Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Subway: Eat fresh! (Hope it's still "fresh" after waiting for this.)

I am ALWAYS behind these old people in line at Subway.

What can I get for you today?
What do you want honey?

[Grumbles] Oh, I don't know.  You just pick something out for us. Whatever.

Okay, I think we'll have the ham.

Footlong or six inch? 
Oh, I don't know.  How much is the difference?

About six inches.
No, in money.

Oh. A footlong is five dollars.  A six inch is three fifty.
Well, it makes sense for us to get the footlong then.  What do you think honey?

[Grumbles] Uh, I don't know.  Sure.

Can you eat that much?  A whole six inches?

[Grumbles] Yeah, yeah.  Get me the six inch.

I think we'll have the foot long then.  Can you cut it in half for us? Is that extra?

No it's free to have it cut in half.  And what kind of bread do you want it on?
Honey, the bread... what kind of bread do you want it on.

[Grumbles] I don't know.  Whatever.  I'll eat it.

What kind of bread do you have?

We have: wheat, flatbread, hearty Italian, honey oat, Italian or white, herbs and cheese, Monterey cheddar, parmesan, roasted garlic or a wrap. 
Do any of those sound good honey?

[Grumbles] I don't care, you choose.  Whatever.

Hm, the Italian white sounds good.  What were the other kinds again?

Wheat, flatbread, hearty Italian, honey oat, herbs and cheese, Monterey cheddar, parmesan, roasted garlic or a wrap.
What's a wrap?  I don't know what a wrap is.  Can you tell me about this wrap?  Sounds crazy. Wrap. It sounds interesting.  - - Honey, they have wraps!

It's just a tortilla. 
Oh.  Well, parmesan gives me cankers, I can't eat that.  We'll get Italian white.

Great.  Footlong ham on white.  And what kind of cheese would you like?
Honey, what kind of cheese do you want?


Cheese!  She's asking what kind of cheese we want.

[Grumbles] Oh, uh, whatever.  I don't care.

Hm, what kind of cheeses do you have?

We have American, Cheddar, Pepperjack, Provolone and Swiss.
Is the Pepperjack spicy?

Yes, it is kinda spicy.
Oh, no.  That would not be good for Carl's condition.



[Grumbles] Oh right. Yeah.

I guess we'll have the provolone.  It sounds pleasant.

Great.  Do you want it toasted?
You can do that?!

Yeah, we can toast it for you.
Do you want it toasted Carl?

[Grumbles] What?

Toasted? Do you want it toasted?

[Grumbles] I don't care.  Whatever.

Does it cost extra?

No, it's free.
Yeah, go ahead and toast it.  That sounds good.


They're going to toast it for us honey.  Something new they do, I guess.  It's free.

Okay and what do you want on it?
What do you have?

Is this your first time at Subway?
No we come once, sometimes twice a week. We always stop on the way home from Carl's Proctologist appointments.

Oh.  Well, all these vegetables you see here.  
Are those banana peppers?

No, no banana peppers.

Anything else?
Do you have olives?

Do you want olives Carl?


I guess give us some olives.

Do you want lettuce?
Oh, you have lettuce???  Yeah put some lettuce on there.

Oh NO!  NO TOMATOES! No! Yuck. Ew. No.

Okay...  Pickles?
Are they sweet or dill?

Yeah, give us some pickles.  But not too many.  Like a baby handful or so.

Hot peppers?
Are they hot?

Carl can't have hot food. [Whispering] Gives him the runs.

Do you want any other vegetables? 
Hm. Green peppers.  But only on my side.  Carl doesn't like them.

[Grunting] Hm?! What?

I was just telling the lady how you hate green peppers.

[Grunting] Right. Green peppers. Can't stand them. Nasty!

Would you like any condiments? Mayo?
What's mayo?

Oh, mayonnaise.  You should just call it mayonnaise.  That's what it's name is.  Is it fat free?

Do you want the fat free?
You have both?

Yeah, give me the fat free.

Anything else?
Mustard.  Carl likes mustard. Not spicy though. [Winks]

Do you have sprouts back there?

Didn't you have sprouts last week?

I swear we got sprouts last week.  Carl, did we get sprouts last week?

HUH?! What?


[Grumbles] I don't know.

Sorry, we don't have sprouts. 
That's a shame.  A real shame. You should get sprouts.

Okay. That will be five dollars and twenty three cents. 
Wait. You said it was five dollars for a footlong.

You got a footlong.
Oh, right.  Let me get out my checkbook.

I'm sorry, we don't take checks. 

We haven't accepted checks since 1999.
Oh.  Hold on.  I think I have it in quarters then.

[Grumbles] Hungry.

Okay, here it is.  Five dollars and... ten.... and two.

Alright, thanks.  Have a great day!
Oh wait, Carl did you want a drink?

[Grumbles] Yeah, damn right I want a drink!

Carl wants a drink.  How much is a drink.

What size do you want?
Carl, what size?  WHAT SIZE DRINK DO YOU WANT?

[Grumbles] Diet Coke with a lemon.


[Grumbles] Small. Give me a small.

How much is a small?

Ninety nine cents.
Hold on.  I think I have it in nickels.

Sixty five... Seventy... Seventy five... Eighty... and there you go.

Thanks. Have a good day.
You too.

[Turns to me] Sorry about the wait, sir.
Abe: Me too.


laughingmom said...

Please stop following my parents into Subway - they are getting paranoid about the weird guy that is always behind them in line.

RottenMom said...

I find it highly suspicious that you could rattle off all of the bread and cheese choices. Part time job or eat there way too often?!

-stephanie- said...

Jared's parents can do anything they want at Subway. It made their son thin and wealthy.

Kristina P. said...

I'm surprised there wasn't a single phallic joke in the six inch and foot long conversation.

Mindy said...

The check joke is so classic. I always get stuck behind the check writers in the grocery store line. Unbelievably, they also never, ever have their checkbook or pen ready ahead of time.

Kate said...

Gah. I need extra blood pressure after just reading this. I ate a lot of subway this weekend, partly bc I like it and partly bc of the nice guy there who had no way to comfort the crazy sobbing lady except free food.

Corrina Terry said...

Please tell me this didn't REALLY happen to you?!?!?! But you live in Utah, the land of the hearing-aide wearers, so it probably did. ;o)

Lisa Loo said...

Living in the middle of nowhere Montana as I do, Subway is the only fast food restaurant that we have. It is a completely different experience here. Not in a good way......

M said...

I can't believe you called me and Splenda daddy old.....

Amanda said...

I choked on the cookie my children forced me to buy while reading this... hee!!!

Dana @ WhatWereWeThinking? said...


Additionally, I always choose the wrong check-out lanes.

baygirl32 said...

I feel I need a break and a glass of wine to relax now, holy cripes

mintifresh said...

I'm sorry you're always behind my in laws.

Pedaling said...

it made me crazy, just reading this.

Desperate Housemommy said...

*wistfully* If everyone were as easy as my Twin B:


White bread.

End o'story.

Lourie said...

I think I have seen that couple before!

"Miss Bee" said...

Shut up! Those same people were in front of me like 2 weeks ago! They must have been visiting family in my area. I assume they were on vacation because they also added a cookie.

tammy said...

I see you've eaten with Luvpilot's parents before.

I should start doing blog posts about them. Except no one would believe them.

Glamazon said...

Oh heavens, this couple is ONLY in front of me when I have all four children with me, one is poopy, and one is crying. By the end I am the one crying. Or maybe that is the people behind me in line.

Ps-your forgot when they ask for the 'senior discount' :)

Oilfield Trash said...

That happens to me every damn time I go to subway.

Julie said...

Yep. Ran into the same people at Lowe's. Told my husband they'd be dead before they got their cabinets if it was taking them this long to order them.

The Church Lady said...

Soooo, did you get Skitttles with that or no?

TrevnMe said...

I laughed so hard I had to run to the bathroom. Thankfully, not for the same reason Carl runs to the bathroom.
One time at Subway, a guy ordered a pepperoni wrap with mustard. Then he ate it.
I've never been back.

Cheryl said...

Oh, yeh, there are hoards of the indecisive among us. They are rampant. I was getting "twitchy" just reading it.

Connie said...

Oh dear. I'm going to be with my parents tomorrow. I hope they don't choose to go to Subway. Usually they want to go to Golden Corral. I'm sure if my kids read this post, they'd be saying the same thing about me!

p.s. I'm not going to say anything about the weight of the workers in the picture. They must go to Burger King for their breaks.

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

You must be frequenting the joint getting ready for your break dancing gig, eh? Gunna have to take Mike there after his next "appointment" and see if we run into these old folks! Thanks for the laugh.

Impulsive Addict said...

NOTE TO YOU: Next time you walk in and get behind an older couple, remember this post and WALK OUT. Just make a sandwich at home or drive through Taco Hell or your local pizza joint. It will be less stress and won't cause build up anger issues that you'll need to deal with in therapy.

My advice is free today. You are welcome.

Dolly said...

My Eldest son serves the Subway crowds down in Southern Utah!!! Wahoo-Go Subway! I personally know how much work it takes to finish an order...cause we can't talk till he's done working:/

Mom said...

I actually ate at a Subway this week for the first time in about 3 years. I FELT like that lady...they just have way too many options. All I wanted was a club and by the time she was finished asking me questions I wanted to beat myself with it!

Crystal Pistol said...

I'm starting to get nervous about the days when "hot stuff" gives me the runs and mustard is exciting enough to inspire a wink.

I'm 34. Next month I'll be 35!!! That's only 57 years away from shuffling my way through Subway in an adult diaper!

Does anybody else freak out when they realize we ARE ROTTING..? Right this MINUTE?

I gotta go lay down.

Craving Subway now though. You shoud do commercials. said...

I laughed all the way through this. I always make them go through the types of bread and cheese and peppers when I go to subway. But I've never gone therew with someone named Carl or around the time of a Proctology appt.

Kelloggsville said...

There should be a 'fast track no questions asked' lane. Choice just confuses people, that's why McDs do so well! You can have something unhealthy that tastes like crap or something unhealthy that tastes like crap s'easy!

Kelly said...

First thing I noticed was that the workers aren't wearing any gloves. This must be an old photo.

Funny stuff Abe....

Mamma has spoken said...

I feel your pain.....
Next post needs to be when the person ordering doesn't speak English. Yes this has happen to me a couple of times......

lvankuiken said...

I think I've been in line behind those same people! lol

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I so agree with Mindy! If you know you're going to write a check, have it ready! Don't wait and then look surprised when the salesperson asks for payment. Did you think it was free?

Jenn said...

Hey, Chris and I were having our weekly night out, he gets cranky, I get cranky, we can't help it. It's not nice to make fun of us, old people you know!!! :)

Rita/Fighting Off Frumpy said...

This is so true! I think there's a couple like this at EVERY Subway.

Funny stuff, Abe!

Oddyoddyo13 said...

I could NEVER work at Subway. Nobody there can really decide what they want, and halfway through when the people in front of us are ordering I just want to bang my head against the counter.

Tony Van Helsing said...

Great ear for dialogue. I was getting impatient just reading this, I wanted to slap Carl in the back of the neck.

Bossy Betty said...

It's OK. THose are artists behind the counter. They understand.

Susan in the Boonies said...

Thumbs up!!! Carl likes it!!!

Sunny said...

Hilarious! Sooooooo, um, you shoved them eventually, right? It's totally fine to shove old people when they are too slow. Its a little known social norm. Try it next time. Tell them Sunny said its okay. 'kay : )

TisforTonya said...

what? they didn't have a coupon somewhere? obviously you have a higher class of elderly Subway eaters up North.

Tom said...

So true. There are too many choices for some people. I just happened to stop at Subway for lunch yesterday in a big hurry. I was lucky enough to be in line behind several people who were taking orders for their entire office.

Michael said...

Imagine the ramifications of that couple at a Chuck-a-Rama on a Fast Sunday. Somebody is not getting out alive.

Dave said...

I once got stuck behind some old folks in the self checkout line at IKEA who were feeding a wad of severely wrinkled small bills into the bill acceptor. Longest three hours of my life.

Esther said...

I'm exhausted after reading this post! And I never want to go to Subway again!

Holly said...

WOW!!! LOL!! Frustrating... no doubt of it...
OK, my bad... I thought you were going to go somewhere else with the 6" vs footlong thing, too... *SIGH*

Mommy Lisa said...

tee hee hee. give Carl some jalepeno's on his half.

Gigi said...

Bwahaha! You nailed it, as usual!!!!

You're staring at your future, you realize this? Just sayin.

Kathy said...

@ Mindy...
We never EVER have our checks out and ready because we never know when some creepy guy will be standing behind us memorizing and/or writing down everything we say, get our personal info then steal our identities!!! ;-)

clutteredbrain said...

Was this an actual conversation?
Sounds like YOUR parents...not mine of

Not Just Another Jennifer said...

Bwa ha ha!!!

Lindsay Blogs said...

The fact that you were able to name every single bread, cheese, vegetable and condiment makes me wonder...How much time do you spend at Subway, exactly? And yes, I always get stuck behind THOSE people.

Stolen Sentiments said...

Bahahaha. That might have been my grandpa...

Joann Mannix said...

So, I am seriously Type A. I'm talking seriously. For instance, when my kids were small, I trained them to go as fast as I do and every time they'd have a friend over, I'd be all, "Is there something wrong with that kid? They move so slow?" The point is, I do everything fast and I have a very low tolerance for those who don't. I guess I'd make a crappy first grade teacher. Heh.

I would have been full of the indignant sighs by the time they got to foot long and then I'd be ordering for them. And I'd race to get out to my car before them, because if they were driving in front of me? Well, let's just say you don't want to know the rest.

Marnie said...

I wonder if they have family out here? I seem to always be behind them waiting!!

The Bipolar Diva said...

just be glad you're not behind my family when we order! Lately I've gotten to where I order them all the same. The kids don't like something they can take it off or not eat!

Lazarus said...

Awesome, and very close to accurate!

♥α§ђ£ε¥™♥ said...

I hate when that can they not know what they want when they go 1-2 times a week? wtf? Alzheimers? (and no, I'm not making fun, I'm seriously thinking they might have it, if they can't even remember who likes what).

I know I hated working in retail when people would "just forget one thing" or "can't find the card" or "writing a check"....Poor employee.

My sub? 6 inch chicken breast on Italian herbs and cheese, double American cheese, not toasted, lettuce, tomato, pickle, cucumber, bell peppers (how can someone not like bell peppers?), black olives, no drink, no chips (I get a drink elsewhere because I hate Coca-Cola products). Does that mean

Hart Johnson said...

*dies* I didn't know this couple traveled! I have so been behind them at Subway! *snort*

Hutch said...

My anxiety went up just reading that! I clearly need to work on my patience :)

Emmy said...

Yes how often do you eat there? You seem to know the menu pretty well....though I guess when you are waiting that long you could probably memorize the constitution.

Charlotte said...

I swear I was behind these people just last week. Did they also talk so slowly you began to wonder if time was actually beginning to stand still?

Ally said...

Too funny! I just bitched about being online behind oldies at Starbucks. I was only there to purchase a bottle of water. Ironically, I ran next door to Subway - luckily NO LINE! When I told the cashier my story, she said, and just think, we charge much less for a bottle of Dasani, then that fancy shiz they sell at Starbucks!

Kelley said...

That is hilarious!! My favorite part was "baby handful". Ha! Actually, all the parts were my favorite part.

Kristen said...

I was in Subway today behind a guy who told the girl to make him "whatever". No joke. I had no idea people do this kind of thing. She put every item they had on his sandwich, and he loved it. She couldn't even close it up. At this point it is no longer healthy in case you wondered.

Unknown Mami said...

I think you may have taken some artistic liberty with this because you see where I live, they do charge extra for toasting it.

Tanya said...

ohmygosh...what about the "just a few onions" "nope, that's too much" "too little" or the "can I have more tomatoes? More. More." Sigh, yes I worked at Subway as a teenager. Fun times.