Monday, June 7, 2010

A Conversation I had with Paula Abdul

Cheeseboy is on hiatus until June 10.  In the meantime, enjoy this "best of" post from July 21, 2009.

What is this I hear? Paula Abdul - you are not returning to American Idol? You've been reduced to blowing kissing in the wind.

I'm a morose wreck.

Paula, really, I save my loudest laughs and groans for you. Week in and week out, you would never disappoint. Your moronic and sometimes asinine statements were both bold and unabashedly idiotic. And to think, some people thought you were saying those things on accident! Deep down, I know you couldn't really be that stupid, could you?

Your logic would often confound even I, your biggest supporter. Hey Baby - you've gotta remember, I'm forever your girl... or boy in this case.

I'm hoping you still have enough painkillers to get you through this tough time.

I saw that that Seacrest mini-brute just got 45 mil to stay on that grotty piece of garbage show. Seacrest doesn't bring a damned thing to the table! He's not even a judge. He's a cold hearted snake, albeit, a very tiny one.

What the producers don't realize, is the show is nothing without you. Straight up now tell me - you are the best thing they've got going. You were a Laker girl!!! You were a Laker girl...

It's not like Kara is suddenly going to have all your silky neck scarves in her closet, that little hussy. Has she even have a single hit single? Did she ever dance in a video with a cartoon cat? No. Kara's got nothing. NOTHING!

Paula, you know I love you. We've come together, cause opposites attract, ya know?!

You know what time it is - It's the promise of a new day. So rush, rush out there and find a new gig. Perhaps the 4th hour of the Today show needs a third co-host? Imagine the sparks that would fly between you, Hoda Huda and Kathy Lee. I know they would pay you what you are worth. (But I am not sure what that number is yet)

You were a Laker girl...

22 comments:

Tree said...

Awww....I miss Paula! LOL And I LOVE Ryan Seacrest. Kara can bite me though....can't stand the extremely annoying woman!!

Kristina P. said...

I miss Paula's Reality TV show on Bravo. It was awesome.

Lady Hill said...

The show is so not the same without Paula. I don't think there's a chance of it lasting more than an another season at this point.

MiMi said...

With her gone and now Simon, I'm guessing it's on it's way out.
Did you see her come back for the Idol Finale?? She sounds drunk, I swear.
And, yes, that Blowing kisses in the wind is like my favorite song...is that part of Rush? No? Okay, Rush is my favorite. Yeah. I have a favorite PA song. Sue me.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I'm sure you're still missing your Paula!

Writing Without Periods! said...

I love Paula...she's so...lovable.
Mary

Marlene said...

Heeheehee!!!!

Of course, I was just so impressed that you know how to spell "asinine" that I found it difficult getting through the rest of the post.

Hutch said...

Wow, you really managed to pull in all her hits...well done!

The Teacher's Pets said...

How funny that you threw in her lyrics in this post in just the right places! I did like seeing Paula Abdul on American Idol too and I'm worried that the show will not get good ratings now w/o her or Simon. I am w/Tree and the others that Kara is annoying and I don't understand why she is the music expert all of a sudden...do you?

Teachinfourth said...

Paula and I used to have big plans for the future…unfortunately, she was never privy to those though.

Beth said...

I loved this whole post, as usual Abe, but this line "I'm hoping you still have enough painkillers to get you through this tough time." resulted in Sprite Zero all over my desk! Thanks a lot! :)

Mighty M said...

I heard she was on that show.....my finger always hit FF on the DVR whenever that lady's mouth opened!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

I miss Paula and I don't even watch AI! I just miss all the news stories about her!

Mr. Stupid said...

I wasn't watching AI anyway. With Paula out, I am never watching it. EVER!
I don't think it will last any longer with Simon around.

Sadako said...

I never watched AI, but I do have a soft spot for Paula. Any lady who can bop with an animated cat is okay with me. Plus she's so awesomely crazy.

ScoMan said...

I don't remember ever hearing Paula Abdul say anything, and that might be why I found this post so confusing.

blueviolet said...

Isn't she going on that dance show as a judge?

openid said...

Creative tie-in with Paula's song titles, where ever did you get such a fab idea? I sort of like American Idol. Since I have a 13 year old and all...but I do think Seacrest is a PipSqueek. How is the end of your shcool year coming along? More school stories please.

reasonably chubby said...

Hahaha! This was so funny! I feel the same way about 'lil Paula. Her was cwazy in a messed up kind of way. And I miss her.

Unknown Mami said...

Oh you should have printed this in conjunction with the pie chart. That pie chart really makes a strong point.

GrammyMouseTails said...

*sniff* I haven't been able to bear to watch Idol at all this year...
wait! I don't watch Idol??? Oh well, thanks for making me get all teary eyed for nothing & you dare take a hiatus besides! sighhhh
Faythe @GrammyMousetails

Powdered Toast Man said...

I have never watch American Idol but I miss Paula Abdul too.