Sunday, September 13, 2009

An aFAIR to remember.

Unlike most of my family members, I really hate the Utah State Fair. To be fair, the fair has some fairly fair qualities; most of them involve either a deep friar or the world's largest swine... or best case scenario - a combination of both!

To be honest, I haven't been for at least six years, and before that - the sixth grade.

Why am I so unfair to the fair, you ask? I was able to concoct a list of ten reasons why the fair is simply not for me.

1. If I wanted to be bothered by salespeople making seven dollars an hour, I would simply go to the mall and walk down the center of the concourse.

2. I hate being bothered to put my name in some random drawing that: a) I will never know if it actually takes place. And - b) Is simply a tool to get my information so they can send me spam email or get me into their overpriced gym.

3. If I wanted to see people that spend too much time at Walmart, I would just go to Walmart. (Or visit this website)

4. I don't care about the following things: Canning, vegetables, the newest line of hot tubs, what's new in $100,000 motor homes, samurai knives, dream catchers and baby goats.

5. The only ride I would ever want to go on is that giant slide. It is like $2.00 and I am always winded by the time I get to the top.

6. I am doubtful Peter Breinholt will give a better performance on the South Plaza Stage at 7:35 PM than I have seen the previous 65 times I have seen him perform (Most of them coincidentally).

7. While the fair is going on, I can get in some activities that are normally packed, like the racetrack, drive-in movie, shopping at the aforementioned Walmart, hitting the Nickelcade and spending time in Liberty Park drum circles.

8. The giant pumpkins never seem giant enough. I want to see a pumpkin I could carve out and use as shelter in a pinch.

9. I cannot tell one sheep from the next. I doubt the judges can either and the fact that they pretend they can makes me angry.

10. They never schedule Boyz II Men as a musical act. Wait... I am getting word that they actually did that this year.

New #10 - They never schedule Bel Biv Devoe as a musical act!

I do have one distinct memory from my youth at the fair. I was on a sixth grade field trip and during this time, my buddies and I were really into all things ninja. We had heard that some vendors at the fair were selling Chinese throwing stars, but we would have to have our parents permission to purchase one. Not to be denied, we looked for the shadiest dealer of crap at the fair.

Once located, we informed the neck tattooed freak of our desire. He took us behind his tent and pulled out a small packet of weed and some Chinese stars. He then told us that they were $25.00 each and that we wouldn't need our parent's permission as long as we kept it on the down low. I had been saving for this moment for quite some time and I left the tent with a new Chinese throwing star but no pot. (I think this was because Barbara Bush had told me to say no to drugs and at the time, I really respected her opinion)

Apparently, the sixth grade teachers thought that allowing the sixth graders freely roam around the fairgrounds without supervision.


brermomo said...

I had to go look up Chinese throwing stars on Wikipedia. Well, that's what I get for being a little old granny!

Clark said...

What is a deep friar? Is it a Catholic grave digger? I think you mean deep fryer. I only saw two Catholic grave diggers at the fair this time. Them and aligator wrestlers, the world's best hose nozzel, bottled potatoes (dried) and a knife that would cut through the head of a hammer and still slice tomatoes so thin that you could make one tomatoe last all summer. That knife also cut tomatoes to thin that the slice only had one side. Where but at the State Fair could you see all this?

Clark said...

Oh I left some other things off that we saw at the fair. We saw a man sheer a sheep. A big male and he took the wool off every inch, everywhere. We saw people holding roses and dipping it and their hand in wax to preserve it forever, unless they walk around in the heat too long. I saw hot tubs and fireplaces. I saw two cows ballet dancing (all made out of butter). I saw a machine that quilted a whole blanket and a chicken that laid an egg in font of our eyes then stepped on it and ate it. What did you do Saturday that had this kind of excitment?

Ike said...

The fair rules and Lincoln & Calder are missing out on memories!

I too on a field trip to the fair bought a Chinese throwing star. I remember the Chinese man who sold it to me saying "put in pocket! put in pocket!" so noone would see it. And no I am not making this up.

It was a different world back then. I can't believe they let us roam around the fair unsupervised. Unbelievable.

Tammy said...

I love the Utah State Fair! I remember going the day after I turned 18 and being thrilled to enter every single contest I could! I love looking at the hot tubs and motor homes.

And now I love the Walmart site you pointed out in your post. Hadn't seen or heard of it until now but I'm adding it to my blog list!

Tammy said...

And I assume "Clark" is your dad and if so and if he reads this I hope he knows I'm saying this out of love :)

I love how he pointed out that you spelled fryer as friar but in his comment he probably meant to say SHEAR a sheep, not sheer unless he was referring to a transparent or thin sheep? And I think he meant the chicken laid an egg in FRONT of his eyes because it would be awfully silly to be in a font.


Clark said...

If that man with the ginsu knife has sheared the sheep it would be sheer. You would be able to see right through that sucker.

Cheeseboy said...

Ha ha! Too funny dad.

Tammy said...

Good point!