Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Think your day has been strange? It can't beat mine today. Just take a gander...

What a whimsical, ridiculous day I've had.  From start to finish, there was not a dull moment.  I give you my four highlights, or low-lights, or just lights.

1. "Meet Your New Teacher Day" at school.  

We first grade teachers dropped our first graders off at the second grade to meet their new teachers.  We then traveled down to the kindergarten to meet the new first graders that were coming into our classes. The kindergarten teacher had each group of kids sitting on the floor, lined up in a straight line, according to which teacher they had next year.

I walked over to my line of three and stood in front of them.  A chubby Asian kid sat first in line and was smiling at me with this big, toothless grin.  I looked down and smiled back.  That's when it happened.  He was excited and had something to tell me:

"YOU A F***!"

I thought I misunderstood him.

"Excuse me. What's that?"

"YOU A F***!"  (There was no "er" added to the end.  Just, "You a f***!")

At this point, the three other first grade teachers are in stitches.  They are hiding their faces behind notebooks, near tears of laughter streaming down their face.

I pretend he didn't say anything and we started addressing the whole group about first grade next year.

Five minutes later, he had to tell me one more time.

"YOU A F***!"

"Alright, that's enough.  That is not a nice thing to say."

He just looks up at me with this goofy grin on his face, like he had just told me I was an awesome superstar.  Meanwhile, the other first grader teachers are hiding in the corner, rolling in laughter.

*It turns out, he will be moving and although he was supposed to be in my class, he actually won't.  I told kindergarten teacher and she was embarrassed.  She said he and his parents have been learning English and they probably don't know what it even means.

2. 6th Grade v. Teachers softball game.

My first time up, I pulled up to the bag, ready to launch a rocket across the left field fence.  You should never swing at the first pitch, but I decide, why wait?  I launch the hit of the game, a clean shot that whizzes through the air like an 80's lawn dart.

I begin my triumphant jaunt around the bases, my elbow pumping in World Series style; "A Moment Like This" blaring on the loudspeakers.  Fireworks began pouring onto the field.

(Okay, I may have exaggerated a bit.)

I look up from my jog of fame to see a 4 foot 3 inch sixth grader reach out and snag the ball over his head in mid stride like he was friggen Willie Mays.  T'was the catch of the century.

Some sloppy, scrawny sixth grader stole MY moment of joy. How dare he?! What a little snot-nosed punk.   I knew a kindergartner that could give him a word or two.  Alas, next year, revenge will be mine.

The teachers lost to the 6th graders 9-3.  Apparently, the annals of history show that we have never been thumped so badly.  (Not coincedentally, this score is also now listed in the anals of history.)

My strange day continued....

3.  Nasty stuff stuck in noses.

I am sometimes an after school tutor at Sylvan Learning Center.  I arrive today, exhausted from all the swearing, the losing and my awesomeness mojo being stolen by some punk kid.  I sit down at my table and I have two girls there: a 3rd grader and a fifth grader.  We proceed to have this odd and surreal conversation:

Me: Wow, what a day, I've had.

5th Grade Girl: Me too.

Me: Oh yeah, what happened to you?

5th Grade Girl: I sneezed when I was eating a gummy bear and it went up my mouth and is stuck behind my nose.  I've had bright blue snot all day.

Me: [Just dying, trying my darnedest not to laugh.] Oh wow, your day was definitely worse than mine. Has it come out yet?

5th Grade Girl: No, it is just coming out slowly, I think - in runny blue snot.

3rd Grade Girl: Oh yeah, well my cousin used to stick cigarette butts up her nose and now she has asthma!!

Me: This is the strangest day ever.  How was your day?

Finally, my wacky day was complete when I learned that my ludicrously kooky blog had actually received an award from Mrs. Jeannie at Jeannie's Happy World.  Thank you, Jeannie.  You are the best Jeannie I know and that includes the Jeannie that runs the zoo's merry-go-round.  (That Jeannie always calls me "Sport" and I hate that.

63 comments:

Katie's Dailies said...

Oh wow! That first one had me snickering like the rest of your fellow teachers.

And that last one made me think of the time my sister laughed so hard at breakfast that scrambled eggs went up her nose, she sneezed in her second period class and out they came again.

She couldn't wait to tell me about it after school that day!

Amy said...

That first story is quite funny! We had "meet the teacher day" also today.

Actually, I took my kids to visit a 1st grade teacher's room and then I took her soon to be 2nd graders to my room for "Heads Up, 7 up". Our students don't know who their teacher is until early August when they get their letter/postcard in the mail.

Only 2 more days left for me! Yay!

Vagabond Teacher said...

LOL...I had my former boss's kid in my class today. Your story is better!

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Oh wow *snort* I would have to call this the day of total awesome-ness. But then again, I'm on the outside looking in, silently laughing.

Pat Tillett said...

You are correct! Your day was strange, but it was funny!

-stephanie- said...

You know....you just can't make this stuff up. What a fine day. Get some rest. :oD

FabuLeslie said...

You should have pulled a fork out of your pocket and said, "No, I'm not a fork. I HAVE a fork."

Also, you have just given me the greatest idea ever for a modification of our gummy bear science experiment! Normally, we try to predict how they will change if left in a cup of water. Now, I'm thinkin I should have them all eat them and sneeze, mid-chew. Then they could record results over the rest of the day.

Color of snot: blue
Color of saliva: blue
Taste of snot: sweet deliciousness

Too far? oops.

Krista said...

Oh my heck! I used to sub and had a first grader that had a problem with the "F" word. Actually, to this day (4th grade) I refer to him as the spawn of Satan. He really is an evil kid. Still in the office every day. Maybe in Chinese that's a compliment.

Kristina P. said...

Man, I had being a social worker and having that stupid thing called confidentiality. I wish I could blog about snot nosed kids who steal our glory and call us naughty words.

Until then, I have to live vicariously through your hilarious retelling.

teresa and the boys said...

Please tell me that I'll always be able to stalk your blog even when you're no longer responsible for the formal education of my child.

I read this entry, nearly fell out of my chair, and then re-read it to Aaron. He managed to remain upright, but only just.

The Teacher's Pets said...

Youngsters! They have a way of making adults feel inadequate in no time at all, that's for sure!

Lisa said...

Man, you did have a weird day. I can't imagine talking so freely about snot as a little girl at that age and not being completely mortified. The little Asian kid gets a pass because of the language barrier. My how things have changed.

Lisa Loo said...

You had me at whimsical.......and kept me till right after the gummi bear snot----

And I just want you to know that I have tried beyond tried to be your first comment but you have become quite the bees knees.

Speaking of weird words--

annals

that is all..

MiMi said...

Oh my word.
I can't even think of anything good to say.
This is just too funny!
Why did you have a group of only 3 kids in the KG class that were moving into yours?
And what the heck does a kid who doesn't speak english learn in an english speaking school?
The blue snot...yikes. But the kid calling A **** really takes the cake.

Marlene said...

I'm not sure which is funnier, blue snot or "you're a f***." :)

Sweet Bee Cottage said...

Oh I am so glad I do not teach 1st grade. God bless you! Sorry but the blue snot takes the cake!

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

This was so entirely amusing. Between the "f***," embarrassing baseball loss, and blue gummy bear snot story, I don't know how you kept a straight face through it all. Then again, it does sound rather humbling.
xoRobyn

Gwei Mui said...

OMG that was hilarious...
Out of the mouths of babes comes... blue stuff!

Noelle said...

You have had a day!!! Wow...blue snot and the F word...I think I want your job!

W.C.Camp said...

Good stuff - except that Anals of history part - I'm not sure I will ever look at a baseball score in the same way again?

The initiation gag at my old company was that the office ladies would routinely hand a new hire a note that read " Please page Phuc Nguyen in the warehouse and ask him to report to the office" They would snicker and snicker as horrible things would go out over the loud P.A. system in the plant. The Vietnamese name is actually pronounced "PHOOK" but of course it's too late now to say it correctly and change the 'anals of history's' pants! W.C.C.

Tammy said...

That first story is the funniest! I can totally picture it :).

And it's pretty funny to think of cigarettes up your nose causing asthma.

Rachel said...

That is insanely hilarious! I was dying at the first incident, but was helplessly giggling at the blue snot.

Awesome day!

Sco said...

Wow. Your day was a lot more interesting than creating and filing my TPA reports.

Melinda said...

I love all of it! I didn't think I could like you anymore until you started talking about the punk 6th grader and your glory moment!! HAHAHA! You are my kind of guy, I'm all about rubbing things in little kids faces! BAHAHA!

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

That story almost made me pee my pants I laughed so hard. I miss those days when you actually try to crush the kids (like Mr. H's BOMBARDMENT Dodge Ball) and you get completely OWNED. All you can do it take your lumps and feel like a loser all day. I would have chased that kid that caught the ball but he would have outrun me but good.

Mamma has spoken said...

I once had a student put a bean in his ear and he/we couldn't get it out. He wanted to see if it would fit. What made it worst, he was the superintendent's son.

Joan said...

I love that you get to meet your kiddos for the next year and that they know who their teacher will be. I also like the baseball game idea. We have a 6th grade track meet, and the teachers run a relay against the kids. That means just a few teachers can participate. A baseball game would be more fun!

Kelly said...

I didn't think they made blue gummibears... Maybe you should check your facts : )

Have a better day today.

Mary said...

blue snot...awesome!

Mighty M said...

Wow - that is quite the day. That first one is over the top hilarious!

The Invisible Seductress said...

You are most def not a f***!!!

I love this post!!! And I heart you as a teacher..the kids are so lucky!!!

The Church Lady said...

I know that was only yesterday, but you are looking back on that and laughing, right? Now my day isn't looking so bad.

SueLovesCherries said...

I'm speechless . . . and I have nothing that can top that day!

Tennessee Mom said...

The blue snot is just killing me with laughter. I don't think I'll ever look at a gummi bear the same way ever again.

Also, you have an award over at my place: http://bit.ly/c09jzm

reasonably chubby said...

Wow Cheeseboy, that was a weird day! You're a...nice person, you know that? :) That's strange to think a gummy bear could get caught up in the nasal cavity. I'm personally very grossed out by the thought. As for your 'moment in the sun', stolen forever-well, don't feel bad. Kids these days start playing sports at the age of two, training seriously by age four. It was like you were playing professionals and you didn't even know it!

Mr. Stupid said...

This was hilarious. My day can't beat yours though! BTW, there was a kid in my class a few years back that had the same problem!
Smiles:)

Unknown Mami said...

I love the F-bomb and how you just let him call you that over and over. He and his parents are probably totally fluent in English and are laughing their asses off right now.

Joann Mannix said...

Shhh, you didn't see me over here. I had to sneak out of self imposed restriction and see what fancy things you had to say today.

Maybe the Asian boy watched the Burt Reynold's video. Hmmm? Just a thought.

I once got in trouble at school for sticking a pencil up a boy's nose and causing the lead to wedge in his nostril. But, we won't speak of that. I'm still not over it.

Okay, crawling back into my hole.

Vanessa said...

I had 9th graders call me a b*&^% and Miss Schmidt (leaving out the M).

I wish that I could have blamed it on them not knowing English very well.

Little sh*&'s.

Ms Bibi said...

Lmao, thank you for my morning laugh.

How did you know I needed cheering up on my birthday morning?

I am pretty sure if I told my boys about the gummy bear in the nose they would try to do it just to have a colored snot.

Just SO said...

That is definitely a weird day! But if it weren't for day such as this what would we blog about??

Why can't I have blue snot days to blog about?

Marion Williams-Bennett said...

Wow, what a day! I love this part the best..

"I knew a kindergartner that could give him a word or two."

Sad that he won't be in your class, that would have been fun to see how his English had progressed, perhaps learning that adding "er" to the word makes it a noun!

Sadako said...

Oh my. I am glad I've never had anything stuck in my nose! :D

C'est La Vie said...

and now she has asthma!! hahaha
i used to stick dandelions up my nose, my mom would get sooo mad

then i sniffed pepper once when i was like 6 because i didn't want to leave my friends house so i thought if i was sneezing i would be too sick to go home (next door)

tammy said...

That little kindergartener was probably so proud of himself too.

Blue snot. My boys would think that was awesome.

Mrs. Potts said...

The gummy bear killed me. My little brother once put a pea up his nose. And then I squeezed his nose.

Not very pretty.

He hated me & if my mom could have killed me, she would have.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I think the blue gummy bears wins for weirdness for me as well!

woman:confused said...

Wow, what a day! Sounds far more interesting than my day did LOL

Beth said...

I still can't figure out exactly what that kid called you ... though my imagination is happily filling in the blanks!

And blue snot would be hard to beat!

blueviolet said...

Come on, seriously, I would have absolutely died if I had heard that kid say that to you!

Gummy snot...too much!!! You teachers have never ending blog fodder!

Tracie said...

LOL! You teachers really do get the best blog fodder, don't you? Awesome.

Hutch said...

I really don't understand how you manage to keep it together! Blue snot and not even alarmed?

Diane J. said...

You've got to have more stange days, they are too darn funny.

I don't even know what to say, I can't stop laughing. Here's to a calm evening so you can back to the strangeness.

Ally said...

OK, wait, did he ask are you an FU** or an F*G? I'm so confused, though you said "er" ... how funny either way!

I swear if teaching jobs were easier to get and keep in the east coast, I would totally head for that alternate route (teaching with a BA) stuff. Your days really are jam-packed with funny moments. It seems like no day is the same really.

I totally remember that teachers vs students games - I think we may have done volley ball though.

FourthGradeNothing.com

Shelly Belly's Boutique said...

the chinese guy who does our laundry pretends like he doesn't speak english when it comes time for us to pay, he knows damn well how to speak english...fool. When I'm alone, it's always a few $$'s more

Cruella Collett said...

Hahaha, I am still wiping tears from my cheeks after laughing about the blue snot. Not that the rest of it wasn't funny, because it was, but the blue did the tear trick.

I was thinking "Tourettes!" all through the first story, though, but I guess language issues could just as well explain it - hope someone has the heart (and courage) to teach the kid a better greeting before he gets too far in life...

Writing Without Periods! said...

A gummy bear behind the nose...eh, isn't that something a doctor should attend to? I'm so out of the loop when it comes to kids. I have had anyone call me a name in ages...or at least I haven't heard it.
Love the post.
Mary

Bossy Betty said...

Really glad it's you and not me. (Because you're so cool. of course.)

ModernMom said...

Bwhaha Nope, can't top it. You win!

If I may, I love that your kids get to meet their teacher for next year. My kids get the fun anxiety provoking game of not knowing who their teacher will be until they walk through the door in September. Sigh..

tiburon said...

I don't think I will ever be able to eat a gummy bear again.

EVER.

Emmy said...

Lol! Okay you win you had quite the day. Man I am still laughing and I may have even snorted a few times while reading this, luckily I wasn't eating gummy bears.

Teachinfourth said...

On my last 6th grade VS the teachers game I rocketed the ball out of the field. When you've got hundreds of kids chanting your name, there is nothing like it...

Charlotte said...

This is why our school plays tennis baseball instead of real baseball in the student/teacher games. Less humiliating for the LOSERS.