Editor's note: I promised my dad, Clark, that I would not blog about poop anymore. Well dad, I've done well. However, tonight I just couldn't help myself. Because of your brilliant idea, I dedicate this post to you.
One other Editor's note - the picture on the left of the colostomy bag is evidently a colostomy bag used by those in the "Dharma Initiative".
My dad is a genius. Tonight after dinner, our conversation drifted into worlds unknown and he informed my brother and I that he was thinking of creating a biodegradable colostomy bag. Not your ordinary biodegradable colostomy bag, but a biodegradable colostomy bag that would disintegrate when dropped into the toilet. That way, those unfortunate enough to have colostomy bags would no longer have to empty the contents of said colostomy bag into the toilet; rather, they would just unzip, drop and plop. No more mess, no more disgusting cleanup - it is a breakthrough product equivalent to the disposable diaper. Now you know that these are the kind of conversations we have in my family.
This conversation reminded me of the days my mother would bend over and rinse out cloth diapers in the toilet - toilet diapers! The other day Calder threw a magazine in the toilet while proclaiming "This goes in here!" I almost threw up just reaching in and fishing the mushy paper out. And to think, my mom used to purposefully stick her hand in the toilet, many times a day in fact - on purpose! If that does not spell h-e-r-o, I am not sure what does.
I am now reminded of a conversation that Lincoln and I had just the other day after Calder threw the magazine in the toilet. It went something like this: (I kid you not, this conversation really did happen - exactly like this.)
Abe: Calder! Magazines don't go in the toilet. The only thing that goes in the toilet is toilet paper! That's it!
Lincoln: But what about poop and pee dad?
Abe: Okay Calder, poop, pee and toilet paper. That is all that goes in the toilet.
Lincoln: There was something weird mom left in there the other day dad.
Abe: Okay - mom is different. She can put what she wants in the toilet. But for you boys, the only thing that goes into the toilet is poop, pee and toilet paper.
Lincoln: What about a dead goldfish?
Abe: Ah crap! Okay okay, the only thing that goes in the toilet is poop, pee, toilet paper and dead goldfish. But that is all.
And now, when Grandpa gets his new invention patented, I'm going to have to tell Calder, "Okay Calder, the only things that go in the toilet are: poop, pee, toilet paper, dead goldfish and Grandpa's biodegradable, disintegrating colostomy bags." You try and explain that to a three year old. Thanks dad.
**By the way, I honestly think that Lincoln spent the rest of the night thinking of things that are "appropriate" to go in the toilet. I say that because like 45 minutes after the initial conversation about things that go into the toilet, he sat next to me and out of nowhere said, "What about throw up dad?"