I am ALWAYS behind these old people in line at Subway.
What can I get for you today?
What do you want honey?
[Grumbles] Oh, I don't know. You just pick something out for us. Whatever.
Okay, I think we'll have the ham.
Footlong or six inch?
Oh, I don't know. How much is the difference?
About six inches.
No, in money.
Oh. A footlong is five dollars. A six inch is three fifty.
Well, it makes sense for us to get the footlong then. What do you think honey?
[Grumbles] Uh, I don't know. Sure.
Can you eat that much? A whole six inches?
[Grumbles] Yeah, yeah. Get me the six inch.
I think we'll have the foot long then. Can you cut it in half for us? Is that extra?
No it's free to have it cut in half. And what kind of bread do you want it on?
Honey, the bread... what kind of bread do you want it on.
[Grumbles] I don't know. Whatever. I'll eat it.
What kind of bread do you have?
We have: wheat, flatbread, hearty Italian, honey oat, Italian or white, herbs and cheese, Monterey cheddar, parmesan, roasted garlic or a wrap.
Do any of those sound good honey?
[Grumbles] I don't care, you choose. Whatever.
Hm, the Italian white sounds good. What were the other kinds again?
Wheat, flatbread, hearty Italian, honey oat, herbs and cheese, Monterey cheddar, parmesan, roasted garlic or a wrap.
What's a wrap? I don't know what a wrap is. Can you tell me about this wrap? Sounds crazy. Wrap. It sounds interesting. - - Honey, they have wraps!
It's just a tortilla.
Oh. Well, parmesan gives me cankers, I can't eat that. We'll get Italian white.
Great. Footlong ham on white. And what kind of cheese would you like?
Honey, what kind of cheese do you want?
Cheese! She's asking what kind of cheese we want.
[Grumbles] Oh, uh, whatever. I don't care.
Hm, what kind of cheeses do you have?
We have American, Cheddar, Pepperjack, Provolone and Swiss.
Is the Pepperjack spicy?
Yes, it is kinda spicy.
Oh, no. That would not be good for Carl's condition.
- - I SAID YOU CAN'T HAVE SPICY FOOD CARL! GIVES YOU THE RUNS, REMEMBER?!
[Grumbles] Oh right. Yeah.
I guess we'll have the provolone. It sounds pleasant.
Great. Do you want it toasted?
You can do that?!
Yeah, we can toast it for you.
Do you want it toasted Carl?
Toasted? Do you want it toasted?
[Grumbles] I don't care. Whatever.
Does it cost extra?
No, it's free.
Yeah, go ahead and toast it. That sounds good.
They're going to toast it for us honey. Something new they do, I guess. It's free.
Okay and what do you want on it?
What do you have?
Is this your first time at Subway?
No we come once, sometimes twice a week. We always stop on the way home from Carl's Proctologist appointments.
Oh. Well, all these vegetables you see here.
Are those banana peppers?
No, no banana peppers.
Do you have olives?
Do you want olives Carl?
I guess give us some olives.
Do you want lettuce?
Oh, you have lettuce??? Yeah put some lettuce on there.
Oh NO! NO TOMATOES! No! Yuck. Ew. No.
Are they sweet or dill?
Yeah, give us some pickles. But not too many. Like a baby handful or so.
Are they hot?
Carl can't have hot food. [Whispering] Gives him the runs.
Do you want any other vegetables?
Hm. Green peppers. But only on my side. Carl doesn't like them.
[Grunting] Hm?! What?
I was just telling the lady how you hate green peppers.
[Grunting] Right. Green peppers. Can't stand them. Nasty!
Would you like any condiments? Mayo?
Oh, mayonnaise. You should just call it mayonnaise. That's what it's name is. Is it fat free?
Do you want the fat free?
You have both?
Yeah, give me the fat free.
Mustard. Carl likes mustard. Not spicy though. [Winks]
Do you have sprouts back there?
Didn't you have sprouts last week?
I swear we got sprouts last week. Carl, did we get sprouts last week?
[Grumbles] I don't know.
Sorry, we don't have sprouts.
That's a shame. A real shame. You should get sprouts.
Okay. That will be five dollars and twenty three cents.
Wait. You said it was five dollars for a footlong.
You got a footlong.
Oh, right. Let me get out my checkbook.
I'm sorry, we don't take checks.
We haven't accepted checks since 1999.
Oh. Hold on. I think I have it in quarters then.
Okay, here it is. Five dollars and... ten.... twenty...one... and two.
Alright, thanks. Have a great day!
Oh wait, Carl did you want a drink?
[Grumbles] Yeah, damn right I want a drink!
Carl wants a drink. How much is a drink.
What size do you want?
Carl, what size? WHAT SIZE DRINK DO YOU WANT?
[Grumbles] Diet Coke with a lemon.
NO, SIZE. WHAT SIZE?!
[Grumbles] Small. Give me a small.
How much is a small?
Ninety nine cents.
Hold on. I think I have it in nickels.
Sixty five... Seventy... Seventy five... Eighty... and there you go.
Thanks. Have a good day.
[Turns to me] Sorry about the wait, sir.
Abe: Me too.