Monday, September 14, 2009

Why I refuse to be a Jazz fan this year.

I have recently heard that the Utah Jazz have had a difficult time selling tickets for their upcoming season. Well, clearly in these tough times, a team has to do something more than simply offering a "friends package".

The Jazz folk are also car salesmen. If anyone could sell a clunker to a sucker, it would be the folks at Larry H. So, here is a sales pitch they SHOULD be making:

Jazz: What's it going to take to get you behind the wheel of a 32nd row seat?

Customer: Well, I am not sure I am too impressed with this year's model.

Jazz: Oh, it's all new and improved. It's got sooo much more horsepower.

Customer: So, what is it that is new and improved?

Jazz: We drafted a brand new point guard. It's an immediate fix for all of last year's little little problems.

Customer: Yeah, but he's small and he can't shoot.

Jazz: That is just what the Lakers want you to think.

Customer: Okay, but last year's model was a wreck. Nothing seemed to work right. Every time I would turn around there would be a broken Boozer or a leaky AK.

Jazz: That's all been fixed. We put a lot of energy into fixing those parts.

Customer: Well, why not just get new parts?

Jazz: Nobody would sell them to us at cost.

Customer: Well, I don't care about that. I just want better parts. So what you are saying is that you didn't change anything?

Jazz: Well, besides the point guard, no. But we kept Milsap! He hustles you know.

Customer: Yeah, I've seen him hustle. But he hustled last year. What I want to know is why is this year's model DIFFERENT?

Jazz: Four things: 1. Boozer loves Utah again. Look, he has even taken upon himself the Utah culture and has begun to wear kapris! 2. Hot Rod is not calling the games anymore. 3. AK's wife has already allowed him his free-bee. He will be playing with a lot more energy this year. 4. Harpring has a year more experience under his belt. We have just been waiting for him to take off. This is his year!

Customer: So how many more wins can I expect?

Jazz: [Puts their arm around you] Here... let's go into the back room and we can talk numbers.

Customer (Me): No, I think I'll pass. What is the cost to you?

Jazz: Well, it is way more than it's worth and more than most the teams in the NBA. But look, everyone is coming back from a 46 win season! Like I said, we have a room where we can talk numbers.

Customer (Me): No thanks, I think I will go take a look at the Blazer dealership.

Sometimes, even a used car salesman can't sell a giant piece of crap.


Hadley said...

Wow - well said, Abe. I'm still holding on to some hope, but it's tough to argue with this...

Go Jazz?!

su-tang 3000 said...

Best part was "broken Boozer or a leaky AK."