Friday, September 18, 2009

The most recent Cease to Exist Order

I hereby issue a Cease to Exist Order for the following items:

1. Super Dell - Will this man just pack up and take his shtick somewhere else? Clearly, he is not right in the head and he is desperately seeking attention. Something tells me that the story of Super Dell's life is going to end very, very badly. And while I'm on this topic - what is with the media's insistence on covering this man like he is Brittney's Spears third husband? Perhaps if they were to just ignore him, he might go away.

2. Tomatoes - I love tomatoes. I love them enough to eat roughly 2 a day. However, I am not positive on the exact numbers, but I believe that roughly 85% of Utahns grow tomatoes in the summertime. We are included in the 85%. Once the town crier has spread word of you liking tomatoes, you must endure a never ending, torturous barrage of tomato offers. "Do you want to take home some of these tomatoes?" "I brought a wheelbarrow full of tomatoes to work... YOU HAVE TO TAKE SOME TOMATOES HOME. YOU... JUST... HAVE... TO!"

Sometimes I actually do take tomatoes home, only to have them rot on my countertop with the thousands of tomatoes from my back yard. But, since I made it known that I like tomatoes - I JUST HAD TO!

I can eat about two tomatoes a day and it doesn't matter who's backyard they are from. My tomato eating to day ration is approximately 2:1. This ratio is fixed.

3. The MTN, Versus, Comcast, Direct TV, Dish, but mostly the Mountain West Conference - Will someone please just put my team back on ESPN/KJZZ?! And don't tell me to call each other to resolve your disputes. That's not my job, nor do I have time for it. "Call Dish and DEMAND the Mountain!" Uh... no.

4. Motorhomes over the age of 10 years of age. Anyone wanting to own one of these monstrosities should be required to trade it in for a new one every ten years. Any motorhome over 10 years of age should be promptly destroyed using firebombs and/or ripped to shreds by Wolverine (See: new Origins movie) Note to folks in my neighborhood: This especially applies to you!

5. School - It turns out that I have to become "Gifted & Talented" certified. This means a year and half more of classes. When I am done, if you add up all my graduate credit hours, I may have enough for three Master's degrees, yet I will still not have my first. Perhaps I should look at it as an opportunity to learn, but simply put, I am tired of taking classes. I believe Cathi is tired of me taking classes as well. Perhaps this will be the end of it.


Tammy said...

I wish I liked tomatoes. They are supposed to be very good for your health :)

Do you really have to become "gifted and certified"? I assume the classes you'd have to take would be on your own time rather than school time? Do you get a huge raise when you're done?

Traci said...

Abe- this is not related to your blog, but I wondering how a hypochondriac like you can handle being in a public school, because Paige just brought home a note the other day saying someone in her class has lice and we are FREAKING out. Spencer and I have been secretly checking her head several times a day, everyday. I also have washed her sheets in the hottest water my washing machine can make. It's making us crazy. Sorry to be off-topic, but just wondering.

Matilda said...

i like tomatoes.... hint hint

Cheeseboy said...

Traci - HA HA! I am not quite sure how I can do it. I think that I am not a germ-a-phobe at all really. Also, illnesses that I know we get from a contagious bug (or in the case of lice, bugs) do not scare me at all. It's the diseases that COULD be caused by something worse (cancer, MS, etc.) that really scare me and keep me up at nights.

Lincoln brought home a note saying there was lice at his school too and until he starts itching, I won't give it a second thought.

Cheeseboy said...

Tammy - Yeah, I have to become Gifted and Talented endorsed. Yes, the classes are on Monday nights for 3 hours for a year and a half. No, the raise I will get will end up being about $50.00 a month for doing it.

Matilda - I will have to walk some tomatoes up to you. We have a ton.