Unlike most of my family members, I really hate the Utah State Fair. To be fair, the fair has some fairly fair qualities; most of them involve either a deep friar or the world's largest swine... or best case scenario - a combination of both!
To be honest, I haven't been for at least six years, and before that - the sixth grade.
Why am I so unfair to the fair, you ask? I was able to concoct a list of ten reasons why the fair is simply not for me.
1. If I wanted to be bothered by salespeople making seven dollars an hour, I would simply go to the mall and walk down the center of the concourse.
2. I hate being bothered to put my name in some random drawing that: a) I will never know if it actually takes place. And - b) Is simply a tool to get my information so they can send me spam email or get me into their overpriced gym.
3. If I wanted to see people that spend too much time at Walmart, I would just go to Walmart. (Or visit this website)
4. I don't care about the following things: Canning, vegetables, the newest line of hot tubs, what's new in $100,000 motor homes, samurai knives, dream catchers and baby goats.
5. The only ride I would ever want to go on is that giant slide. It is like $2.00 and I am always winded by the time I get to the top.
6. I am doubtful Peter Breinholt will give a better performance on the South Plaza Stage at 7:35 PM than I have seen the previous 65 times I have seen him perform (Most of them coincidentally).
7. While the fair is going on, I can get in some activities that are normally packed, like the racetrack, drive-in movie, shopping at the aforementioned Walmart, hitting the Nickelcade and spending time in Liberty Park drum circles.
8. The giant pumpkins never seem giant enough. I want to see a pumpkin I could carve out and use as shelter in a pinch.
9. I cannot tell one sheep from the next. I doubt the judges can either and the fact that they pretend they can makes me angry.
10. They never schedule Boyz II Men as a musical act. Wait... I am getting word that they actually did that this year.
New #10 - They never schedule Bel Biv Devoe as a musical act!
I do have one distinct memory from my youth at the fair. I was on a sixth grade field trip and during this time, my buddies and I were really into all things ninja. We had heard that some vendors at the fair were selling Chinese throwing stars, but we would have to have our parents permission to purchase one. Not to be denied, we looked for the shadiest dealer of crap at the fair.
Once located, we informed the neck tattooed freak of our desire. He took us behind his tent and pulled out a small packet of weed and some Chinese stars. He then told us that they were $25.00 each and that we wouldn't need our parent's permission as long as we kept it on the down low. I had been saving for this moment for quite some time and I left the tent with a new Chinese throwing star but no pot. (I think this was because Barbara Bush had told me to say no to drugs and at the time, I really respected her opinion)
Apparently, the sixth grade teachers thought that allowing the sixth graders freely roam around the fairgrounds without supervision.