No, I don't want to get in your hot tub!

"Come and sit in my hot tub!"

Uh, no thank you.

I mean, I appreciate the offer to sit in a moat of your family's insidious filth, but I'm going to have to pass.

My neighbor has a hot tub and a pool. He is constantly asking if I want to sit in the tub. I have done my share of swimming in the pool, but I stay at least ten feet away from that hot tub at all times. I wouldn't touch that thing with a ten foot pole, even if the ten foot pole was one of those poles with a net on the end to clean out pools with.

I've always wanted to carry a retractable ten foot pole in my front pocket - and then, when someone would say the whole, "I wouldn't touch it with...", I'd pull out my pole and then double dog dare them.

Last night we had a BBQ for all the youth in our ward at our house. When they got done, they all headed over to the neighbors for a pool/hot tub party. As I gallivanted over, I could hear the splashing, mud mucking and sloppy liquescent sounds of 15 pubescent (and prepubescent) youth sitting together in a puddle of their own putridity. When I arrived, the cries of, "Abe, get in! It's nice in here." rang from the brackish, juice filled tub. No thanks. When my swim diapered Calder joined the fray, I knew that adding urine to their hot tub concoction was inevitable.

Where did the idea of hot tubbing first take shape? Where the cavemen sitting around in each other's hot springs, hoping not to spread syphilis to each other? "Grunt... you...grunt...come...sit...now...grunt...my...hot...grunt...water. We... share... body hair...grunt... parasite... in small...grunt... pool of water. After all..grunt... we are cave neighbors."

Okay, okay, so you can't get syphilis from a hot tub. However, I looked it up and you can get the following from hot tubs: Skin rash, skin fungus, diarrhea, alcoholism, leprosy, depression, pregnancy and disembowelment. In fact, last year in the Raging Waters hot tub, I swear I saw a big toe floating around. It was either a big toe or a small poop - not sure.

Hot tubbing is a lot more fun if you are a kid. When I was a kid, my friend invited me over to sit in his hot tub. We would stay underwater and breath on the air bubble valve for 20 minutes. I'm not sure if that is safe or healthy, but I do know now that if I am ever being chased by a raving maniac, I can hide underwater in my neighbors hot tub. My skin will rot off, but it would be better than getting shot in the brain, right?

So just how close to we have to be for me to jump in your hot tub with you? I will get in your hot tub if we are married. I would say that if you were my son, we could share a tub, but have you seen the water in the bathtub after my boys get out? Beyond that, I think that I will keep the bathing of my body in warm water to myself and my shower.