Saturday, May 28, 2011

The After Oprah Diaries

The following is a few of the scribbles I have jotted down in my journal on Thursday as I have begun the coping process of dealing with the tragic loss of our 'Beloved' Oprah.

(Thursday)

7:00 AM: I woke up this morning covered in soot from head to tow. I glanced around and realized that it was not soot that I was draped in, but a salty chrysalis had formed around my sleeping body because of the massive amount of tears that had dripped from my eyes while I slept.  

7:15: This bowl of cereal seems soggier than usual. I wonder what cereal Oprah would suggest? Oh right. Crap.

9:20 AM: Inspiring and teaching a group of first graders seems so pointless with Oprah off the air.

10:00: Alas recess!  I'm teetering between tears and acceptance and acceptance of my tears.  It is a three way teeter-totter. I mostly totter.  Teetering must come later. It's the tottering that sucks.  I'd kill for a teeter. Man, I am such a wreck right now!

12:00: Oprah.  

12:35: Pull it together man. You've got kids in there wanting to be taught and you are hovering in the corner of the hall and shaking uncontrollably.  Is this what Oprah would want?!  IS THIS WHAT OPRAH WOULD WANT?!

12:36: Answer: NO.

1:30: I am reading Oprah Magazine to my first graders. I don't even care. There's an article in this month's issue on 60 day liquid diets that I think we can all benefit from. I miss her already. 

2:27: I'm making a doll.  Well, a replica doll of Oprah. I am using yarn and paper mache and a stapler but it's not working. I'm getting really frustrated and the kids keep looking over at me and wondering why my arms are covered in paper mache and why I am yelling "FAVORITE THINGS" over and over.

2:45: Gave up on the doll.  Started drawing Oprah. Gave up on that too. Got out some Playdough.

2:55: My Playdough Oprah is complete. I had to use more Playdough than I did five years ago.  I should send this to Oprah. No, first I'll let it dry and then I'll send it to her. 

3:00: I really should get myself a pair of croc-skinned Crocs. (This thought non-Oprah related.)

3:30: That bush looks an awful lot like Steadman. 

4:00: Oprah's on!  

4:01: Ah crap. That's right. 

4:30: I am watching Dr. Phil and pretending that he is actually talking to Oprah. 

4:32: This is NOT working. Dr. Phil is actually talking to a prostitute with one leg.

5:00: Crying again. Not unusual this time. I always cry at 5:00.

5:15: Boy has this has been a long day. I wonder what Oprah is doing right now? She's probably with Gayle, getting a massage by the pool. I hate Gayle.

5:25: Why can't I be Gayle?

6:00: It's been a long day, journal.  I'll get back to you tomorrow.   I've got Dr. Oz on the DVR.  Tomorrow will be a better day.  It has to be easier than today.

50 comments:

Laraine Eddington said...

I pray for the day when you won't have to wet your pillow because of Oprah-loss. I think there is a drug for that.

Shannon said...

Thank you. You are very special. In the Ed kind of way!

Jillybean said...

When I read that you made an Oprah out of playdough, it made me think about Mr. Bill from Saturday Night Live.

Rach (DonutsMama) said...

Maybe you can start a campaign to get all her episodes on DVD? Then you can be all Oprah, all the time.

Linda said...

Oprah? Who's Oprah? Shouldn't it be spelled Orpah?

Cruella Collett said...

This post is one of my favourite things.

Kristina P. said...

Dr. Phil is the Mario Lopez of the therapy world.

Brittney said...

keep watching The Drs maybe they can tell you about a medicine to help with your anxiety about the loss of Oprah...haha

Life with Kaishon said...

Oh my goodness.
You really, really, really love her.
This made me laugh.

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

5:15: Boy has this has been a long day. I wonder what Oprah is doing right now? She's probably with Gayle, getting a massage by the pool. I hate Gayle.

5:25: Why can't I be Gayle?

9:41: Isn't it ridiculous that, just because you're best friends with a famous TV celebrity that suddenly you're a famous TV celebrity?

9:42: If Oprah knew me, she'd like me better than Gayle.

9:44: If Oprah knew homme de fromage she'd like him better than Gayle.

9:45: Who the hell is Gayle anyway?

Susan in the Boonies said...

You are cracking me up.

I hope you can find some peace.

Holly Diane said...

I think this is the first time I've laughed since Oprah went off the air..lol

-stephanie- said...

Oprah had her own show?

Christine said...

I have never laughed so hard in my life over a blog entry before, you are so weird it's funny. Now take a deep breath, she still has her network, you can watch her there probably all day long. ;)

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Loved how you worked in Gayle, Steadman and Dr. Phil. This was very funny. I hope it helped you feel a bit better.
xoRobyn

Connie said...

I pray that reruns of Oprah will be aired twice a day during summer break.

TisforTonya said...

would you believe I haven't actually watched Oprah since... ummm... well, the theme song was "ten years come and gone so fast" back when I saw it last...

maybe if you rent The Color Purple you'll get your fix?

mintifresh said...

I forgot how to dress, eat and poop when she went off the air.

Lisa Loo said...

I am having a heck of a time being able to comment on your blog. Is it blogger?

Anyways.....

Who needs Oprah when you have Cheeseboy!!

The Teacher's Pets said...

I have been keeping myself distracted by LIFE since Wednesday and was able to avoid being near the tv on Thursday but by Friday I was at a complete loss! Believe it or not I timed my trip to the gym around the Oprah show because a gal's gotta have something to watch while on the treadmill, right?
I feel your pain, Cheeseboy, I really do! In fact, I am so concerned about your well being that I am facebooking this to my facebook page in the hopes that someone will send good tidings your way. It's what Oprah would've wanted.

Alittlesprite said...

Not to be too general here but in Australia it's like "Oprah? meh..."

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

Funny post!

What makes it even funnier is that Oprah actually went of the air five years ago - and they just keep re-running old shows. Somebody must have finally noticed.

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

I would have laughed at this post, but ... I just can't find a reason to laugh now that Oprah's off the air. *sigh*

Ally said...

We needed a break from Oprah. I wonder if people will be able to think for themselves and decide what books to read or shampoo to use. Hmmm.


FourthGradeNothing.com

Saimi said...

What's the world going to do...I mean NO Oprah?...Oh dear!

M-Cat said...

Who WILL the women all over the world now worship? Perhaps they will figure out that they can do things all on their own without being little sheep that follow the goddess.

As someone wise once stated

The Reign of Fraud is over.

Finally over.

Lost.in.Idaho said...

I can see you trudging through town, wailing and crying, wearing a soggy tear-drenched "What Would Oprah Do?" tshirt.

Poor thing... I know what will cheer you up! YOU GET A FREE CAR!!!!

AND YOU GET A FREE CAR!!!

W.C.Camp said...

I feel these EXACT emotions when I run out of 'Hot Tamale' candies so I truly feel your pain only with a much more pronounced hint of cinnamon! W.C.C.

The Bipolar Diva said...

Oprah? Who's that?

sinika said...

I can just see the puzzled look on your first grader's faces as you describe the benefits of a 60 day liquid diet...

Laughed so hard at this post! And mintifresh's comment.

Mel said...

You are ridiculous in a most delightful way! Also, the psychotic -looking picture you found of Oprah: pricelss.

Dana @ WhatWereWeThinking? said...

{{{HUGS}}}

Desperate Housemommy said...

There, there, Cheeseboy. This, too, shall pass. Like the proverbial flatulence in the wind.

Jenn said...

That's it....I can't take this many man tears in one sitting. I'm calling Oprah right now, I'll have her back on in like a week.. I promise, just hang in there!!!

Teachinfourth said...

I never knew you liked going to the Opera...

Man, I learned something new today.

dbs said...

Dude. Not the ugly-cry I hope?

00dozo said...

You've reached a new height in sardonicism - or should that be sarcasm - really, it's hard to tell anymore (not just with you, I mean).

Oprah who?

;-)

Cheryl said...

Dry your tears Cheeseboy. I think you will be able to fullfill your Oprah fix by tuning into OWN. She is not gone, nor forgotten. I would be glad to send you my copy of OPRAH, the unauthorized biography. It will help you get over hump.

Vanessa said...

All I know is when you retire from teaching, you better have a 2 day star studded event where you pretend to be surprised.

And you will have Maya Angelou write a Cheeseboy poem.

Melinda said...

I think the 12 o'clock "Oprah." was my favorite one, I really felt the depth of that. I'm really devastated, thats why I stopped watching Oprah seven years ago, so I could wean myself...

Kelloggsville said...

Opera is still happening over here in the UK. Are your government like Turkey and blogging thing, have they banned Opera? There are ways around it you know...

Amy said...

Ha! I completely missed it. Oprah would be mad at me. Sigh. Though I offer my condolences. :)

Sandra said...

You've just described the emotions of several thousand women the day after Oprah retired. You are so in touch with the female psyche...it's reather frightening...are you a woman? No, really? Are you?

Emmy said...

Lol! Oh I mean- are you okay? I am so sorry for your loss

Lourie said...

I think there is a support group for this.

Nikki said...

Omigosh I'm laughing so hard at that post AND all the comments!

Joann Mannix said...

I miss her, too. I will never, ever, ever have the chance for a Harpo Hookup again. I've been begging her to make my dreams come true and convince Bono to leave his family for me. You know she has that sort of influence over everybody, right? *Sigh* One less avenue to Bono. I'm not sure what we'll do without her.

The Church Lady said...

This sounds identical to my Mom's journal!

Thank goodness I was not brainwashed by "O". I will not miss her at all.

Kelley said...

You are so hilarious! I really, really loved the part where you said it took more Play-Doh this year to make her than it did in years past. Shame, shame!! (Giggle, giggle)

thrivinginacrazylife said...

Withdrawal is so hard! It gets better with time.