Monday, September 28, 2009

Cheeseboy's Rules for Healthy Living (How to live to 114)

About a week ago I saw in the Yahoo news feed that a man had lived to be 113 years old. "Not bad" I thought as I gracefully wiped the mayonnaise from the corner of my mouth. "But I will do you one better. I am on my way to 114!" (114 is one better than 113 in the base 10 model of counting)

I had to see a picture of this guy (hopefully a picture of him alive) so I clicked on the link and read the story. Of course, this wrinkled old guy had provided a short list of secrets of a long life. I was slightly disappointed to hear his "secrets": eat a lot of fruit and wake up early.

Eat fruit and wake up early? Why I eat two pieces of fruit a week easy. And sometimes I get up as early as 7:15 in the morning. Those aren't secrets - they are common sensible items that most morons do in their sleep. (I know a lot of morons that eat fruit in their sleep. Well, not a lot, but at least two)

I may be only 33 years old, however, like I said, I fully plan on living to 114. I know that 114 is not going to come easy, but I do have a set of secrets of my own. (They do not include eating fruit and waking up early. Those lame secrets will only get you to a pathetic 113) I will only be giving you eight of my secrets. The rest will cost you $29.99 that you make in three easy payments.

Cheeseboy's Rules for Healthy Living

1. Take a run every night of at least 4 miles. Ensure rehydration by drinking 32 ounces of Diet Mt. Dew. (It replenishes the soul as well as the joints)

2. Eat at least once a week at a Greek fast food joint such as Apollo or Crown Burger. This is God's health food and will keep the pounds off. (Most people don't know this but God is Greek. How else are those burgers so darned tasty?)

3. Always park as close to the door as possible. Why waste away your muscles when you don't have to?

4. Maintain a body mass that is consistently 10 pounds over weight. This will always give you motivation to work it off. If you maintain a healthy weight you lose your motivation to maintain a healthy weight. Makes perfect sense.

5. Never smoke. However, occasionally inhaling the second hand smoke from the expensive, sweet smelling cigars from the next door neighbor is fine.

6. In order to keep a youthful complexion, never shave on vacations longer than two days. This exfoliates and lifts germs through the hair pores and refreshes your skin. At least that is what I tell myself.

7. To stay young, always shop in the youth section of Mervyns. I've tried shopping in the adult section and the clothes are so old mannish.

8. Always eat dinner before 4:30 PM. I recently visited my Grandma in her old folks home and she invited us to dinner. There wasn't a single person left in the cafeteria after 4:30. These people are OLD. They must be doing something right, and that thing right is eating dinner about an hour after I eat lunch.


Sco said...

How about JCPenney's as a stand in for Mervyns? Savers? You tease us with one of our fav's that was plucked from our lives like an unsightly ear hair.

God is most definitely Greek. Combining the most sensual of the cured meats (pastrami) with a slab of ground beef is inspiration. Who knew that one animal could deliver such bliss? (And if we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why do they taste so good?)

And 4 miles a day? Not bad, marathon man.

Denise Vandenberg said...

I need to remember to not be drinking my Dr Pepper when reading your blog, it just about came out of my nose!

Cheeseboy said...

Denise - that is the best compliment I have ever gotten.

Scott - Well I have always believed in Zeus so of course God is Greek. I bet Zeus makes the best Pastrami burgers!

Tammy said...

I love #8. Hilarious!