T'was but one year ago to this day that a lone man, equipped with a few water bottles, some Gatoraide and an iPod, set out on a quest that would forever change his life.
This moment in time marks the one year anniversary of that fateful day. Not hail, hell or yes, even Hale theater - could stop that hell-bent boy from going through hell to finish his goal. The goal was to reach 26.2 miles, all on foot - mostly running on the foots until the foots bled like a third scene from a Quintin Terratino movie.
The "Marathon Man", as he is now known through these parts, finished his quest that day. He received no applause, no fanfare, no pictures with sweaty friends. No, this was an internal struggle of wills, and the will to succeed outlasted the will to stop. Will Smith came in a distant third.
Once word of the amazing accomplishment got out, Marathon Man became an inspiration, a staple in the community (Well, a second staple. There is a Staples on like 6300 South and State), a living monument to perseverance. Women would flock to him at church in hopes of obtaining his autograph. (He was the one that signs the checks) The neighborhood Costco begged him for pictures of himself. (They have an underrated and high quality photo lab with reasonable prices) He was overcome with fan mail. (Fan mail sometimes looks like junk mail, so it is a little hard to tell)
Now, a year has passed and the Marathon Man's star has begun to fade. New, greater accomplishments have surpassed his bravery on that lonely, 26 mile death jaunt. Jasper - from the southern part of Murray - swam 6 miles upstream in the Jordan River, pushing away a few dead bodies from his path. Little Kelvin Landerson - from the North - played one-on-one with Utah basketball legend, Tom Chambers... and won! Roberta Slodginghouseton - from the west - placed 6th place in the regional female ultimate fighting semifinals.
No, the Marathon Man has accepted his fate as a simplistic bedtime tale to be told in mid afternoon to bored housewives. While his accomplishments may be vast (In that 26.2 miles is very vast when compared to say - 8.5 miles), his shining moment has forever dissipated like the fog from a Guns and Roses cover band fog machine. It's been months since he has been recognized on the street. No one ever asks for an autograph anymore. Even Costco is dodging his calls and they will take returns on everything!
If you haven't been able to figure it out already, that 'Marathon Man' was me! I know... I am a little shocked myself. It's been a tough road, these past few months. I feel a little bit like a reality show contestant; I just spent 3 months on an deserted island with nothing but crabs, coconuts and Jeff Probst, and 3 months later, no one remembers me. Of course, I could rebound by doing a stint on Dancing With the Stars, but I would have to insist on having Julie Ann Hough as a dancing partner.
A better plan might be to try and do something even more daring, more cutting edge, more exhausting. Perhaps I could beat up Super Dale or play a rousing game of table tennis with Julie Ann Hough? I just want to be someone again. I am tired of being "that old Marathon Man" guy.
So happy one year anniversary to myself. (No one else is going to wish me one) I think I will spend the day thinking about my past glory or imagining that David Hasselhoff just told Julie Ann and I, "The Hoff says 'You were Hoff the hook! That dance was not one to scHoff at! You two are ready for lift-Hoff! You two should have a seat on the Hoff Tamale Train!'"
Am I mixing up my reality TV shows?
Wax on - (will someone please) Wax Hoff!