Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Talking Dishwasher

The Wife:


I've been asking Abe to load the dishwasher correctly for years now.  It's a good thing he's handsome and talented in so many areas, because when it comes to loading the dishwasher, I want to strangle that idiot!  But tonight something changed.  Tonight it finally clicked.  I opened the dishwasher and there was his plate, in the perfect spot, right where I had told him to put it millions of times.  I was deeply touched and when I saw that he had listened to me, I gave him the kiss of his life.


The Dishwasher:

Really, it was an amazing thing. Here I was, just sitting with my mouth closed like I normally do when that Abe character comes charging over to me like a madman; and I'm talking a real madman, like Daniel Trump or Charles Sheen! He proceeds to yank me open like I'm some sort of common, pathetic garbage can. Much to my surprise, that DOPE actually places his plate in my correct tray, on the correct shelf, in the correct direction!

I was blown away and not just by my drying mechanism either.  I knew his wife wouldn't believe it either and when she looked inside of me, I could see a tear droplet fall from her eye. I had just witnessed something I thought I'd never see in my lifespan: Abe had actually loaded me correctly. It was a moment I shan't forget.

The Microwave:

There I was, smelling my own sweet gunk covered inner walls when I see that twerp, Abe head over to the dishwasher with another plate.  He kinda, sorta nonchalantly opens the door and tosses his plate in.  I swear that FREAK wasn't even looking.  But here's the amazing thing: The plate bounces around a little and lands squarely in the perfect spot.  Luckiest shot I have ever seen! It was like a full-court basketball prayer shot that swooshes through the hoop.

I mean, this BOZO was fortunate he didn't break the plate, let alone have it settle comfortably into it's proper resting spot.  And then - get this - his wife comes over, opens the dishwasher and actually starts PRAISING him for loading it correctly!  I've never seen her so happy.  Even bed tells me things went pretty well that night.  All because this MORON tossed his plate in the air and it happened to bounce the right way. Some dudes get all the luck.

The Plate:

I'm not really sure what happened.  I mean, he was eating off of me, then he scraped me and then all of a sudden I am in the dishwasher? Apparently, this was some sort amazing feat and now all the appliances are talking about it.

The Refrigerator:

So I've heard from some of the others that this "human", Abe has figured out how to put dishes into dishwasher or something?!  Yet he still opens my door and just stares aimlessly into my bowels like a Proctologist for the obese. Of course, his wife still gets upset at him for it, but does he ever change?  No. An hour later he is back to his old self, staring into me, hoping that somehow, magically new food will appear while letting out all my cold air.  Jerk.

Abe:
I honestly don't know what it was that I did, but this is turning out to be the best day of my life!

64 comments:

Amy said...

Hehehe. The struggle of every wife with a dishwasher. And the fridge... yeah, I don't think just guys do that. I always stare into the fridge. It is my thinking spot. Letting all the cold air out, and just gazing off into the leftovers.

Julie said...

Energy Star be damned!

Oilfield Trash said...

Sad thing is when I was married I always did the dishes. Hell I did everything, and hence why I left her.

"Miss Bee" said...

I swear the dishwasher should come with a diagram. Then again, most men probably would not look at the diagram, so dishes would continue to be loaded incorrectly.

But props on putting your own dishes in the dishwasher - regardless of how they land!

My Oatmeal Kisses said...

It's so true! It is nothing short of a miracle when the dishwasher is loaded correctly!

Antares Cryptos said...

For a moment I got geekcited and thought you'd purchased one of those models that give voice commands.

Connie said...

Really? I'm almost afraid to go in my kitchen now...I'm so paranoid!

You must have made some points!

M-Cat said...

If only my laundry machine could talk, it would rat out the men in my house like you wouldn't believe.

In fact, I am sure that it's one big gossip fest down there in the laundry room with the washer and the dryer. What with their mocking drums. My husband doesn't even dare set foot in there.

Kristina P. said...

I believe that this post would have been from the viewpoint of my husband, about me. I am sucky.

Bossy Betty said...

Loved this! I am going to go have a little chat with my appliances now.

purseblogger said...

Ha! This is so great! Classic Abe post. :)

The Bipolar Diva said...

I don't think I even want to know what my appliances are talking about...You're a brave, brave man.

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

Why do you even have a dishwasher?
I thought you were married.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

You are on a roll. I was laughing throughout again. This line's my favorite, Abe: "Yet he still opens my door and just stares aimlessly into my bowels like a Proctologist for the obese."
xoRobyn

Mamma has spoken said...

Around here, I'm just happy that the dishes make it INTO the dishwasher. I've given up having anyone know how to load it correctly. After 28 years, I'm happy that he knows how to run it!

-stephanie- said...

The bed would have comments too if my husband even attempted to put a dish in the dishwasher. Congratulations.

The Stiffs said...

Now to teach my children...

Jenn said...

LOL.. I love the microwaves take on it!! hehehe Your wife is definitely a saint! :)

lifeshighway said...

and thus Cheeseman found the road to marriage Nirvana.

tammy said...

If you happen to go to my MIL's, don't even try to put your plate in the dishwasher. Just leave it in the general location of the sink and slowly back away.

The Church Lady said...

I'm just amazed that you got the dish INTO the dishwasher at all! My hubs will rinse his plate, then carefully place it BESIDE the dishwasher.

I think he has a phobia of dishwashers, just ask the sink.

laughingmom said...

Bed? -c'mon if it was such a big todo, it woulda been Kitchen Floor talking.

Keetha Broyles said...

I am fully convinced that if MY hubby ever loaded the dishwasher (or unloaded it for that matter) correctly, it would be a sheer unadulterated accident.

Impulsive Addict said...

Well, whatever it takes (lucky much?) for you to put a dish in the dishwasher is what I say. WHY IS IT SO HARD FOR YOU MEN PEOPLE?

Cheryl said...

This comment is directed specifically to Dishwasher and Microwave. Hey Dish and Mi, (you don't mind if I call you that?) You might want to chill a bit with the effusive praises. It might have been a fluke. Dumb luck, if you will...Let's see if he can repeat it next time. Be sure to get back with me. (you can talk to my GE dishwasher her contact is Model #PDWT 480

Kari Nitzel said...

My dishwasher complained so much that it decided to stop working. Once it decides to start working again the teenager will be in heaven. Hopefully he will learn to load it correctly, or else another strike will be evident.

Glen said...

The Oven: "f*** me - a talking dishwasher!"

remembering to scrape the plate off first is impressive enough

Lisa Loo said...

Personally, I think it is more interesting when you load up the dishwasher differently each time. I mean anyone can do it the same each time--pfft.

Kev D. said...

It must be nice to have A dishwasher, let alone a talking one.

Way to rub it in.

Noelle said...

I'm never going to look at my appliances the same way again!

Joann Mannix said...

My husband doesn't know we own a dishwasher, so to even have him attempt putting a plate in there would be a happy day in this house. He also doesn't seem to understand the physics behind not covering your dish when it's in the microwave. But, he does cook for me and he surprises me with fabulous shoes often, so I obligingly put those plates in the dishwasher. It's not hard to keep a woman happy. Domestication in any form and pretty shoes are key.

Katie said...

The only way the dishwasher in my house gets loaded is if I go to happy hour.
We really should jump into this century and buy one so I didn't have to be drunk all the time.

TisforTonya said...

HA! ManOfTheHouse tells me it's not about "right and wrong" - it's that we have different "styles"... most of our appliances would probably agree with him - but they're all wrong.

Amanda said...

Can you come to my house and show my husband how to SHUT THE DISHWASHER DOOR when he's done putting something in the dishwasher? I'd take him loading it like a fool, if he'd just not leave it hanging open!

I feel better now.

Emmy said...

LOL! Too too funny. You made loading the dishwasher funny.
I clear the plates off the table and then Eric loads them, because well....shhh I load them wrong. :)

W.C.Camp said...

I have copied this post and laminated it into the family bible. ( I hope my neighbor I was house-sitting for didn't mind) Truly a universal 'guy' problem. However my appliances are from the Midwest so they are inherently more polite. It's not that they mean to be of course, it's just that in the Ozarks none of 'ems gone to skool v'ry long! W.C.C.

Teachinfourth said...

So, I guess everybody's talking, eh?

lisleman said...

Hey check this cheese out -
http://bentobjects.blogspot.com/2011/05/bad-cheese.html

Now don't be taking a pic without asking.

Unknown Mami said...

This is sort of like a household Roshomon. Who is Daniel Trump? Is he related to Donald?

Powdered Toast Man said...

I wanted to hear from the toaster. He usually has something witty to say.

Raven said...

OH. em.gee. You are hilarious.

and a boy blogger. a boy blogger!

I like it!

00dozo said...

I admit that I, too, am a stickler about how the dishwasher is loaded. So, did you really, really do it or were you just dreaming?

Heh, heh.

Please come by my place - you've been rewarded (not necessarily for correctly loading the dishwasher).
;-)

Beth Zimmerman said...

We don't have a dishwasher and the other appliances are so upset that they don't talk!

Christine said...

Now we know what is really going on inside your head. This was a brilliant post, the dishwasher told me to say this.

Marnie said...

Hilarious Abe! It's true! Was your wife doing the dance of joy when she witnessed this event? I'm still waiting to do that dance in my house.

You are almost at 700 followers! Nice :0)

Holly Ruggiero said...

You know you now have do it correctly all the time or bad things will happen.

Missy said...

My husband does not even know we have a dishwasher!
Great post!

Sunny said...

I have some dishes here if you need help generalizing your new skills...Just saying.

This post made me laugh...The microwave and the dishwasher over there are real cards! :)

Kristen said...

Our appliance cringe when it comes to dishes time. Because arguing always ensues. I know the right way to load a dishwasher and apparenty the hubby knows a completely different way. Somehow we are both right, yet so very wrong. I can only imagine the chalk lines the kitchen appliances make when we aren't looking. Some day there may just be a riot.

Alittlesprite said...

OMG! I love taking appliances. I am inspired to go chat with my dishwasher now. I'm sure it appreciates how I don't let my useless hubby anywhere near it.

Pat said...

You are a genius, even if you CAN'T operate your kitchen appliances properly. This is great stuff!

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Whoot! Keep it up man! Maybe my husband will be next! You know, even when i leave the thing WIDE OPEN and TELL HIM TO PUT IT IN THERE, he doesn't, but now? I know there is hope.

ThreeOldKeys said...

Can you teach the dishwasher to announce "dirty or clean" when the door is opened ...

...because apparently I am the only one at my house who can make this judgment. I might not remember, so I must walk to the kitchen. Calling upon my decades of experience and training, I glance into the dishwasher ...

... and i solemnly declare the current status of the plates and silverware inside.

it's a tricky diagnosis, but i can reveal that it involves looking for food stains, drips and crumbs. some of us have the knack.

the late phoenix said...

the dishwasher talks to me all the time, but i can't make out what it's saying over all that humming...

DEZMOND said...

that Abe surely has an eventful life :)

Lourie said...

Hey if put it in there himself, I am happy. No more rearranging fro me.

The Empress said...

You help around the kitchen??

You get more and more fantastic the more I know you.

WOW.

SueLovesCherries said...

You deserve a Superman "S" shirt to wear to school all week!
(By the way, who's DANIEL Trump? Donald's brother?)

Melinda said...

Isn't it funny what small things make wives SO happy??

Isaiah Ketterhagen said...

AWESOME POST/STORY! You had me smiling the whole time! Fantastic rendition of a simple "loading of a plate".

I just caught your blog from Mommy of a monster and am now a reader for good!

Ally said...

This is hysterical and so much like something that would happen to my husband. He almost gave me a heart attack when he replaced the roll of toilet paper instead of just leaving a roll out on top of the toilet bowl. It's the little things, man!

Bees With Honey said...

Only you would write about this through the eyes of all the other kitchen appliances.

I shout "Yay" for your wife. You're lucky you got a kiss. Maybe if you repeat the behaviour, you'll get more. Interesting concept, huh?

Kelley said...

You used the word "shan't" and I shan't forget it.

Also, you might be off your rocker. You go into the kitchen and imagine the thoughts of your appliances.

Don't ever get back on your rocker.

A Slice of Dansie said...

wait...what about the oven? What does he has to say? I am sure he witnessed this EXTRAordinary event.