Full House: The Mystery of Duck Face

I hereby dedicate this post to my brother Ike. There may not be a single person in this world that would find entertainment in this post, but I know that Ike will - and that is why I wrote it specifically for him. This one goes out to you, Little Bro!

Way back in 1987 there was a certain television show that captivated the country. The show featured: a handsome, future ER doctor, a washed up Bullwinkle impressionist, a baby that would eventually morph into two people and finally end up as bulimic scarecrow sisters. And of course, Bob Sagget. It was a recipe for success from the get go.

As time has passed and the characters have gone their separate ways, one question remains... what in heaven's name happened to Duck Face?!

Duck Face only appeared in two episodes. He was a young lad, probably only nine; short, with giant glasses and a rosy attitude. He was very polite and well mannered, almost to a fault. He reminded me of a young, less self-indulgent Eddy Haskel. Duck Face had a single downfall – whenever he was not speaking, his lips formed a duck shaped bill. It was an invidious and annoying habit that continued loathsomely throughout the entire episode. In a blink of an eye, Duck Face, the controversial and series changing permutation was grafted into existence.

Duck Face loved little Stephanie Tanner. He brought her flowers, candy hearts and an undying love. Yet, poor Duck Face was cursed with duck shaped lips. One sight of this gruesome disfigurement sent innocent little Stephanie into hysterics. In her eyes, Duck Face could have been dating Mother Theresa (could she date?), have the body of Matthew McConaughey, the brains of Abe Cheeseboy and the only thing she would be able to see were those appallingly slobbery, pancaked lips. Duck Face was doomed with the ladies upon conception (apparently with a duck).

I am not sure who had a better chance at scoring a chick: Duck Face looking for a human girl or a duck with human lips trying to score with a lady duck. If ducks did have human lips, would we still hunt ducks? I’m not so sure… but if a cow had human lips, there is no doubt we would still eat steak. – At least I would. Unless of course, the steak came with a side of cow lips, in which case I would ask the waiter to replace the cow lips with French fries.

Alas, poor unrelenting Duck Face’s time in the Tanner household came to a hapless and pathetic end after just two episodes. So where is Duck Face now? Some say he married Brittney Spears in Vegas and quickly divorced. Some say he is a plastic surgeon, specializing in disfigurements of the lips. Some say he became the lead singer of Smashing Pumpkins. Some even say that he made a pilgrimage to Utah, joined the Mormon Church, had a lead role in the movie, “Church Ball” and then was arrested in Provo a bunch of times… Maybe I am thinking of someone else?

And so my quest begins. I have googled and I have twittered. I have yahoo’d and I have asked Jeeves. Yet, much to my solemn dismay, Duck Face remains aloof and mislaid. Surely, his freakish duck mouth must haunt him. Surely, his days amongst the Bob Sagget may habitat his nightly nightmares. Undoubtedly he is somewhere in this great big world of ours, staring out into the night sky singing softly to himself: “Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight. Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight. Somewhere out there someone's saying a prayer. That we'll find one another in that big somewhere out there.”

Say a prayer for Duck Face tonight. Make it a good one, with lots of “Thees” and “Thines”. God listens to those kinds of prayers more than regular ones.

Tomorrow: The Life Story of Kimmy Gibler.