to be gotten a hold of - that's why I'm not home. But....I do think it's important to speak your teen's language and sometimes texting "I love you" is great. But other than that, people know I don't text. Or receive pictures. Or chat on it.

Abby said...

My husband outright refuses to own a cell phone, too. Same with my dad. They're not doctors, so why do they need to be contactable 24/7?

Chaka said...

You are my idol. The only other cell phone-less people I know are over 70 years old. I'm a cell phone user, but I'm not obnoxious about it. Can you please give this same speech to the millions of teenagers who think they are being abused by their parents if they don't have their own cell phone by age 16?

bunny said...

I can one up you cheese boy...I don't have cable. have a good one!

bunny

ps..i

bunny said...

I meant to say...I don't like In N Out either...I know, blasphemy!!


bunny

I Wonder Wye said...

hi cheesyman. I am with you-- no cell for me either. Drives my friends and family crazy (an added benefit you forgot to list). 'i need it for the kids? For crying out -- how many of you have actually used it for a kid emergency? Anybody?? geez....did I miss you in the dumpster dive? Now you're going for Burt's truck? How do you swing that??! Glad to be back in the land of the blog...I love my Mac home computer but this mac book rocks...

Loretta Valenta said...

Now you did it...making us all want to be like you. Should we be worried? ;)

DeNae said...

I have a heart condition and as such I appreciate the heads' up in your beginning paragraphs. However, for all that, I still was not prepared for that particularly shocking revelation. No worries; I used my cell phone to call the paramedics who came and used the Electric Paddles o' Life on me, thus making this comment even possible.

That's right, CB. This comment brought to you courtesy of...my cell phone.

(My little burgundy LG NV is awaiting your apology...)

Joann Mannix said...

I'm tardy to the pardy, but I was one of those commenters, shocked by your admission. Whose party were we at, Cheeseboy? I get so confused in this whirlwind of blogs.

And I am with you. I'm kind of weird about phones. Even though, I can blaa, blaa, blaa all day on these blogs, I hate the phone. I say what I have to say and hang up. I'm not all girlie in that way. And for the record, it is the only way I am not girlie. You should see me try to catch a ball. It is very sad.

So, I can see that. But... and it's a big but, you'll change your mind when you have teenagers...that are driving...your car. Enough said.

Oh and the bluetooth. You know what goes with the bluetooth, right? The fanny pack. I thought there was something coming about that.

Okay, that's all I have to say. I'm hanging up now.

Beth said...

Love your list of contact alternatives! :)

SueLovesCherries said...

I'm a few days behind on reading blogs, but my today (Friday) post explains why. I loved your waxing story - glad you took it like a man!

Cell phones? I have one - a TracPhone, but I hardly use it - thus the TracPhone and not a regular serviced company. I used to have a regular one - just used it to play solitaire on!

Mamma has spoken said...

I am so glad to see how many others have a pay as you go phone too! My sons make fun of me for it because I NEVER hear it when it rings. Just tonight, one said to me, "why do you have a cell phone if you never answer it?" I had to laugh because the cell phone was at home charging.
Sounds silly but I've been known to text my sons upstairs to come downstairs for dinner. Funny, but they can hear the beep of their cell phones but not me screaming that it's dinner time.

FabuLeslie said...

Geez! 49 comments that I do not have time to read. So I hope no one else said what I am going to say...

People could also reach you by calling one of your students' cell phones, or their parents' cell phones that they stole and still have in their backpacks on any given day.

Hard to believe this story is true, but I believe that the Cheese is an upstanding guy, so I guess I have to buy it. Crazy!

sammy said...

i love being able to instant message my sister who lives in the UK pretty much whenever i want.

i HATE talking on the phone. it doesnt matter if its a cell or house phone. but i can text ALL day. i can text 3 or 4 convo's at once and get 3 or 4 things done at once.

i swear the bluetooth is the devil and i will NEVER own one. my cell on the other hand is like my 'savior'.

Gwei Mui said...

Great post will be adding you to my list. Why should you own a cellphone especially if you don't need one! Sadly I do and there are times I wish I could get shot of it!

Queenie Jeannie said...

I can't beat you, but I'm almost as "weird". I don't text. Never have, never will, and proudly don't know how. My cell phone is always turned off and in my purse. If I leave the house and if I'm without my husband (which happens about twice a year, lol!) then I turn it on. If I remember to. I ussually don't. It's a "just in case" phone. If an emergency does actually occur, the battery will undoubtedly be dead.

So stupid!

smArtee said...

I have an I phone..But I dont...repeat, Dont use all those cliches..I just use my phone quietly..read blogs during waiting time, and make phone calls when necessary....but I do love it and as I was telling another friend..I would rather have a new piece of technology than a bling bling...yes I love all new gadgets..kindle, ipad, laptop.. whatever comes out I want it..is that greedy...well no..because I don't wear bling..my electronic gadgets are my Bling...so dont lump me with all those .."others"...im just a simple gal with a simple need...BTW..my partner at work just got her first cell this year...she felt like you did for the longest time..!

Traci said...

We only have cell phones. No home phone. I hate it. Half of the time I cannot find my cell phone when I'm at home and then I'm in a panic because we live in the trashy part of town and how will I call the police when someone breaks into my house and I'm cowering in the shower with my children?

MiMi said...

I know a girl who threw hers out because she was sick of it. She said it's more peaceful.

The Church Lady said...

I like how you justified not needing a cell phone. All very good resons! It made me realize, I don't need one either! Except, not having my cell phone would be like me leaving the house without my makeup, or clothes. I guess I'm too addicted. Maybe there should be a cell phone addiction hotline.

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

I too am off the grid. I like to say that it is because I have no one to talk too (and that is true) but the reality is that I fear the cell phone. The same technology is used in radar guns and police have higher than average rates of testicular cancer from resting those speed guns in their laps. So holding a phone to your head 23 hours a day can't be good for you. I just know that in several years there will be an epidemic of cancer of the brain and the balls. That is for all those people who talk out their asses.

and OMG - 60 comments??? SIXTY???? On the topic of cell phones. What the hell am I doing wrong? I am niche right? Tell me the truth. I will believe you.

Terry said...

I would DIE without my cell phone, my iPod touch AND my laptop....all come with me to work so I can loiter behind Caribou and be "connected". Love it that you don't have one though...that's awesome!

ASBLACKASOBAMA said...

Wow.... I'm hooked on mine! I've never met anyone without a cell phone!

Tammy said...

This is one of my favorite posts Abe. I cannot stop laughing about all the things you listed under reason #2. Great job!

Out Of My Head said...

I have one but can never find it. its one of those pay for minutes and i think in al the years we have had it i have maybe used 5 minutes. i hate to talk on the phone. I never turn it on. Its for me to call you if i need you but wait a moment i couldn't call you. Thank God someone I don't have to talk to on the phone

Susan Tipton said...

We do have cell phones but I do understand the weird way not having a technology freaks people out. Though we have children, we don't have any sort of video gaming systems or cable television.- evidently that makes us freaks.

Teachinfourth said...

Holy Hannah…

I laughed at this one, Abe. It is shocking when I see 2nd or 3rd graders at my school with cell phones. Their reasoning is, "If my parents need to find out where I am they can call."

What the heck?

What did my parents do when they needed to get a hold of me? Oh yeah, they knew where I was going most of the time. AND if I wasn't where I was supposed to be when I said so I'd be bludgeoned to death with the cat.

I didn't get my cellphone until my final year at college…

I do have a confession, though. I've recently become a texter. Hope we can still be friends. Also, the use of Holy and heck in the same comment cancels them both out, so I'm good...

onlyoublog said...

I'm a little late, but come over here and let me slap you a HIGH 5 (do people talk like that anymore?)!!! I HATE cell phones and although I have one, I bought it reluctantly and I bought the cheapest one I could find. I almost never use it. My neighbor called me on my cell TWICE in an emergency and I never picked up. I can't keep straight which floor of the house I left it on or which purse or if I had it on vibrate mode or what, so I usually can't even hear it. The neighbor had to send another unknown neighbor to ring our house bell to get me. Anyway, fabulous post - your best one so far in my personal opinion!!

tiburon said...

This might be the greatest post ever.

It almost makes me want to get rid of my cell phone. But since my BlackBerry actually sustains my existence I am going to have to pass.

Babe in Boysland said...

Jeff doesn't have a cell either. And for all the exact same reasons you listed. Well, mostly. It's like you guys grew up together or something... oh, wait, you did!