Monday, May 9, 2011

The Wilford Brimley Show

Attention!  Attention! Will everyone please take their seats?  Thank you.

Welcome everyone to the Wilford Brimley Variety Hour Stage Show.  Wilford will be out on stage in a few minutes, but before he comes out, he asked that I lay down a few ground rules.

 Wilford asks that you please turn off all cell phones and other electronic devices for the performance. He is too old to understand the sounds that these devices make and becomes easily confused.

Wilford requests that crying small children be taken into the foyer until they can control their emotions. (He hates children.)

Please, during the Q&A portion of the show, Wilford has asked that you do NOT ask questions about oatmeal and other hot cereals.

Wilford Brimley is not responsible for emotional trauma to children under the age of ten due to the size his mustache may cause.

You know what -  please don't even mention oatmeal or hot cereal when Wilford comes out.  Just no questioning or mentioning it.  Lets all respect Mr. Brimley's wishes on this.  Trust me.

Please, no outside food or drink.  Snacks may be purchased in the lobby. (Near the crying children.)

Please do not throw oatmeal or hot cereal of any kind on stage as Mr. Brimley is performing.  Especially if it is still hot.  No, not at all is a better rule. Don't throw oatmeal or hot cereal, please.

Wilford asks that we keep the lighting low, except for his mustache glow light.  Please watch your step if you have to leave.

Do not ask Mr. Brimley to turn up his mustache glow light.  Even if he could...

Back to the oatmeal thing.  Please, and I can't stress this enough, Mr. Brimely has enough on his plate to deal with hot cereal taunts and gags. Please, give the man some respect.

I know sir, oatmeal is served in bowls, not on plates.  I get it.

Please, no flash photography during tonight's performance.

Mr. Brimely has asked that the audience participate by clapping along to the songs, but not by chanting "Eat your oatmeal" to the beat.  Please respect his wishes. He can be pretty sensitive about this.

Actually, I can see many of you in the audience brought boxes of oatmeal.  I have no idea what you intend to do with those boxes, but they're making me quite nervous.  Wilford's wife, Lynne will be around shortly to collect them.

Wilford has kindly asked that popcorn be chomped at a reasonable decibel level, especially during his MC Hammer impersonation dance sequence.

Look people, I know that when Wilford takes his "30 second oatmeal breaks" throughout the show, this would seem like a perfect opportunity to tease him about oatmeal.  But the truth is, Mr. Brimely has diabetes and he needs to eat that oatmeal in order to survive.

I mean, sure, he could drink juice or eat granola bars during the show to keep his sugar level up, but he's pretty partial to that oatmeal. It's like taking candy from a baby.  A really fat baby that loves candy.  And has diabetes. And the candy is oatmeal.

Emergency exits are either side of the theater.

During the Q&A Wilford has respect his wishes by not asking the following questions:

A. How much oatmeal are you hiding in your mustache?
B. Could you tip one of those cocoons and use it to hold an enormous bowl of oatmeal?  For like a giant sized Wilford Brimley? Or Godzilla?
C. Does oatmeal cause diabetes?
D. Does oatmeal cause mustache growth?
E. Does mustache growth cause diabetes?
F. Favorite color?

Again, I shouldn't have to mention the oatmeal thing as it has been pretty well established, but I felt it needed to be reiterated.

NOW, ladies and gentleman, I give you the man you have all been waiting for!  The man behind the oatmeal... Mr. Wilford Brimley!!!

Ah, DANG IT!

36 comments:

The Church Lady said...

Do you think his favorite color could be "oatmeal"?

Heidi (lilmommyfoofoo) said...

Dude, I would totally not be able to keep the oatmeal jokes at bay.

Oh, and as an avid quaker oats eater, (it does indeed cause mustache growth.)

WOOT WILFORD BRIMLEY!!!!

Lazarus said...

Very funny, especially to WB fans....

Just SO said...

His mustache frightens me...it would scar children for life!!

middle child said...

I LOVE Wilford Brimly!

middle child said...

Oh. And now I am truly hungry for oatmeal.

Oilfield Trash said...

He used to scare me when I was younger.

Kristina P. said...

I often get mistaken for Wilford Brimle. Or Angelina Jolie. It's a common problem.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

You blew it!
Can we ask him about aliens in the artic?

-stephanie- said...

I confess. I had to Google WB and oatmeal. I didn't remember until I saw the ads. I only remember Liberty Mutual and his diabetes testing supplies commercials. Every time he came on, my daughter had to stop everything and watch him. She was 1. That scared me.

Oh, where can I get tickets to his show?

"Miss Bee" said...

The mustache glow light might be the most genius invention ever!

Unknown Mami said...

Can I ask him if he puts flax in his oatmeal? I don't have to say "oatmeal", I could call it something else like gloppy porridge. I could ask,"Do you put flax in your gloppy porridge?"

Jen said...

Gotta love WB. Hey, I think he lives in Wyoming now. We've seen him at a couple of horse shows here in town.

Melinda said...

"Does oatmeal cause mustache growth?"

Classic man, classic.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

"Mustache glow light" - love it, Abe! But I'm glad I missed this performance.
xoRobyn

Alittlesprite said...

I know this would be funny if I knew who this dude was...
Oh well..
:D

Mel said...

You are ridonculous!

Jenn said...

Excuse me...I have a question: Does Wilford Brimley like oatmeal???

Kelly said...

How does Mr Brimley feel about Cream of Wheat?

Susan in the Boonies said...

This post is full of verbal soluble fiber.

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Wait- I feel as though I need to google his name, because this didn't make sense! Let me go do that.

Lisa Loo said...

My bowl of oatmeal looks so different to me now....

ThreeOldKeys said...

whew. what a relief.

i feared there would be hot wax involved in this post.

M-Cat said...

And you know what? He's just as grouchy in real life. My friend sings with his brother Sterling who is a dead ringer for Wilford except the pleasant part.

Kelley said...

You have me laughing over here- like always. I love the many, many different ways you thought to bring up oatmeal. That was one tough crowd for Wilford. Boxes of oatmeal?? It could have gotten really ugly. You know? If someone had thrown hot, no, let's say warm, warm oatmeal onto Mr. Brimley's head, he may have liked the warm sensation AND the look. When it dried, it could have been a toupee of sorts. Too bad they were so anti-oatmeal heckling at that show.

lisleman said...

"Cocoon" was his best. No oatmeal just sexy aliens.

blueviolet said...

Ok, what???

Ally said...

awww, poor wilford. something about him always gave the feel of a really nice grandpa.

Chris Phillips said...

mustache envy.

Lourie said...

So to be sure, no mention of the oatmeal?

Emmy said...

My favorite is maple and brown sugar.

Doh! I broke the rules

Connie said...

My MIL hates him. I wonder if she's had a bad experience with a bowl of oatmeal or maybe with a mustache!

Joann Mannix said...

Dude, I am ducking out of the Internet for the next few days because I can see that finish line and I need no distractions. But at the end of the day, a little Cheese never hurt anyone.

Every time I see that diabetes commercial, I think, who the heck actually paid for Wilford Brimley to be their spokesperson? Does he have any fans left? Did he ever have fans?

SueLovesCherries said...

The man, the mustache, the legend - he's got that typical cowboy voice, just like Sam Elliot!

Teachinfourth said...

Wow, I haven't heard about WB for quite a while...

John and EJ said...

My step daughter thinks I look more and more like Wilford every day. But his mustache is much bigger than mine. I guess I do like oatmeal though. Can you help?