Monday, June 14, 2010

Some lists

If you follow the Blog O' Cheese at all, you will notice that on occasion, I enjoy making lists of one type or another.  Here are a few lists that I have come up with recently:

Neil Diamond songs that may or may not be about Cannibalism:

1. Sweet Caroline
2. Cracklin’ Rosie
3. You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore
4. He Ain’t Heavy… He’s Was My Brother

Places that I have not gone shirtless since I was 22:

1. 7-11
2. Inside a church
3. Pets Smart
4. Strings N’ Things

*I went with my wife once to a “Strings N’ Things” store and I noticed a sign on the door that said, “No shoes, no shirt, no service.” The no shoes thing I understand, but what if I had been an NBA basketball player, assigned to go to Strings N’ Things after practice and pick out some new material for our new uniforms. I am sure that would be a big order of the finest materials. I don’t think Strings N’ Things fully thought through their policy.

Tattoos I want:

1. A unicorn stabbing a dragon in the heart on my left buttocks.
2. A watch where my watch would be, in case I forget to wear my watch.
3. A picture of Philisha Rashad on my belly (My curly chest hair would be her hair.)
4. A chrysalis on my lower back.

*If I were a woman, I would get a tattoo of a chrysalis on my lower back, instead of a butterfly. When people would ask me why I chose a chrysalis, I would say, “Well, it will turn into a butterfly as soon as I get my boob job done.”

Names of people I have talked to in India recently:

1. Kevin
2. Sarah
3. Pete
4. Maneesh

*I spoke to a guy named “Maneesh” recently and it freaked me out because he didn’t have a clearly made up, American sounding name. Turns out, he was just mispronouncing the name “Manny”.

Things I use, but not properly:

1. Semicolons;
2. Q tips
3. My Fran Drescher, “The Nanny” laughing wind-up toy.
4. The settings on my camera.

The two types of people that said, “Whatchu talkin’ bout Willis?!”

1. Gary Coleman
2. People that try and say it and sound like idiots.

60 comments:

Kristina P. said...

What is Strings N' Things? Must be classy. Anything with an N' is.

The Teacher's Pets said...

Now I would like to see a picture of a basketball player going shirtless as he picks out material for his uniform. Now that would be priceless!
If you ever come to understand the words to "He Ain't Heavy" I would appreciate an explanation. Those lyrics always annoyed me but with your help I might not feel like crashing into a guardrail when that stupid song comes through the airwaves before I can shut it off. Thank you in advance!

Aunt of 14 said...

I thought the same thing, what is Strings N' Things?

The crysalis tattoo on your lower back cracked me up!

UnicycleRose said...

Be kind to my Neil. I love that guy even if he shows cannabalistic tendencies!

Bossy Betty said...

I would like you to go into detail about how you misuse a Q-Tip.

Gwei Mui said...

Hmm I've always wanted the tattoo
"Made In Hong Kong" on my left buttock as I was literally made in Hong Kong.

Eric said...

Have you ever noticed that 'Neil Diamond' is kind of an anagram for 'I dined on lam...'

He is obviously a cannibal.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Man you make me giggle! I am never sure I am using semicolons correct either!

Saimi said...

I'm going to put my self out there and defend my man Neil. OK, so there are a couple of cheesy songs and He Ain't Heavy is one of them. Didn't the Osmonds sing that one as well? Anyway, never been a favorite mine, but I do love Neil!

Enough said, glad your back!!

SueLovesCherries said...

Mmmm, I think I'll have to make a list about the lists I'd like to make.

Kelly said...

I am totally one of those people who sound like an idiot saying "Whacha talking 'bout _____ (insert name)" I thought I was being so cool. Thanks for setting me straight.

Your tattoo ideas had me rolling!

PS Poor Gary Coleman : (

Tortuga said...

Whatchu talkin' bout Cheeseman?

Loved this post, I cracked up at the very though of Neil Diamond as a cannibal!

Marlene said...

There will be no tattoos on my unmarked body. They would have to compete with the wrinkles that are on their way.

Martha said...

You would rock the Rashad tattoo.
RIP Gary Coleman.
Welcome back, Cheese Whiz!

Melinda said...

Whatchutalkinbout Willis?!

C'est La Vie said...

...i will never think of Neil Diamond the same....

oh PLEASE get all of those tattoos haha

Sadako said...

The unicorn tattoo is AWESOME. I want this as my tattoo:

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_C8A04M3NJbo/SVFj0frikTI/AAAAAAAAAec/FThWf26AZ7w/s400/Picture+3.png

I even took the image and made it into a blog award. Because nothing is more awesome than this unicorn.

T said...

Never NEVER going to be able to listen to Neil Diamond again without a little evil grin on my face.

MiMi said...

Well, everytime I got to 7-11 I EXPECT to see a shirtless dude.

Marion Williams-Bennett said...

Whatchu talkin’ bout Willis?

India - I talked to someone in India named Push Peen, who was lovely, but the whole time I talked to her I kept hearing her name as push-pin, which made me laugh inappropriately.

Somehow, I think you understand.

Great lists!

Tammy said...

A unicorn stabbing a dragon in the heart???? I didn't know you approved of such violence!

I like the tattoo watch idea. It's not really too far from tattoo eyeliner.

Does anybody use semicolons properly? I don't even remember the last time I saw one used!

Teachinfourth said...

Willis? Sorry, CB, it's still far too soon.

Now we'll never know what he was talkin' about...

Lene said...

How many followers until the tattoo?

Pat said...

Love the lists! What does the "Q" stand for anyway, in q-tip?

What - no tattoo on your, you know...

Queenie Jeannie said...

I can't comment after Kristina P. does. Nothing sounds even remotely witty after her gems!!!!

lisleman said...

hey did you get that Willis thought from my picture of Willis Tower?

Sweet Caroline - that's a Red Sox theme song and I don't think they eat the opponents.

What the hell is a Strings N' Things?
Anything to do with string cheese or string theory?

good stuff.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Neil Diamond a cannibal? That explains a lot.

Pat Tillett said...

A great funny post.

The "Teacher's Pets" asked for an explanation of the lyrics to "He ain't heavy." Here ya go...

One guy is telling the story of his friend who is dying of cancer. The "he ain't heavy" words represent the support he gave to his friend while he was alive and the sad task of being a pallbearer at his funeral, after he died. It's a pretty sad song, if you know the story behind it, or actually read the lyrics as a story.

This song was recoreded by too many artists to name. I think the "Hollies" recorded it first. Not sure though...
Sorry, didn't mean to run on. It's just a great sad song, that nobody understands.

Mamma has spoken said...

Can't wait to see pictures of all these tatoos! Wonder how the wifey is taking the thought of having them ;o)

Unknown Mami said...

You should get sesame seeds tattooed on your buns and ketchup, mustard, and relish on your weenie, then you could be a hot dog with all the fixins. I hope that special someone in your life likes all the fixins. You should check what kind of toppings she likes before you get the tattoo, I guess. You wouldn't want her to have an aversion.

lindsey v said...

Yikes!

Mary said...

come on, you know you want a CTR shield tattoo on your chest...everyone does :o)

Watery Tart said...

*dies* I cackled madly through all of this. It's a good thing nobody was home or I might have had to take revenge.

So with the watch tattoo... what time would it be? I saw a dragon tattoo recently that was darned impressive, but rated X, so I will keep that information to myself *cough*

mintifresh said...

I was thinking of getting a tat on my butt cheek of the signature of the dude that made Cabbage Patch Dolls. that way, people would know I was an authentic CPD.

What's wrong with a little cannibalism??

Marnie said...

OMG this post is hilarious! I almost lost it with your tattoo list. Too funny.

Barbra Stephens said...

I wondered about Neil...especailly that song, "A little Bit Me, A Little Bit You."
Ew.
Coincidence?
I think not....

unmitigated me said...

I'm a little concerned that you have more than one buttock on the left side. Is it something genetic? Also, you seem to be having tech support issues as well. My friend once asked her son, "Have you met Father Smith, the new parish priest? He's Indian."

To which her son replied, "Native American or tech support?"

Vanessa said...

You're weird.

Gary Coleman was at my husbands hospital cafeteria 3 days before he fell and hit his head. I asked him if he went up and asked him to say it...just say it for him. He didn't dare too. I would have done it, no matter the repricussions. And I spelled that word wrong, but I'm too lazy to look it up.

Katie's Dailies said...

I'm with the chickie who asked about the #of followers till the tattoos start coming.

The Church Lady said...

The chrysalis tattoo is a fantastic idea! Thanks!

Writing Without Periods! said...

I can't write a comment right now...I'm still trying to figure out what you do with that Q-tip.
Later,
mary

Ally said...

those songs are so funny, though i felt a twinge of nausea when i read that.

that tat of the cosby show mom would be rad!

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

I cannot stop laughing about the chrysallis tatoo turning into a butterfly after the boob job. That is just too hysterically bizarre. I think I'll try it myself.
xoRobyn

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Having had Neil Diamond fans for parents, I heartily laughed at your first list.

Joann Mannix said...

Dude, I have been saying that all my life. Do NOT say I sound like an idiot. I am totally cool when I come out with it. You have to get it just right.

Try being around my kids with Q tips. They're real weirdos about ear wax and they love cleaning out anyone's ears how lets them and when I tell you they're not ear cleaners, they're ear plungers. It is the worst.

Have I shared too much?

I also do not know of this Strings N' Things that you speak of.

Oh, and my husband being the very politically correct man that he is, always yells into the phone, "I'm not going to discuss this with you. I need to speak to someone in America." Just call me Edith Bunker.

FabuLeslie said...

Oh how I have missed reading your posts. I have nothing witty to say, but I wanted you to know I'm here and reading. Thanks for the laughs, as always!

Semicolons; HA!

Ash said...

LOL at your list. why would you think of getting tattoo no. 1?? >.<

~ash's mum
(i'm following you..in a nice stalkerish way!)

ScoMan said...

If you like "Sweet Caroline" you should look up Tripod's version of it on YouTube. It's funny.

The only version I like.

Powdered Toast Man said...

What time would your tattoo watch be set to? I would get a pocket watch tattoo, they're classier.

Pearl said...

Strings N Things is surely a made-up location?? If it is, I appreciate your wanting to provide us with something silly; and if it is not, I want to go there for all my previously un-met string needs.

Pearl

Amy said...

I, too, have contemplated the idea of a tattoo. Now you've given me much more to think about. Too funny!

reasonably chubby said...

"What you talkin' bout willis?". ...this line is classic. Hey, I'm a list maker too. I love it-it makes me feel as if I'm accomplishing things whilst laying upon my couch watching The Real Housewives.

Sam Liu said...

I never thought I'd find amusement in lists, but you've done it again! These are just wonderful, I love how your mind works. As always, a hugely entertaining and hilarious post :D

tiburon said...

I am a big fan of lists. And these ones rock. Although I must say I am sad that a shark isn't on your tattoo wishlist.

I have one ;)

sammy said...

haha i cant stand bad gary coleman impressions. and ALL impressions are bad.

strings n things?

neil diamond? what basketball team does he play for? (jk)

i dont use semi colons because i dont know how or when to use them

im all about the lists! nice post

tammy said...

How funny, I too have gone shirtless in those same places.

(Vanessa spelled a word wrong?? *gasp*)

jayayceeblog said...

Absolutely great lists. Have never heard of Strings n Things, though!

Donda said...

Just found your blog from a comment you left on another blog and thought, "Hey, a dude that does dishes" can't be all bad!! Donda at dailylifewithbipolar.blogspot.com
There is a slight chance that you may think I am an idiot though, I say "whatchoo talkin' bout Willis" all the time :)

Mighty M said...

I vaguely recall strings n things. I never went in there shirtless either... :)

Marla said...

Lists are the best!