Monday, May 16, 2011

This Month in Cheeseboy Facebook Status Updates

If you've been a follower of the Blog O' Cheese for a while, you know that on the 16th of each month, I post my very best and funniest Facebook/Twitter status updates for the month.  I hope you do not tire of this tradition as it is a very easy post for me to do.

5-15-11 at 2:09 PM: Birthdays only come around once a year and when I wish someone a happy birthday, I like to make it EXTRA SPECIAL for them! I like to go the extra mile and make them feel as though I truly care about them as a friend. I want my "happy birthday" to stand above the other 100 they receive every day. And this is exactly why I write "happy birthday" on their Facebook wall. 


5-13-11 at 4:17 PM: Happy Birthday Stevie Wonder! (Hope someone reads this to you.


5-12-11 at 11:00 PM: I'm really excited to start our new May family tradition of going into the mountains and planting a pine tree so that in December of 2017 we can go back and cut it down.


5-12:11 at 6:22 PMI could see the forrest through the trees. Then I walked to the other side and I could see the trees through the forrest. It was at that profound moment that I realized: trees are forest, moron.


5-10-11 at 10:55 PMI suffer from short term memory loss, paranoia and hypochondria.


5-10-11 at 10:56 PMWHO WROTE MY LAST POST?! How did they hack into my account?! I'm so scared. And why is there a strange bump on the back of my knee?!


5-10-11 at 7:04 PM"Kevin Maloney and 35 other friends changed their profile pictures."
Wow, Kevin Maloney is quite the trend setter of crap I could care less about.

5-9-11 at 10:40 PM: Should I stop asking myself rhetorical questions? (Don't answer that.)

5-9-11 at 4:44 PM: Here's a joke I just wrote for all my Botanist friends out there:

They say that "money is the root of all evil." Ha! I mean, if money is the root, what is the hypocotyl?! A bank card? Yeah right!

Now, on to part 2 of the joke: finding Botanist friends

5-8-11 at 3:30 PMMy first grade parents are the best! I asked for glue donations and got at least 3 horses worth!

5-7-11 at 6:52 PMHahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha [So a hobbit walks into a minibar] hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha- An inside joke

5-7-11 at 4:51 PM: I can't help but think that if God had used a Mac instead of a PC to invent the world, humans and other animals would have a lot less problem with constipation. (Also, colors would be even more sharp and vivid.)

5-7-11 at 9:00 AMI wonder how many people will "like" this status in which I say absolutely nothing?  (ANSWER = 27)

5-6-11 at 6:59 PMGot a ton of great stuff for Teacher Appreciation Week, but my favorite is a University of Utah Snuggie. I plan on wearing it to every cold weather game this year.

5-5-11 at 10:48 PMEvery Butterfinger candy bar should come with a little toothpick in the package.

5-5-11 at 5:22 PMPeople will make themselves sick not to be heard farting in public, yet they have no problem blowing their nose like a trumpet when I'm around.

5-4-11 at 5:17 PMI could never be a restaurant owner because I can never spell "restaurant" correctly without Googling it first.

5-3-11 at 9:15 PMSometimes I ask for Skittles on my Subway, just to see if that kid's listening.

5-3-11 at 8:02 PMMy son graduated from preschool today! I could not be more proud. He crammed during finals week (Up until 8:00 every night!) and pushed through his research paper (drawing dogs). His thesis received rave reviews from all his professors. ("The impact of Spongebob on the 5 year old brain") I just pray that he hasn't peaked academically.

5-2-11 at 9:12 PMI tweeted this 20 hours ago: "They should shoot Bin Laden EVERY Sunday from now on so that they can break into the Celebrity Apprentice." Tonight I am watching Conan and he tells almost the EXACT SAME joke! Coincidence or is Conan reading my tweets??

5-2-11 at 4:58 PMI'm kinda wishing today that I hadn't said no to those Navy SEAL recruiters back in '97.

4-30-11 at 10:14 PMMariah Carey had twins! Finally, a plot for "Glitter 2"!

4:30-11 at 4:15 PM: Copy and paste this as your status for the day.

4-30-11 at 4:16 PM: Copy and paste this as your status for the day.

4-29-11 at 6:51 PM: Sometimes I will stop the microwave with one second left and quietly say to myself, "You did it Abe. We're safe now."

4-28-11 at 6:58 PMWhy is it that every time I wear spandex to Walmart I get the sick feeling that people are taking pictures of me?

4-27-11 at 4:39 PMThinking of becoming a volunteer firefighter. Maybe go down the pole once or twice and then quit. Maybe pet the dalmatian and pose for the calendar.

4-27-11 at 4:38 PM: Why is no one asking to see Kate Middleton's birth certificate? How do we know she is really British and not Kenyan?!

4-26-11 at 7:11 PM: I'd totally eat at a salad bar if it had lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, ketchup, mustard, hamburger and buns.

4-25-11 at 1:59 PMEvery girl in the world can look at Kate Middleton and say, "I too can marry a jobless bald guy that still lives with his grandmother."

4-24-11 at 7:51 PMWhen the Easter Bunny takes a shower, I bet he has to clean a lot of that fake grass gunk out of the drain.

4-23-11 at 12:22 PMHeaded to Five Guys for my birthday and a heart attack.

4-22-11 at 8:07 PM: Actual conversation I witnessed my wife just have with a teenage boy working at the St. George Shoe Carnival: ..."Can I help you?"... "Yeah, what is a good running shoe for men?"... (Points) - "Asics are the best."... "Those are New Balance."... (Embarrassed) "Yeah, I am not very good with shoes."

4-21-11 at 9:28 PMIf I taught first grade at Amish School, this would be my curriculum: 
Monday -Build School, Tuesday -Quilt Tying, Wednesday -Electric Fireplace Building, Thursday -Buggy Driver's Ed., Friday - Rehearse scenes for "Witness" musical.

4-21-11 at 10:43 AM: This is a very special weekend: A weekend in which you can feel religious guilt and environmental guilt all at once.

4-20-11 at 4:42 PM: Honestly, the ONLY thing I know about the royal family is that they have weddings.

4-19-11 at 7:59 PM: My son says he hates Earth Day because they make him clean up other people's garbage on the playground. I told him to buck up - because he's saving dolphins. I'm not sure, but I think he gave me his first "bird".

4-18-11 at 5:48 PM: One of my first graders asked if brown is in the rainbow. I responded, "Only when a unicorn poops on it." I am a horrible teacher.

59 comments:

Marlene said...

Ha ha ha....laughed at the inappropriate Stevie Wonder one....and of course, you have no idea how many times I wish I had a camera at Wal-Mart!

Brittney said...

hahaha that last one cracked me up oh and the one about the friends that changed their profile pic! These are great I love reading them maybe I should add you on FB so i can read your greatness daily

Mom of 12 said...

I love the crack about the Easter Bunny! You are so funny!
Sandy

Tom said...

I no longer wish friends happy birthday on Facebook because it seems so superficial to type the same thing right after 30 other people do it.

I agree with you about the nose blowing enthusiasts. Some people need to tone it down a little.

lifeshighway said...

I'm with Marlene. I cracked up on the Stevie Wonder comment.

A blind ninja will probably arrive at my house tonight beat me senseless with his ninja cane.

Antares Cryptos said...

Too.Many.Jokes.
Thank you.

Oilfield Trash said...

Hilarious, keep this coming.

Kristina P. said...

My birthday was the 12th. I was waiting for you to send me a porn bomb through email.

-stephanie- said...

Funny stuff Cheese. I better start a Facebook page or wall or whatever you call it, so you can write your EXTRA SPECIAL Happy Birthday to me on Sunday.

Posh Totty said...

Hahah!! The restaurant owner status rings so true to me too ;o)

Katie said...

Resterant...resturaunt...reasturant...resturant...ressterant...
Ugh. Thank goodness Google knows what we need.

mintifresh said...

Oh man! It hurts to read your blog right now! Belly laughs only increase my narcotic intake at this point!

MiMi said...

The Stevie Wonder one literally had my jaw dragging the floor. It was seriously funny though!!!!

Melinda said...

I thought you said you were just adding your BEST status updates...

MiMi said...

OH, and the unicorn poop one kills me too. LOL!

Laraine Eddington said...

hmmm. I think I need to be your facebook friend.

The Church Lady said...

Love the status updates Cheese! Keep em coming!

Connie said...

One minute short term memory...loss.

Why would anyone take a picture of people wearing spandex at Walmart? Isn't that normal attire? Try wearing a suit!! (Not a swim suit, that too is expected)

Kate said...

My favorites were the rhetorical question and Shoe shopping.

Nicole said...

All funny, but the Butterfinger bit is a public service, good American. You should have a library named after you.

Lourie said...

I don't remember the unicorn one. HAHAHAHA. Very funny. And about not farting in public but blowing your nose...how about PICKING it in your car!? Yeah I want to see that.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I lost it on the trend setter comment!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

You really should and could write for Conan or any other comedian. You're even funnier. I love so many of these. I think my favorite is the one about the forest and trees. I also really like "Copy and paste this as your status report."
xoRobyn

Cluttered Brain said...

lol..I love your answer about brown in the rainbow...You are horrible...
And yet so funny....

Julie said...

You got me at Prince Will living with grandma and the unicorn one.

Bossy Betty said...

Great!! You know, you're right about the Royal Family.

"Miss Bee" said...

The toothpick in the Butterfinger one is my favorite, with the Kate Middleton marrying a balding man a close second.

M-Cat said...

ANd every one of them make me laugh all over again. I still picture your kid giving you the bird.

The Stiffs said...

I may or may not have peed myself. I don't know if I should add you as a friend or if it's more fun to hear them all at once. Finally, magical creatures poop and it's brown? Now I'm all disappointed.

Crystal Pistol said...

WHO WROTE MY LAST POST?... I'm so scared.

I wish I didn't know exactly what this feels like... And who DID put that bump behind my knee??

♥α§ђ£ε¥™♥ said...

These sound familiar....which am I on, your facebook, or twitter? Or do you post the same to both? Either way, I laugh when you post. Then to see it all summed up in a post is great too. Then I can laugh at the ones I may have missed on a busy day (like today)

Jenn said...

I do the same thing with the microwave!!! LOL We're so cool.. we've saved the world time and time again!!

Cheryl said...

If my Facebook page was half that funny, I would actually get hooked on it. Mine has status updates that say things like "I really like Light and Fit yogurt" Like or Dislike. Really.. do I need to know that they like yogurt? Should I care?

Pearl said...

I laughed out loud several times, and I don't do that often.

You're just plain funny, that's what you are.

Pearl

TisforTonya said...

I can't believe I missed so many of these whilst doing things OTHER than staring at Twitter...

obviously I should stay glued to the computer more?

and I was going to be all pissy about you being at my local Shoe Carnival and me not knowing so I could come stalk you... but then I remembered that day I was actually "not hiking" at Zion... (no, that doesn't make sense... you had to be there... or I'll have to blog about it... someday...)

Ally said...

Some of these are hard to imagine as real. The Stevie Wonder one also reminds me of how a few weeks ago I wished Melissa Gilbert a happy birthday via tweet. She didn't acknowledge me :(

Lisa Loo said...

I pick short term memory loss,hypochondria and paranoia for $600, Alex...

For some reason, short term memory loss can entertain me for hours..like in the movie 50 First Dates....maybe there is something my family isn't telling me.....

Mommy Lisa said...

I loved this one - trees are forest, moron.

Kev D. said...

"Copy and paste this as your status for the day."

Brilliant.

Flea said...

I think I saw at least half of these on FaceCrack. Read several aloud to whomever was standing around at the time. What fun!

Joann Mannix said...

I can rest easy now, knowing you are the one second man, saving all of us.

I can't spell restaurant either without looking it up first! What is that about? Must be a common genetic mutation all geniuses have.

Missy said...

LOL! Love the Glue post!!!

Donna said...

...so many of these are going to my son who loves these kind of things......you are so clever! thank you for the laughs!!!

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

I have to admit, the stopping the microwave one with one second left was my favorite, don't know why.
The last one was pretty great too. :D

SueLovesCherries said...

Many words of wisdom here, Abe! And, yes, it is Tuesday today. Many bloggers like to get a jump start of the memes (Who invented that word, anyways? I hate it!)they participate in. Plus, if I didn't do Rednesday on Tuesdays, I'd probably completely forget about it!

Emmy said...

Lol! The microwave one. I often stop it early too- I must subconsciously know what will happen if it goes off :)

Silver Strands said...

keep 'em coming cheeseboy. We LOVE these!

Teachinfourth said...

Man, I wish I'd thought of saving the world when I stopped the microwave.

Curses.

Let's also hear it for unicorns...

Lazarus said...

Great posts Abe, I missed a few of these the first time around. And, of course, I ripped off your idea and posted the same on mine earlier tonight (of my Facebook posts, not yours, I'm not that big of a thief!) Thanks for the idea!

Corrina Terry said...

Thanks for making me laugh! (Again!) :O)

Pedaling said...

because I don't facebook every day, I missed some of your best!

Chris Phillips said...

Stevie Wonder one is phenomenal. I hate the feeling that I get because I only know it's someone's birthday because facebook told me, it's cheapening.

Amanda said...

Oh my God, the one about Stevie Wonder made me giggle forever!

Kelley said...

I am laughing out loud at so many of these. I love the Asics/New Balance one. That is hilarious! I also feel like a superhero when I enter the room with one second left on the microwave. I have such amazing intuition. Love the rhetorical question post. Lastly, I love the restaurant post. Ha! I tease my husband mercilessly because he misspelled that once. Or twice. How did I miss these when they actually happened??

Mindy said...

Microwave, unicorn, and this: Every girl in the world can look at Kate Middleton and say, "I too can marry a jobless bald guy that still lives with his grandmother." My thoughts exactly.

Thanks for giving a very pregnant and uncomfortable gal a good laugh! I always love these posts.

Marnie said...

these were all good, but the Stevie Wonder comment was the best. Oh so was the last one on this post. I am sure that kid got a visual!

Stacy Q said...

Awww, I loved that!!!! As I have thusfar refused to get on facebook myself, I appreciate your updates.

And I too have to google restaurant/restaraunt every time I twitter to my husband that I want to go out to eat.

DEZMOND said...

the poop and the unicorn? I mean, really! :)

Megan said...

holy crap you are funny. I mean you're even way funnier than pooping unicorns. and they are funny!