Why are women so intrigued with effeminate, pale skinned, scrawny-butted vampires?
I know I have written about Twilight before (you may read that post here), but I felt this continuing vampire phenomenon needed a follow up post.
I thought Twilight signified the end of this inane, maudlin fetish women have. I thought wrong. Apparently, there are even more sappy vampire chronicles out there that the lady-folk are inhaling it like it is potpourri scented marijuana wrapped in Bonbons that they purchased at their BFF's Lia Sofia party.
When I was a kid, vampires were ludicrously cool. They lived in tall towers and preyed on the weak. They wore long cloaks and slept in a coffin. Back then, being a vampire for Halloween was killer-cool. You dress like a vampire today and you are just begging to be pounded in the torso after school. Today vampires are the weak, or at least they are albinos, which is just another way of saying they are weak.
Somewhere in the year 2003, vampire-ism merged with emo-ism which had previously merged with a combination of goth-ism and grunge-ism. It is now 2009 and after all these subcultures have merged, pop culture has left us with this: the sissy-faced, pussyfooted eighteen year old vampire man-boy that women love.
Why do women love these freakishly white faced, juvenile, fanged lady-men? Clearly, these pubescent vampire boys must be doing something right to garner all this pent up sexual energy from females aged 12 - 65. I have several theories why women are going gaga over Edward...
1. Apparently, boy vampires have begun to keep diaries. DIARIES! They don't even bother calling them journals. What kind of vampire keeps a diary anyway? Is it a Hello Kitty diary or a My Little Pony? Does it come with a plastic key with a ribbon tied to it?
Women love men that pretend to keep diaries. What's next... "The Vampire Blogs"?! Do they make cute vampire backgrounds on that "Cutest Blog on the Block" site?
2. Male vampires secretly have shiny skin which 50% of women secretly wish their spouse had. This is a strange phenomenon since women are generally not attracted to rainbow trout.
3. Today's version of the male vampire can be thoughtful and considerate, which completely spits in the face of the legend and history of the vampire.
4. Sexy vampire man-boys are always accompanied by swoopy, saucy, cheese music that conjures up memories of their lost highschool crushes.
5. Unlike most guys, vampires guys are interested settling down and starting a family. Well, either that or killing you. Vampires aren't into playing games and they will never ignore you to answer their cell phone.
Fortunately, my wife has no shrouded desire for me to become a vampire. I am not sure if she has a jaded dating past with vampires, but luckily, fangs and pale faces are not attractive to her.