While rousing through the neighborhood rags today, I noticed that this will be the first year that we the people will be able to VOTE for the STADIUM of FIRE entertainers!
Never have I taken a vote so seriously.
The Stadium of Fire is a Utah original; an opportunity for a bunch of Utah County Patriots (mostly Glenn Beck's clan of zombies... That's not to say that the ENTIRE audience is Beck's crew - I am simply saying he is the host and he is in Provo... you do the math) to get together and celebrate our country by slam dancing to the the Jonas Brothers, or a pre-pubescent Hannah Montana.
God Bless America!
Let's take a look at some of the past "performers" that have laid it down hardcore in Provo, Utah on the Fourth of July. Their star power will amaze you:
THE Lou Diamond Philips (2005)
THE ONE AND ONLY David Hasselhoff (1985)
The Osmonds (8 times)
Mr. T! (1886)
The sweet, smooth caramel sounds of Thurl Bailey (1987)
Williard Scott (1989)
Kenny Loggins (1993)
Huey Lewis and the News (1998)
Taylor Hicks (2006)
Wayne Newton (1990)
Of course, prior to Glenn Beck leading the charge, Provo was pleased to welcome his BFF and former husband, Sean Hannity as host.
In the past few years, there have been some very memorable moments:
A couple years ago, BYU invited the lovely, innocent, family-centered Miley Cirus to perform. One week after the show, Miley can be seen in provocative photographs in a magazine with her dad! Ewww.
The same year, the bozos at S.O.F. had a very special moment in which they invited a soldier in Iraq talk live - via jumbo tron. At the conclusion of the lovely family reunion, the soldier unravels a Utah flag and yells, "GO UTES!". He is the first active US soldier ever to be boo'd in Provo. He also became a lifelong hero of mine and rightfully received a Utah game ball a year later.
Let us not forget this year's debacle: the flag burning ceremony. Apparently, the Stadium of Fire pretended to hold a real flag burning ceremony that was so touching, so moving, so awe-inspiring, it brought many in the audience to tears. The problem was that the entire thing was a fraud; there was no fire, no burning, no flag. The sham was nothing more than smoke and mirrors. I would have felt so jipped.
So now we are being given the opportunity - no the responsibility - to select our next Stadium of Fire headliner. Granted, there are some prerequisites for those that wish to apply: 1. You must be viewed as Ultra-Patriotic, or a country music star, or both. 2. You must in no way be affiliated with the Democratic Party. 3. You must agree to release your provocative photo shoot after the show and then promise to claim it was all an accident.
I am not sure what our current voting options are; I don't think they have been released yet. However, I have had a bountiful harvest of ideas that I have forwarded to the S.O.F. organizers for their consideration. I have never been to a Stadium of Fire, but if any of these ideas get the go-ahead, I may just purchase a ticket:
- An all-Utah minivan Demolition Derby.
- Simon Cowell and Simon Lythgoe judge a "Who's Whiter?" contest between Orem and American Fork.
- Madonna (with the Osmonds as backup singers)
- Neil Diamond sings Primary songs (Including Pioneer Children Sang as they Walked... and Walked... and Walked...)
- ZZ Top shave their beards to meet the rigorous Honor Code standards in order to perform. Their first number is "She's got Capri Covered Legs".
- 20 minutes of Ryan Seacrest trying to high five a blind guy.
- Ellen Degeneres leads an MTC Choir in a rendition of "So I'm Proud to be an American!"
- Bill Clinton plays the National Anthem on his Saxophone.
- The entire cast of "The View" give a demonstration on how to properly dry-pack-can beets.
- You could never go wrong with inviting Mr. T back for a reunion tour.