Thursday, September 24, 2009

My swine flu vaccination is lost in the mail.

I've got two weeks to survive. Well, two weeks plus the customary two week incubation period for the virus to take hold within my system, lodge in my heart and then kill me in cold blood.

I am a little scared of getting the swine flu.

Fortunately, we are pretty well connected when it comes to the immunization industry. Let's just say we know a guy who knows a guy who knows a girl. Fortunately, we also know that girl, so we don't have to go through the guy and then the other guy. They are just guys she knows too.

For whatever reason, our girl with the goods can't get the goods until the beginning of October. This is a very frustrating problem for a hypochondriac. Apparently there is some sort of missing link in the supply chain, probably with Larry who tends to hoard vaccines and use them on his pet monkeys.

Larry, if I die because your monkeys got immunized before I do, I will personally visit you and your monkeys at your house and they will be traveling with me to monkey heaven.

I don't want to go to monkey heaven, but I will if it means killing your monkeys because they stole my swine flu vaccination.

I don't make idle threats! When I make my threats, I am usually doing something very active, like dancing or yelling at people poking me with swords. For instance: right now, I am making this threat while typing angrily on my computer. That is not an idle threat.

In the mean time, I will wait for my immunization patiently; hoping that I do not contract a deadly virus. If you happen to have swine flu, will you please stop trying to kiss me? (That goes for you too, Megan Fox)


Erica said...

So, this is a funny post, but too true. And since you are a hypochondriac I thought I would add some fuel to the fire (ha ha ha!).
My son was tested for the flu yesterday and it came back positive. The Dr. said that 98% of the cases right now are swine flu. So my 1 year old most likely has swine flu. Well, they prescribed tamiflu oral suspension. I called no less than 20 pharmacies and they were ALL out of it. So I called my Dr. who knows a guy that knows a girl that knows where all of the drugs in the Las Vegas Valley are. There was one bottle left at a pharmacy across town. My husband drove 45 minutes each way to get the last bottle.
Yes, it's scary out there. Perhaps you should get a prescription for tamiflu. More importantly you should get tamilflu oral suspension in case one of your kids get the flu, because that is what is in such high demand. I was told the supplier is out, it is on backorder everywhere.
I hope you can sleep tonight.
The good news is that my son's fever has broken and he is fine now, just a little runny nose.
Sorry for the long story.
Your blog is highly entertaining, keep it up!
Say hello to Cathy for me.
OK, I am done talking now.

Cheeseboy said...

Erica - that is really awful! That really, really sucks. Yes, you have scared me even more. Glad to hear your little guy is getting better.

Tammy said...

From one hypochondriac to another I'm surprised to hear you'd want the swine vaccine. I'm the opposite. You couldn't pay me to get it. It might be rumors, and only rumors, but I've heard the vaccine isn't good for you and they haven't done enough research on it to say it won't have worse consequences. So, I'm out.

Cheeseboy said...

Well Tammy, we'll see who gets sick, won't we.