Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Why women find gaudy, flamboyant teenaged vampires attractive.

Why are women so intrigued with effeminate, pale skinned, scrawny-butted vampires?

I know I have written about Twilight before (you may read that post here), but I felt this continuing vampire phenomenon needed a follow up post.

I thought Twilight signified the end of this inane, maudlin fetish women have. I thought wrong. Apparently, there are even more sappy vampire chronicles out there that the lady-folk are inhaling it like it is potpourri scented marijuana wrapped in Bonbons that they purchased at their BFF's Lia Sofia party.

When I was a kid, vampires were ludicrously cool. They lived in tall towers and preyed on the weak. They wore long cloaks and slept in a coffin. Back then, being a vampire for Halloween was killer-cool. You dress like a vampire today and you are just begging to be pounded in the torso after school. Today vampires are the weak, or at least they are albinos, which is just another way of saying they are weak.

Somewhere in the year 2003, vampire-ism merged with emo-ism which had previously merged with a combination of goth-ism and grunge-ism. It is now 2009 and after all these subcultures have merged, pop culture has left us with this: the sissy-faced, pussyfooted eighteen year old vampire man-boy that women love.

Why do women love these freakishly white faced, juvenile, fanged lady-men? Clearly, these pubescent vampire boys must be doing something right to garner all this pent up sexual energy from females aged 12 - 65. I have several theories why women are going gaga over Edward...

1. Apparently, boy vampires have begun to keep diaries. DIARIES! They don't even bother calling them journals. What kind of vampire keeps a diary anyway? Is it a Hello Kitty diary or a My Little Pony? Does it come with a plastic key with a ribbon tied to it?

Women love men that pretend to keep diaries. What's next... "The Vampire Blogs"?! Do they make cute vampire backgrounds on that "Cutest Blog on the Block" site?

2. Male vampires secretly have shiny skin which 50% of women secretly wish their spouse had. This is a strange phenomenon since women are generally not attracted to rainbow trout.

3. Today's version of the male vampire can be thoughtful and considerate, which completely spits in the face of the legend and history of the vampire.

4. Sexy vampire man-boys are always accompanied by swoopy, saucy, cheese music that conjures up memories of their lost highschool crushes.

5. Unlike most guys, vampires guys are interested settling down and starting a family. Well, either that or killing you. Vampires aren't into playing games and they will never ignore you to answer their cell phone.

Fortunately, my wife has no shrouded desire for me to become a vampire. I am not sure if she has a jaded dating past with vampires, but luckily, fangs and pale faces are not attractive to her.


Tammy said...

Abe. Brace yourself. They DO have vampire blog backgrounds. Along with vampire blog "buttons" so you can say who you love.

When I think of vampires my first thought is "The Lost Boys" from 1987 with the two Coreys (Corey Haim being the one I thought was cute) but it also had Kiefer Sutherland who I loved. Not these wimpy boys who are trying so hard now.

lindsey v said...

Wow. It must be the hair. He has some amazing hair.

Have you seen the soundtrack to the latest movie? I was quite shocked to see some of the performers who are on it. I'm very curious to find out if they wrote songs for the movie or if the movie is just using already made songs.

Cheeseboy said...

Oh my Lindsey... you shouldn't have said anything. Thom Yorke, Muse, Death Cab, Editors... some of my favorites totally selling out for a crappy vampire movie?! So disappointed.

lindsey v said...

I know, I could not believe it. I have a young cousin who is obsessed with the movies and talks about it all the time and she listed the new soundtrack and she was like, I've never heard of any of these singers but I'm getting the album anyway. (She's a country girl.) I was like, you aren't even going to appreciate these artists!

Just crazy. I don't get it.

Mackenzie said...

They're Totally HOT!!!

Sco said...

I just gotta give props to my wife. She warned me up one side of the wall and down the other about this movie. She also told me I didn't need to read the book.

And yeah, why is it OK for wives to obsess about Twilight wussy-thingy when it's not OK for men to comment on hot actresses? Insanity. Can you say double-standard? And by the way, why did the vampire (what's his name?) have any interest in Bella?

Take the TV shows Chuck or Pushing Daisies, for instance. Have you seen those girls? Ouch. Can I say anything about it? My wife will turn to me and accuse with "You think she's hot, don't you?" Was a more dangerous question ever voiced?