Wednesday, May 18, 2011
I've been asking Abe to load the dishwasher correctly for years now. It's a good thing he's handsome and talented in so many areas, because when it comes to loading the dishwasher, I want to strangle that idiot! But tonight something changed. Tonight it finally clicked. I opened the dishwasher and there was his plate, in the perfect spot, right where I had told him to put it millions of times. I was deeply touched and when I saw that he had listened to me, I gave him the kiss of his life.
Really, it was an amazing thing. Here I was, just sitting with my mouth closed like I normally do when that Abe character comes charging over to me like a madman; and I'm talking a real madman, like Daniel Trump or Charles Sheen! He proceeds to yank me open like I'm some sort of common, pathetic garbage can. Much to my surprise, that DOPE actually places his plate in my correct tray, on the correct shelf, in the correct direction!
I was blown away and not just by my drying mechanism either. I knew his wife wouldn't believe it either and when she looked inside of me, I could see a tear droplet fall from her eye. I had just witnessed something I thought I'd never see in my lifespan: Abe had actually loaded me correctly. It was a moment I shan't forget.
There I was, smelling my own sweet gunk covered inner walls when I see that twerp, Abe head over to the dishwasher with another plate. He kinda, sorta nonchalantly opens the door and tosses his plate in. I swear that FREAK wasn't even looking. But here's the amazing thing: The plate bounces around a little and lands squarely in the perfect spot. Luckiest shot I have ever seen! It was like a full-court basketball prayer shot that swooshes through the hoop.
I mean, this BOZO was fortunate he didn't break the plate, let alone have it settle comfortably into it's proper resting spot. And then - get this - his wife comes over, opens the dishwasher and actually starts PRAISING him for loading it correctly! I've never seen her so happy. Even bed tells me things went pretty well that night. All because this MORON tossed his plate in the air and it happened to bounce the right way. Some dudes get all the luck.
I'm not really sure what happened. I mean, he was eating off of me, then he scraped me and then all of a sudden I am in the dishwasher? Apparently, this was some sort amazing feat and now all the appliances are talking about it.
So I've heard from some of the others that this "human", Abe has figured out how to put dishes into dishwasher or something?! Yet he still opens my door and just stares aimlessly into my bowels like a Proctologist for the obese. Of course, his wife still gets upset at him for it, but does he ever change? No. An hour later he is back to his old self, staring into me, hoping that somehow, magically new food will appear while letting out all my cold air. Jerk.
I honestly don't know what it was that I did, but this is turning out to be the best day of my life!