Thursday, September 24, 2009
My swine flu vaccination is lost in the mail.
I've got two weeks to survive. Well, two weeks plus the customary two week incubation period for the virus to take hold within my system, lodge in my heart and then kill me in cold blood.
I am a little scared of getting the swine flu.
Fortunately, we are pretty well connected when it comes to the immunization industry. Let's just say we know a guy who knows a guy who knows a girl. Fortunately, we also know that girl, so we don't have to go through the guy and then the other guy. They are just guys she knows too.
For whatever reason, our girl with the goods can't get the goods until the beginning of October. This is a very frustrating problem for a hypochondriac. Apparently there is some sort of missing link in the supply chain, probably with Larry who tends to hoard vaccines and use them on his pet monkeys.
Larry, if I die because your monkeys got immunized before I do, I will personally visit you and your monkeys at your house and they will be traveling with me to monkey heaven.
I don't want to go to monkey heaven, but I will if it means killing your monkeys because they stole my swine flu vaccination.
I don't make idle threats! When I make my threats, I am usually doing something very active, like dancing or yelling at people poking me with swords. For instance: right now, I am making this threat while typing angrily on my computer. That is not an idle threat.
In the mean time, I will wait for my immunization patiently; hoping that I do not contract a deadly virus. If you happen to have swine flu, will you please stop trying to kiss me? (That goes for you too, Megan Fox)