Monday, June 14, 2010
Neil Diamond songs that may or may not be about Cannibalism:
1. Sweet Caroline
2. Cracklin’ Rosie
3. You Don’t Bring Me Flowers Anymore
4. He Ain’t Heavy… He’s Was My Brother
Places that I have not gone shirtless since I was 22:
2. Inside a church
3. Pets Smart
4. Strings N’ Things
*I went with my wife once to a “Strings N’ Things” store and I noticed a sign on the door that said, “No shoes, no shirt, no service.” The no shoes thing I understand, but what if I had been an NBA basketball player, assigned to go to Strings N’ Things after practice and pick out some new material for our new uniforms. I am sure that would be a big order of the finest materials. I don’t think Strings N’ Things fully thought through their policy.
Tattoos I want:
1. A unicorn stabbing a dragon in the heart on my left buttocks.
2. A watch where my watch would be, in case I forget to wear my watch.
3. A picture of Philisha Rashad on my belly (My curly chest hair would be her hair.)
4. A chrysalis on my lower back.
*If I were a woman, I would get a tattoo of a chrysalis on my lower back, instead of a butterfly. When people would ask me why I chose a chrysalis, I would say, “Well, it will turn into a butterfly as soon as I get my boob job done.”
Names of people I have talked to in India recently:
*I spoke to a guy named “Maneesh” recently and it freaked me out because he didn’t have a clearly made up, American sounding name. Turns out, he was just mispronouncing the name “Manny”.
Things I use, but not properly:
2. Q tips
3. My Fran Drescher, “The Nanny” laughing wind-up toy.
4. The settings on my camera.
The two types of people that said, “Whatchu talkin’ bout Willis?!”
1. Gary Coleman
2. People that try and say it and sound like idiots.