Hobitville: REVEALED!

Okay, let me give you the straight stuff - the lowdown on the schmodown - the four... one... one. Set the record straight - for once and for all.

Hobitville

Give it a rest people, it's not that cool.

It's not enchanted.

It's not even bewitched.

It's really not special at all.

It's just a gully where a bunch of hippies rent houses. In fact, I drove by the other day and there is a place for rent now, if you're interested.

Allow me to explain. Growing up my backyard was Hobitville... or Midget Town... or Allan Park Drive. It was incredible! Beyond the my back gate there were acres upon acres of wooded area, all for a young lad's enjoyment. We played war, capture the flag and built forts. We had a world class tree house - a real state of the art gem with all the amenities. During Halloween, we created the most incredible Haunted Woods that a group of 12 year olds has ever built. All this was ours, right in the middle of the city, and we loved it. Truthfully, it was every boy's fantasy. (I mean, besides Cindy Crawford at the time)

It as a well known rule of thumb that we were to stay on our side of the stream. As long as we kept our distance, the residents of Hobitville could have cared less about our boyish adventures. That's not to say that we didn't dare each other to cross the stream.

Yes, I in fact had taken the dare - many times in fact. I recall being yelled at by a ratty looking fat lady wearing a dirty white tank top and no bra. I remember when my dog ran away and my mom sent me down there to fetch him. There he was, sitting on the porch of a 20 something year old man smoking pot. (The man, not the dog) He was very gracious and sent me on my way with my dog in tow.

Because of my jaunts into Allen Park, I think I know a thing or two about the place.

There are no hobits, trolls, or goblins that live there. Not a single one. There may have, at one time or another, been a midget or two that lived down there, but in 18 years, I never saw one.

There are in fact rocks with clever sayings written on them like ""Give me men to hatch the mountains" and ""the night has a thousand eyes" and "camera surveillance".

Yes, the houses look like they came straight out of the shire, but there are no hobits living in them.

While researching for this article, I learned that the place is in fact a registered bird sanctuary. I wish I would have known that when I was shooting them with my BB gun.

The place is infested with hippies. Young and old... hippies everywhere.

There is in fact a new goat in the gated area at the front of the place. We noticed a new goat is rotated in and the old goat taken out every 3-4 months.

The hippies will call the cops on you if you drive in through at night time. The cops will actually patrol Hobitville.

They are not hobit cops.

One of the cops may or may not be a midget. He's one of those in-between "idgets" that I am not really sure about.

The hippies did offer my neighbor goat meat once, telling him that they, "only needed the hooves and horns".

My neighbor may have told us boys that story just to scare us.

Growing up, I was awoken in the middle of the night on several occasions by the sound of a drum circle. When I looked out the window to see what was going on, I swear the entire gully was glowing a bright green.

That last thing I said may or may not have been a recurring dream I had. I am still trying to figure it out.

So, there you have it: Hobbitville - Population: zero hobits and 75 angry hippies.

See, I told you. Really not that cool. But, if you want in, there is a place for rent. The only qualification you must have is that you must be under 4' 6" and have a name like "Gimli".

FYI: Hobitville, AKA Hobittown, AKA, Allen Park Drive is on 1300 east, just above Westminster College. I grew up on Westminster Ave.