Thursday, September 30, 2010

Improv Everywhere Clip of the Day: Star Wars Subway Car

Improv Everywhere is one of my favorite things in life. Here is one of their latest missions, surprising subway passengers in the The Star Wars Subway Car.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

At the 20 year 80's sitcom reunion...

Benson: ORDER PLEASE! ORDER! Will everyone please take their seats?  Please sit down, we've got a lot of catching up to do tonight.

Tootie: Sorry I'm late everybody.  Natalie fell off the back of Joe's motorcycle and we're pretty sure she broke her hip.  I told her she was too big for the back of that death-trap.

Heathcliff Huxtable: Are they outside?  I am a doctor you know.  I deliver babies in my basement.

Tootie: She'll be fine.  Bull is carrying her over his shoulder to the hospital.  By the way, when are you going to retire Dr. Huxtable? And don't you think it's a little creepy that you have stirrups in your basement?


Heathcliff Huxtable: This coming from a forty year old woman that still goes by the name of "Tootie"...

Balki Bartokomous: That is exactly why we have extended seat motorcycles in Mypos... for the larger ladies of the island.

Tony Micelli: My bike has the 900 horsepower!

Henry Warnimont: OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN!  Will Tony ever shut up about that blasted bike?!

Tony Micelli: So, tell us Henry, how did Punky's breast reduction surgery go?

Joey: WHOA!

Henry Warnimont: Tony, if I weren't 97, I'd climb over this table and punch you right in that Italian face of yours.

Judge Harry T. Stone: I know what would break up the tension - anyone want to see a magic trick?

Cliff Claven: It's a little known fact that magic tricks were derived from Prince Juniper's foray into the mystical world of the pre-pimphood lifestyle in the early 1600's...

Mr. Belvadere: Shut it, sir.  Has anyone seen Wesley.  WES-LEY?!

Ricky Stratton: He's outside hitting on that robot chick.  The one that's pretty and bright with soft curls.


Mr. Belvadere: The girl unlike other girls, Ricky?

Ricky Stratton: Yes, and it's Rick.  Rick.

Mr. Belvadere: Thanks Ricky.  I'm surprised she finally came out of the cabinet.

Ricky Stratton: It's Rick.

Buddy Lembeck: Can we hurry this up?  Charles and I have to meet the girls up at the lake.

ALF: HAAA! I thought you said there was going to be cat on the menu?


Nell Carter: And I thought there was going to be vacuumed fish.

Mike Seaver:  Wha-cha-talkin-bout Nell?

Willis Drummond: Not cool, Mike.  Not cool. By the way where's Boner?

Larry: Hi, my name is Larry and this is my brother Darryl and this is my other brother Darryl.

Benson: Would you all please just SHUT UP?

Joey: WHOA!

Monday, September 27, 2010

This week in Cheeseboy Facebook status updates.

I give a lot of thought to my facebook status updates.  Here is a rundown of the past couple weeks:

Today at 8:32 PM: A first grader came up to me at recess today and said, "Someone wrote 'Flick you benches!' with a marker on the slide." I told her thank you and I was grateful she couldn't read well yet.

Friday at 4:57 PM: With the new facebook movie coming out today, I have to think that they will at least make mention of my epic status updates in the sequel.

September 22 at 5:22 PM: Two separate headlines on today USAToday.com about KFC:
1. KFC tries to revive founder's prestige 
2. KFC pays college women for ad space on buns

September 21 at 3:37 PM: Glee starts it's second season tonight. I wonder if this will be the episode that the teacher realizes his students are the same age as him?

September 15 at 4:58 PM: If I could marry any famous woman it would be Jamie Lee Curtis because she writes childrens books, is rich and free yogurt.

September 16 at 8:26 PM: My 8-year-old son had much more fun at The Lion King with mom than the Utah game with dad. I think the main problem is that football games do not have enough dancing fuzzballs singing corny Elton John songs.

September 17 at 6:40 PM: Lincoln was chosen to sing a solo in his school choir. Thinking of giving him a mohawk and renaming him Puck.

And for those of you that might be interested watching my son's solo, here he is in his debut at the local Barnes and Noble.  Barnes and Noble is actually kinda like the Hard Rock Cafe of the literary third grade world.  Unless you are an immediate family member of the Cheese, don't feel obligated to watch, unless you want to; in which case, he is the adorable kid in the middle that can't figure out what to do with the paper in his hand. (He sings verse 2)




Friday, September 24, 2010

This is how big of a moron I am.

Actual thoughts I've had in the past 3 months.

- I think that I can actually make money on my blog now by using Google ads!

- I don't know if I have enough readers.  Maybe?  But it's free, so I am going to try it.

[2 weeks pass]

- It says here I have made 16 cents. That's it?!  I guess I won't be quitting my day job any time soon.  This is bogus.

[2 weeks pass]

- I wonder what would happen if I clicked on my own ads? I mean, they want people to visit the ads, right?  What do they care if it is me or some other knucklehead?  Visitors is visitors, right?

[2 weeks pass]

- $38?! This is incredible!  I have to start telling my wife to start clicking on the ads every time she visits too.  Now I really WILL be able to give up my day job soon.

[2 weeks pass] 

- $72?!  I'll be getting my first check soon.  I'm buying a new iPod.  No, a new back scratcher.  No, a new iPod, back scratcher combo: WITH a separate remote control.

- I am doubling my efforts - clicking twice as often.  I mean, the companies that pay for advertising like a lot of hits.  The more times I visit their site, the better chances I will eventually end up BUYING something!  They'll love me for this.

- I am a blog marketing genus.

[2 weeks pass]

- This email from Google is ridiculous!  What do they mean I "signed the agreement"?!  No one reads those stupid things.  Sure I clicked agree, but I thought I was simply agreeing to collecting money - boatloads and boatloads of money.

[2 weeks later - talking to a friend]

Friend: You thought you could get paid to click on your own ads?

Me: Yeah, so?

Friend: You're a moron.

Me: Yeah, I know. But I'm blogging this, so I win.

Friend: So, you'd rather have fodder over cash?

Me: I guess I don't have a choice now, do I?

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

How I can keep my 'man-card' while watching Glee.

I'll admit it, I watch Glee.

It's not something I am proud of.  Or it is something I am proud of? Or am I not?  I'm still not really sure.

One thing is for certain: I enjoy watching Glee. I can justify my Glee adoration by maintaining my manliness while enjoying an episode.  Here's how it's done:

1. First of all, I always watch Glee while eating a steak, covered in beef jerky and hot sauce. 

2. When the kids sing a show tune from a musical, I always turn to my wife and say, "I've never heard this song.  Is it from one of those flamboyant, singalong loopy-doop plays you enjoy?" I do this even if I know exactly where the song is from.

3. If it seems as if the show is going to make me cry, I wake up one of my sons and have them punch me as hard as they can in the stomach while yelling, "BUCK UP, NANCY!"

4. During the obviously fake football scenes, I say things like, "They really should have run a screen there.  They would have had a much better chance for a first down - what with the way the linebackers are cheating up on the line."

5. When the "kids" in the show suddenly break out in song for no real reason, I ask questions like, "Where are all the instruments?" and "How do they just know the words so well?"

6. During long, drawn out love songs, I try and figure out if there is a slushie machine in the school or if there is a 7-11 across the street.  Where are all these slushies coming from and why haven't they been outlawed at this school yet?  How many slushies must be thrown before the madness ends?

7. Every time the teacher sings a sappy song from Les Miserables, I look at my waxed arm and wonder what kind of horrid turns my life has taken lately.

8. During boring, extensive singing scenes, I imagine how much more awesome the show would be if all the characters were actually Muppets.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Dear Diary: An excerpt from adult Disneyland regular Kevin's journal.

This post was inspired by a man I met while waiting in line at Disneyland 3 years ago.  This man (age 32) had been to Disneyland every day of his life for 8 straight years.  He knew all the workers by name and knew the inside and out of the park.  The following is an exert from his diary:

Not Disneyland. The fam at Disneyworld.
Dear Diary,


Today marks my 2,459th straight day in Disneyland and I must say, I can feel the throbbing pain deep in my thighs.   Fortunately, I only wore one fanny pack, as opposed to my normal three, so my weight was more evenly distributed for maximum wait times. I also wore my new pair of Velcro Cars shoes with inserts so that my feat would remain stable for the parade that would be held later in the eve.


Cast Member Aaron was a real dip-wad today. He was all, "Hey Kevin, isn't Alice In Wonderland a little babyish for you?!"  And I was like, "You're the baby!  You're the one wearing the green overall Capri's and ruffled pirate shirt!"   

He got all huffy when I showed him my year round pass and told him that he was a subservient theme park worker.  IN YOUR FACE AARON!  

The train only circled the park 117 times today, as opposed to it's normal average of 139.  Must have been oodles of stroller passengers, what with their "extra folding time" and their failure to understand the conductor's stern "Passengers with small children should sit away from the aisles" warning.  Morons!

My mom packed me a tuna sandwich today.  I tell her every day, "I DON'T WANT TUNA, MA!  CHIP AND DALE CAN SMELL IT ON ME!  THEY WON'T GET THEIR PICTURE WITH ME!"  Then she has the audacity to tell me to get a job and stop living in my youth.   It's not that I don't appreciate the tuna, it's just that I always end up buying a churro and tossing the sandwich anyway.  But mom doesn't understand that.  She just wants to yell at me for never dating and not eating enough Omega 3's.

I'm 32 years old, I think I can make my own decisions, Ma!

Speaking of dating, I swear Ariel winked at me from her Grotto today.  That's like the third day in a row.  I am thinking of asking her out, but I worry about where our children would attend school.  I prefer they attend the little one in Toon Town.  I think Daisy teaches there.

The birds in the Tiki Room were on fire today!  I mean, they really had it going on!!!  Perfect pitch, excellent tone, an explosive finale.  I've never seen the fellas in such perfect rhythm. I gave them a 5 minute standing ovation.  Cast Member Carol had to finally kick me out because the next group was coming in.

I doubt that next group received the same grand performance as we did.


I drove the Autopia cars today, despite the hour long line.  When I got on, Cast Member Chuck was like, "Now Kevin, we tell you this every time, do not bump the car in front of you."  Chuck is an idiot. 


So, diary, another day down.  Tomorrow I think that I am going to head over to Tomorrow Land and catch Captain E-O before heading to the Peter Pan.  These people, they just get me.

(FYI, my apologies to all my blogging friends.  I have been extremely busy as of late.  I promise to get around to all your blogs asap.)

Friday, September 17, 2010

Cheeseboy Health Guide: How to painfully rid yourself of mouth fungus.

Of all the fungi, the mouth fungus rules the roost and by "rules the roost", I mean that I have no idea what that expression means. It seemed fitting.

I'm guessing that it probably has something to do with a bossy chicken, but it could also refer to Oprah's relationship with Steadman.

When I was 21 I somehow acquired a mouth fungus so nasty, I was asked repeatedly by drug addicts if they could take me to their dentist and harvest the mushrooms growing in my cheek.

I was living in Pennsylvania at the time, enjoying my religion's proverbial two-year hiatus from real life and new episodes of Frasier.   Apparently, it's a little known fact that the Amish have a very high rate of mouth fungi, which they pass on through delicious pies and well made furniture.

I certainly did not get the fungus through kissing as that would have involved kissing, which I had not done in nearly two years - the last time being with my current wife that "agreed" to "wait" for me to return.

Those of you that have had a mouth fungus know that it is about as fun as getting a hangnail pulled in the restroom of TGIF restaurant.  That is, if you can find a TGIF restaurant that is still in business.

I tried everything to get rid of the Smurf village living under my tongue: I visited two different "doctors", a Mennonite herbologist (no lie) and the Martin Guitar Company - that was of absolutely no help when it came to mouth fungus, but I thoroughly enjoyed learning the history of their amazing musical woodworking.

No one could figure out my oral malady and I was left to wander the streets of charming Nazareth, PA alone, wishing upon star after star for a new mouth.  I was known as "Cheeseboy of Nazareth".  (Alone meaning I was always with a companion.)

My final straw came while I was driving to a golf course one morning and vomited Mennonite herbs all over the front seat of our 1994 Chevy Taurus.

- In the history of time, I doubt that the above sentence has ever been blogged.  I occasionally like to point out sentences like this as it makes me feel like I am breaking some sort of obtuse blog record. - 

It was at that moment - in that puke infused Taurus - that I decided that there must be a change within the inner recesses of my mouth.  That afternoon, we drove home and I poured an entire cup of Scope mouthwash into my mouth.

For the next 30 minutes, I sat unwavering with Scope scorching my mouth innards.  I did not gargle, I did not spit, I did not rinse.  The Scope rested in my mouth while I cringed and winced and grunted and cried.  My roommate sat across the room from me and stared at my pain in disbelief. 

30 minutes of hellish agony passed.  Had Prince Humperdink known of this tremendous torture technique, he undoubtedly would have filled Westley's mouth with Scope or some sort of olden-days version of it. Fred Savage and his adorable Grandpa would have been flabbergasted.

I finally spit out what was left of the horrid mouth cleanser and returned to my chair in obvious pain. My entire mouth throbbed and my tongue felt like it was on fire. I pressed my tongue against the roof of my mouth and felt an immediate bolt of pain flow through my entire body.  The Scope had burned off every shred of skin from the roof and bottom of my mouth.

The good news was that the fungus was completely gone. 

For the next two weeks I ate no solid foods and drank nothing acidic.  I had a hard time sleeping as my tongue would bounce off the tender, mushy, skinless meat in my mouth.  Talking even became a chore but I soldiered on.  My bravery during this time was legendary. 

But the fungus was gone.  Gone forever.  I returned home two weeks later and was able to kiss my waiting future wife with minimal to maximum pain. 

Problem solved.  You see, I'm a tongues-on problem solver.

Next time: How to successfully rid yourself of head lice using only a bottle of rubbing alcohol and hedge clippers.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

How my life has mirrored the amazing movie career of Sir Brendan Fraser.

After much thought and research, I have determined that my life, for better and for worse, mirrors the career of the GREATEST ACTOR OF MY GENERATION, Brendan Fraser.


Brendan in 1992 - Encino Man - Brendan busts on the scene with the great Pauly Shore.. When they find a frozen caveman in their backyard, two high school outcasts thaw him out and introduce him to modern day life while he in turn, gets them to actually enjoy life. 

Abe in 1992 - Abe busts on the scene as a youthful, goofy chap full of endless energy, I am thawed to realities of high school and enjoy modern day life by spending Friday nights in my basement bedroom dreaming of Leah Thompson while listening to NBA basketball games on my clock radio.

Brendan in 1994 - Air Heads - Brendan and two other band members hoping for a big break, head to a radio station to play their demo tape and wind up holding everyone hostage with plastic guns when the head DJ refuses to play them.

Abe in 1994 - Abe is a founding member of the band "Bloody Stool" in which he and some buddies get together and hold each other hostage in an old Elementary school auditorium by playing terrible, terrible music. 

Brendan in 1997 - George of the Jungle - Brendan grows up in the jungle raised by apes.

Abe in 1997 - Abe grows up in Pennsylvania raised by the Amish. 

Brendan in 1999 - Blast from the Past - Brendan was a naive man who comes out into the world after being in a nuclear fallout shelter for 35 years and finding the love of his life.

Abe in 1999 - Abe was a naive man who comes out into the world after hiding from his evil Amish enemies in the back seat of a '91 Ford Taurus for 2 years.

Brendan in 2000 - Bedazzled - A hopeless dweeb, Brendan is granted 7 wishes by the devil to snare Allison, the girl of his dreams, in exchange for his soul.

Abe in 2000 -  Abe purchases a Bedazzler and uses it's powers to snare Cathi, the girl of his dreams, which he married two years previous.

Brendan in 2001 - The Mummy Returns -  Brendan battles the mummified body of Imhotep is shipped to a museum in London, where he once again wakes and begins his campaign of rage and terror.

Abe in 2001 - Abe begins watching Big Brother, where he witnesses the mummified remains of Julie Chen host. He promptly quits watching soon after.

Brendan in 2008 - Journey to the Center of the Earth - Brendan is on a quest to find out what happened to his missing brother, a scientist, his nephew and their mountain guide discover a fantastic and dangerous lost world in the center of the earth.

Abe in 2008 - On a quest to find out what happened to his half eaten Five Guys burger, Abe questions every household member and discovers a dangerous lost world in the bottom drawer of his refrigerator.

Brendan in 2010 - Furry Vengeance - In the Oregon wilderness, Brenden is a real estate developer's new housing subdivision faces a unique group of protesters, local woodland creatures who don't want their homes disturbed.

Abe in 2010 - On a Utah playground, Abe is a teacher that is attacked by a vomiting adolescent that would rather puke on his shoes than head to the sick room.

Clearly, my life mirrors the great acting roles of this truly magnificent actor.  It is an honor I shall never take for granted.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Music Monday Move Me: Corky St. Claire

I don't normally participate in memes, but XmasDolly talked me into this one.  I am supposed to share a favorite dance.  I'll go with Corky St. Claire's dance scene in my favorite movie of all time, Waiting For Guffman. 

Allow me to set up the clip:  Corky has been hired to choreograph some dance moves for a local community play.  In this scene, he is working it out and breaking it down in his living room.

If you have not seen this movie, there is not 30 seconds that go by that I am not laughing hysterically.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Three Broken Copy Machines: A Fairy Tale

Once upon a time - in a frightening land far, far away (The "west side" of the valley) - there lived three copy machines at an elementary school.

There was Papa copy machine; he had a fierce moan and shook when he was angry.

There was Mama copy machine; she was curvier, even less dependable, and had a eight-inch long C-section scar on her front chamber from giving birth to Baby copy machine.

There was Baby copy machine; he was smallest copy machine. Although he was also the newest, he broke down even more often than the others.  Baby copy machine was cute and adorable, but barely large enough to get both butt cheeks on - not that I have tried.  

One day, the three copy machines decided to go for a walk in the woods, and by that, I mean they all decided to break down on the same freaking day.

On that very same day, Little Red Riding Abe decided that he he would need to make copies for his first grade class.   He traveled through the halls, dropping bread crumbs to mark his path. The custodian then told him to "Knock it off!" and "You are no better than the kids!" and "Why the heck are you wearing that girly red cape around your neck?"

Upon reaching the Teacher's Work Room, Little Red Riding Abe was greeted by singing birds making a dress for the Reading Specialist out of yarn, craft sticks and a couple of glue sticks.  These pathetic singing birds were always involved in ridiculous crafts.

Little Red Riding Abe brushed the obnoxious birds into the wall using a large piece of construction paper and walked over to Baby copy machine. 

"Someones been jamming paper tray number 2!" 

Little Red Riding Abe tried Mama copy machine.

"Someones been improperly changing toner." 

Finally, Little Red Riding Abe ventured over to the Papa copy machine, even though he knew Papa was always grouchy and may even be in heat - as he often gets in mid September.

"Someones been hosing down Papa copy machine."

Frustrated, Little Red Riding Abe tried planting magical seeds in the corner that one of his first graders had handed to him during recess that day.  He hoped that a new copy machine would sprout and that a kindhearted giant would live in it's document handling unit.

Poor Riding Abe's hopes were soon dashed when the the Fairy God Principal walked in and asked why in the world he was pulling up the carpet and shoving navy beans under it. 

Little Red Riding Abe's answer did not satisfy the Fairy God Principal.  It was explained to Red Riding Abe that due to discretionary budget cuts in the district, there would be no way to repair the copy machine family until the Tuesday of next week.  

That poor, poor copy machine family.  The poor, poor faculty and staff.  There was much lamentation in the land.

- I do believe I am now mixing scripture speak with fairy tale speak.  My sincerest apologies. - 

Little Red Riding Abe decided to cut his losses and just run the 25 copies on his personal copier, Thumbelina. (Clearly much more cost effective for the district.) Unfortunately, his bread crumb trail leading back to his classroom had been vacuumed up by the three Billy Goat Sweeper Boys.  He was left to wander the halls, grasping for some sign of familiarity.

Fortunately, Little Red Riding Abe found cabin made of gumdrops, paperclips and red, rubber playground balls.  There he made a life for himself, eating leftover cafeteria lasagna and living off the land.

Eventually he died in an abandoned school bus due to ingestion of a poisonous plant.

(FYI: If you have not yet watched me wax my arm hair, it is in the post below.) 

Friday, September 10, 2010

The video you have all been wating for: I WAX MY ARM HAIR!

Well, I sincerely HOPE that this video is entertaining.  At the very least, it was entertaining to my wife who wanted to keep yanking the hair out of my arm until I screamed like a girl.  So, without further ado, here I am, waxing my arm hair.

video

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Learning about gravity and tornadoes in first grade.

While walking in from a fire drill, a young first grade girl tumbled across the grass in front of me. She stood up, brushed herself off, looked up at me and in her first grade lisp said:

"Never pick a fight with gwavity.  Gwavity always wins."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
While talking about the recess rules with the entire first grade, this same girl raises her hand.

"Would you like us to make the recess teacher aware if we see an oncoming tornado?"

(We do not generally have tornadoes in Utah.)

"Yes, I think we would like to be made aware of that."

"Are you going to tell us that we should head to the lowest point available?"

"Yes, the lowest point available."

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Future challenges for "Minute To Win It" to consider.

The upside down cup challenge.
I've only seen this show a couple times, but the challenges do seem a little silly and unpractical.  Here are some more feasable and commonplace challenges for the show to consider.

Contestants are given one minute to:

This could be a challenge!
1. Open 3 jars of Smuckers jelly.

2. Open 3 CDs without breaking a case.

3. Getting a 3 year old to finish dinner.

4. Buckle a toddler into a car seat.

5. Talk an 8-year-old into putting away his Nintendo DS so that he can come to dinner.

6. Load a dishwasher to a mother's approval.

7. Clean the puke out of bedsheets.

8. Get a fire alarm to stop beeping.

9. Get siblings to NOT touch each other in an annoying fashion.

10. Locate the single set of scissors in your house.

11. Find your screaming child's helmet in the crowded garage.

12. Go through a Target checkout without someone begging for candy.

13. Getting the Coke machine to take a crumpled dollar bill.

14. Being able to obtain a babysitter at the last minute.

15. Fully restart a computer with Windows 98.

16. Talk someone into going out and getting the Sunday paper.

17. Politely get off the phone with someone the caller ID calls "Toll Free".

18. Shake a wedged driver's license out of the bank drive-through bottle thing.

19. Give a FHE lesson to your obnoxious and arguing children.

20. Get to the actual menu on a DVD.

**Arm waxing video coming soon!

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Samson's Assistant Fetches the Jawbone of an Ass.

Samson: Bring me the jawbone of an ass! 

Assistant:  Uh, a what now?!

Samson: The jawbone of an ass!  Bring it to me henceforth!

Assistant: The jawbone?  I could get you a sword or a sling shot.  David's not using his anymore.

Samson: I shall slay 1,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass.   Bring me one now!

Assistant: I don't even know how to properly kill an ass, let alone pull the jawbone out of one.

Samson: Young sir, fetch me an ass jawbone.  The Philistines awaiteth their death and destruction!

Assistant: Uh huh. And... you think that you are going to kill them with the jawbone....

Samson: OF AN ASS!  YES!  Fetcheth henceforth. Pronto, boy!  Fetch the ass jaw!

Assistant: Sir, I am worried about you.  First this preoccupation with your hair and now this whole ass jawbone business.  You're going to get yourself killed.

Samson: Seriously boy.  Question me not, for I am Samson, servant of God! Here is a knife.  See-eth that ass over there?  Bring me the jawbone.

Assistant: I, uh... really don't feel comfortable.  I could barely stomach the frog in High School Biology.

Samson: Heaven help me. Must I do everything?  Giveth me that knife.  Find yourself a new Prophet to bother, puppet-boy.

Assistant: Alright, alright. I'll do it. 

Samson: THE JAWBONE OF AN ASS SHALL WREAKETH HAVOC ON THE ENEMIES OF GOD!

Assistant: [Covered in blood] Here is your stupid ass jawbone. 

---------------Sampson slaughters 1,000 Philistines with nothing but an ass jawbone. -----------------

Assistant: Now what?

Samson: Fetcheth me a lion!  I feel like a gallivanting and refreshing wrestle!

Assistant: Uh and just how am I supposed to capture this lion?

Samson: Here, use this ass jawbone.  It's amazing.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Hey companies: I'd like to know... RESPONSES!

Okay folks, I have been laughing as these responses have been coming in today.  Some of them are truly classic!  This is what I have received so far:

To Swiss Army Knives:

Q: Do you guys carry a pocket knife with a pull-out vile that could carry water or blood in it?

A: Dear Abe,

Thank you for contacting Victorinox Swiss Army.  I apologize, but we do not have any Swis Army Knives that have a vile. 

Please contact us if you need further assistance.
 

Sincerely,

Victorinox Swiss Army Customer Service

To Stetson Cowboy Hats:

Q: Do you guys carry a specialized hat made for a more "urban" cowboy like myself?

 A: Abe,

A cowboy hat is a cowboy hat no matter what. As long as you like the hat, that is all that really matters. If I may make a suggestion I would recommend the Skyline it is available in a variety of colors.
 
Thanks,
Alex Rodriguez
Customer Service Mgr.

To Belts.com

Q: I just made yellow belt in karate and I would like to buy a regular belt to commemorate the event.  Do you have any belts in yellow?

A: only this nike belt
 
To Tony Lama Boots:

Q: Do you guys carry a specialized boots made for a more "urban" cowboy like myself?

A: Abe,
 
Thank you for contacting Justin Brands.

What particular specifications are you looking for?

We appreciate your continued support of our brand.

Justin Brands Customer Service  
 
MY RESPONSE: I am looking for something that says "I'm a cowboy", but I don't want to scream "I'm THAT kind of cowboy".   Oh, and maybe something snakeskin.
 
To Crocs.com:

Q: Which croc would you recommend for someone that does a lot of farming? (NOT farmville!!! Mostly pig, but some corn.) 
 
A: Dear Abe,
 
Thank you for your inquiry, I apologize for the delay in response. Crocs has a variety of shoes that I think would work well for your needs. You could try the “Bistro” which is a clog-like style that has no holes or vents and a non-slip sole. The enclosed design will prevent any outside debris from getting inside the shoe and causing annoyance. You could also try the Crocband Sneaker, which is brand new to the Crocs family and is not only stylish but completely enclosed and extremely comfortable and light weight. The “Specialist” would also be a good choice, it also does not have any holes, is a clog-like style and is very comfortable. I hope you like some of these shoes, if not I would be sure to check out our “Work” line on www.crocs.com and see if you can find another style that you feel might suite your needs better.
 
If you have any further questions or concerns, please feel free to email me.
 
Thank you.
 
Best Regards,
 
Shanna Cronin
Consumer Service Associate 1A

AND FINALLY, To Ann Taylor:

Q: Is the "faux fur" on your coats made from real faux?

A: Dear Ms. Abe:
 
Thank you for your inquiry regarding the definition of "Faux Fur". Upon further research, I found the definition of "Faux", (fo) is false or counterfeit, imitation; used in connection with gems, pearls, leathers and fur coats. Therefore, you may be assured that the merchandise is not made from animals.

You may also find many classic styles in our Ann Taylor stores and at anntaylor.com. If you would like additional information, please call us at 1 800 DIAL ANN and a Client Associate would be delighted to answer any further questions and assist you in placing an order.

Thank you for choosing Ann Taylor. We look forward to meeting all of your future wardrobing needs. If we can provide further assistance or if you have any additional questions, please contact us via e-mail at clientservices@anntaylor.com or call us at 1 800 DIAL ANN (1.800.342.5266). We are available Monday through Friday from 9:00 am to 9:00 pm EST, Saturday and Sunday from 9:00 am to 5:30 pm EST.
 
Sincerely,

Regina Betts
Client Associate
Ann Taylor Client
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