Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Hobitville: REVEALED!

Okay, let me give you the straight stuff - the lowdown on the schmodown - the four... one... one. Set the record straight - for once and for all.


Give it a rest people, it's not that cool.

It's not enchanted.

It's not even bewitched.

It's really not special at all.

It's just a gully where a bunch of hippies rent houses. In fact, I drove by the other day and there is a place for rent now, if you're interested.

Allow me to explain. Growing up my backyard was Hobitville... or Midget Town... or Allan Park Drive. It was incredible! Beyond the my back gate there were acres upon acres of wooded area, all for a young lad's enjoyment. We played war, capture the flag and built forts. We had a world class tree house - a real state of the art gem with all the amenities. During Halloween, we created the most incredible Haunted Woods that a group of 12 year olds has ever built. All this was ours, right in the middle of the city, and we loved it. Truthfully, it was every boy's fantasy. (I mean, besides Cindy Crawford at the time)

It as a well known rule of thumb that we were to stay on our side of the stream. As long as we kept our distance, the residents of Hobitville could have cared less about our boyish adventures. That's not to say that we didn't dare each other to cross the stream.

Yes, I in fact had taken the dare - many times in fact. I recall being yelled at by a ratty looking fat lady wearing a dirty white tank top and no bra. I remember when my dog ran away and my mom sent me down there to fetch him. There he was, sitting on the porch of a 20 something year old man smoking pot. (The man, not the dog) He was very gracious and sent me on my way with my dog in tow.

Because of my jaunts into Allen Park, I think I know a thing or two about the place.

There are no hobits, trolls, or goblins that live there. Not a single one. There may have, at one time or another, been a midget or two that lived down there, but in 18 years, I never saw one.

There are in fact rocks with clever sayings written on them like ""Give me men to hatch the mountains" and ""the night has a thousand eyes" and "camera surveillance".

Yes, the houses look like they came straight out of the shire, but there are no hobits living in them.

While researching for this article, I learned that the place is in fact a registered bird sanctuary. I wish I would have known that when I was shooting them with my BB gun.

The place is infested with hippies. Young and old... hippies everywhere.

There is in fact a new goat in the gated area at the front of the place. We noticed a new goat is rotated in and the old goat taken out every 3-4 months.

The hippies will call the cops on you if you drive in through at night time. The cops will actually patrol Hobitville.

They are not hobit cops.

One of the cops may or may not be a midget. He's one of those in-between "idgets" that I am not really sure about.

The hippies did offer my neighbor goat meat once, telling him that they, "only needed the hooves and horns".

My neighbor may have told us boys that story just to scare us.

Growing up, I was awoken in the middle of the night on several occasions by the sound of a drum circle. When I looked out the window to see what was going on, I swear the entire gully was glowing a bright green.

That last thing I said may or may not have been a recurring dream I had. I am still trying to figure it out.

So, there you have it: Hobbitville - Population: zero hobits and 75 angry hippies.

See, I told you. Really not that cool. But, if you want in, there is a place for rent. The only qualification you must have is that you must be under 4' 6" and have a name like "Gimli".

FYI: Hobitville, AKA Hobittown, AKA, Allen Park Drive is on 1300 east, just above Westminster College. I grew up on Westminster Ave.


Tammy said...

Nicely done Abe! Where did you find the pictures? I'm stealing one. I read that too about it being a bird sanctuary but I still like to think it's an enchanted little village with lots of little people running around.

Spencer Ferguson said...

Love it! I remember looking for the enchanted hobitville years back. Never found it. Good to know that it does indeed exist, though not in the magical way many believe!

Traci said...

The rumor I heard during high school was that one kid had gone there and an angry hobbit had come out on his porch and thrown a rake at him... A LITTLE RAKE! In one eventful night, I went to Hobbitville AND Emo's grave. Good times.

Lori said...

So, what's the deal with the houses back there? Are they MADE for really small people or are they just regular size houses?

Cheeseboy said...

Tammy, I just googled "Allen Park Drive, Ut" and the pictures popped up.

Spencer, forget I said anything. Allow the magic to continue.

Traci - little rake?!?! Where do people get this stuff?

Lori - No, the houses are normal sized for normal sized people. They just look real enchanted like.

Esther said...

Gimli is not a hobbit. He's a dwarf!

The Yospe's said...

Abe, I distinctly remember the drum circles. I remember going down there during one of them, I believe Jenny hadfield was with me. We saw the goat dad would take me to feed carrots to being sacrificed. Brother Hadfield went down to talk to the hippies. I also remember going back in high school and having one of those hippies jump on the hood of our car and get mad at us.

su-tang 3000 said...

And next you're going to tell us there's no Santa Claus. You're an awful, awful person.

Corey, Ashlee, Jack and Alaster said...

I have always wondered about that place! How cool you grew up over there. You have answered some lingering questions for me. Now I can leave Salt Lake without always wondering...

Heather and Jake said...

Well enchanted or not, it was still a cool place for Jake to take me on our first date. A little weird, a little creepy, a little risky...such a great combo to impress a girl! I still like to think it's like the village in "Willow".

quinn and kristi said...

I used to get dared to drive through hobbit ville during the east high days, yet, I never had the guts. guess it really was just hype. hilarious!

Stacy said...

I was terrified to go through there. We were in a packed car and everyone wanted to go, I wanted to cry. I was so scared (and yes, this was only a couple years ago). And not only did the people I was with drive through once, but twice. I'm still scared even after hearing your "True" Story. I don't like scary places.