Wednesday, June 23, 2010

The Tears of a Sasquatch

I wrote this today while sitting, completely bored in a teacher's class.  It took me about 20 minutes to write.  I thought about saving it for a children's book, but I thought I would try it on the Blog O' Cheese first - to get the pulse of the masses.

Tears of a Sasquatch

What’s even more rare than a Bigfoot print
is finding a Bigfoot's bellybutton lint

Even more rare than the bellybutton lint
is finding a used Bigfoot breath mint

BUT the rarest find of all, I hear
is finding a trickling Bigfoot tear

For a Bigfoot’s life is long and bitter
They’re not on Facebook and they don’t have Twitter

Most of their days are spent wandering alone
They can only get one bar on their Bigfoot cell phones

Bigfoots are dubious and always just missed
The folks that DO see them need good Psychologists

The loneliness and solitude seep in like the fog
They’ll often just sit and weep on a log

They cry and they cry about their droll, forlorn life
They cry over Oprah, global warming, no wife

They cry about fur balls and nasty ticks that are mean
They cry about how their butt looks big in these jeans

They cry about the photos that are clearly all fibs
They cry and they wail over the death of McRibbs

Their tears, they fall freely and splash on the wood
and freeze into place like bird poop on hoods

They hunch over and howl, a miraculous scene
The tears then harden and turn a soft green

So when your Bigfoot search turns up in a loss
Just look at the logs and look at the moss

It’s spread through the woods, a green carpet of light
Bigfoot’s symbol of sadness, his gloom and his plight

But no worries, all hope is not lost in the end
Just follow the moss and make Bigfoot your friend

He’ll invite you over for cooked squirrel and some tea
You’ll love watching Oprah on his woolly, big knee

You’ll swing in his hammock, his droppings you’ll rake
That will finally be proof that Bigfoot ISN’T A FAKE!

57 comments:

Hope Chella said...

I enjoy the reference to belly lint. It makes me think of my honey...and it's amazing what thoughts can occur during boring meetings. I usually doodle :)

M-Cat said...

20 minutes to create this masterpiece? Well done, cheeseboy, well done indeed.

I am afraid to ask, since it started with belly lint, what prompted this train of thought...

Marnie said...

The many different sides of Sasquatch :0) Sometimes the best stories are the ones that were written on the fly. Nice!

Glamazon said...

Aw, didn't you know that 'The Tears of a Sasquatch' is the title of my autobiography? I'm glad someone finally understands us-it's hard to be so large in such a small world.

Katie's Dailies said...

Bigfoot meets Dr. Suess, methinks.

The Church Lady said...

I sense a Sasquatch rhyming book series in the making!! Great job!

Pedaling said...

I always knew he was real!

Kristina P. said...

Bigfoot thanks you.

MiMi said...

Yep, this would make a great children's book!
The only thing is...well...I live next door to Sasquatch, and he has on-line porn. For reals.

Salt said...

My husband will not shut up about McRibs. I hope they come back to McDonald's soon. Both for his sake and for Bigfoot's.

tammy said...

Are you sure they're not on Facebook? I could've sworn I saw one on there. Maybe that was my old boyfriend's wife.

lori said...

20 minutes?? Jeez, it takes me 4 hours to write a dang blog post. Well done! Makes me want to go find him and bring him some muffins.

Gigi said...

I agree it's definitely Seussian. and very funny! You are so meant to be a 1st grade teacher!

The class you were attending must have been a real winner :)

T said...

Jack Prelutsky has got NOTHING on you cheese boy!

Cherie said...

I've always felt sorry for Sasquatch myself.
There should be a holiday for him like the leprechauns or the elf.
Instead he is legend,
his name may bring a laugh.
But Cheeseboy remembers with his words,
while not listening to the staff.

I love your rhyme and I have always loved the stories and legends of Big Foot!!

Great job :D

lisleman said...

They cry about how their butt looks big in these jeans
and the Oprah stuff - I think you are writing about a female bigfoot.

This is very good and would make a good children's book.

Amy said...

I've yet to read a picture book about a Sasquatch to any of my kindergarten students. I think you are on to something.

Well done!

RawknRobynsGoneBlogWild said...

Bigfoot's into Oprah? This I did not know. I knew about the belly lint and all, but not the Oprah connection.
Very funny post, as always.
xoRobyn

Marlene said...

They cry about how their butt looks big in their jeans?!!! HEY!!!! So do I!!!

Kelley said...

Oh my goodness gracious. This TOTALLY cracked me up! I was burying my face in my hands when I read the part about sitting on his hairy knee watching Oprah. I am so glad I found this blog! Writing like this is why I put one foot in front of the other each day. Okay, I'm taking it a bit far. What I meant to say is that writing like this is why I back off from the edge of a tall building. No, no...that was still too far. Let's just say- I like it!

KyAnn (like Cayenne Pepper, only HOTTER) said...

I wouldn't read the book, but I would definately go to the movie. A drama about Bigfoot tears... It's got Sundance written all over it!

Jillybean said...

Are you sure that Bigfoot isn't on Facebook? I'm quite positive that I just accepted his friend request.

If Bigfoot was ever a guest on Oprah, do you think he would jump on her couch?

20 minutes? I bow to your greatness.

(however, I did once write a lovely poem while sitting in church.........
http://andimeanit.blogspot.com/2008/03/sunday-poem.html

Kelley said...

I seriously doubt you participate in blog awards. I am so serious that I am betting on it with a cigar in my mouth and a pile of poker chips in my hands. Still, I gave you one on my blog because your blog cracks me up. It deserves even more traffic! We need to see that McDonald's YouTube video right NAH-YOW!

Sco said...

Clever! Bigfoot on Facebook could be a whole new post. You spend your time in meetings more productively than I. I spent about 15 minutes playing Battleship on my phone this morning while in a meeting that went too long.

Nikki said...

I love it. And I'll buy it when you get it published. Let me know.

blueviolet said...

You're so stinkin' clever, and so is Bigfoot if he can invite guests over and get them to rake up his poopy bits!

Powdered Toast Man said...

Bigfoot isn't on facebook? What about Myspace? Everybody has a myspace account.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

He has TV but no internet access? I'll bring him my laptop.

Adoption of Jane said...

Thats great!! I love it!! Copyright it!

Mighty M said...

Who knew Bigfoot was so cool?? This has the potential to make a really great children's book! :)

Shelly Belly's Boutique said...

poor sasquatch...

the other side of the bed is always cold and eating possums every night is getting old

Saimi said...

Yep! Send it to the publisher, I'll be standing in line for a copy but you'll have to autograph it first!

Very clever!!

jayayceeblog said...

Definitely a great children's book. Do you illustrate as well?

Karen said...

Well done cheese dude.

Emmy said...

Very very impressed and glad the meeting was so entertaining so you could create this little gem

Unknown Mami said...

I think you should totally use it for a children's book. Depending on your target age you might want to add some verse in the beginning that explains who Bigfoot is, for the little ones that don't know. It is fun. I would read it to my kid.

I've missed you! I've been busy switching my blog to Wordpress, so I am just now getting around to catching up on my reading. Off to read some more.

Joann Mannix said...

Kids would LOVE it. And then they would have nightmares. But, still they would love it.

Maybe you could do a whole series of scary creatures for kids, including alligators waiting on the bottom of the lake at camp to eat the campers, aliens hovering in corn fields waiting to snatch up humans, the Loch Ness monster and then throw in a serial killer book for good measure. It's sure to be a hit. No one's ever done anything like that before.

The Invisible Seductress said...

Genius!!! Love me some Sasquatch huntin'.... :}

One Cluttered Brain said...

These are my favorite lines"


Even more rare than the bellybutton lint
is finding a used Bigfoot breath mint

BUT the rarest find of all, I hear
is finding a trickling Bigfoot tear

For a Bigfoot’s life is long and bitter
They’re not on Facebook and they don’t have Twitter
Ahh life without Twitter a sad day indeed. a moment of silence please...:)

Loved this poem!

Hutch said...

I hope to read this to my future children someday!

Beth Zimmerman said...

You've got the text down. I want to see some illustrations!

Sam Liu said...

I didn't know you were a poet, Cheeseboy! This is a brilliant and entertaining read, the rhythm and humour is excellent :D

DeNae said...

Not bad, CB! Very clever, in fact.

(Before you turn it into a children's book, you might want to read it aloud; there are some teensy meter issues. Don't hate me.)

FabuLeslie said...

They aren't on facebook and don't use Twitter. Love it! Straight to print. Submit it to publishers asap. No question.

Vanessa said...

I have proof that he is real:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyxJFXIzAEY&feature=player_embedded

W.C.Camp said...

Wow - that is pretty good. I can't write a check in twenty minutes much less meaninful prose. No matter what make a shutterfly book out of it and give it to your boy for his birthday! W.C.C.

Dolly said...

Your just like Dr.Seuss-full of imagination! My sons often wonder about Big Foot:)

daylily777 said...

Very funny ! We just had a sighting in our NC mountains, I'd say that fellow really gets around .lol
Blessings,
~Myrna

Mr. Stupid said...

You took just 20 minutes to write that? Wow! This will make a great Children's Book.
Awesome post, Cheeseboy.

reasonably chubby said...

Great job! So now I love me some cheese grits AND some Sasquatch...:) I do want to get the bellylint image out of my mind.

Melinda said...

My father in law was talking about the sasquatch the other day, except he called it a sasquitch. We all made fun of him.

Lori said...

I'm not sure which holiday program you could work this into, but I think it would be a great "rap" piece for your class next year! Just picture it...you dressed up as Bigfoot. Perfect!

Pat said...

You had me at belly lint.

Dallen said...

Not bad my friend! Not bad at all!!!

Knox said...

I saw this referred to as a by another commenter. It is. I think I almost cried. Also, I will read my kid ANYTHING as long as it rhymes. I vote for publication

elesa said...

I have to rake up his droppings? What kind of host makes you do that???

Marla said...

You, my friend, are crazy. I like it!