Sunday, March 13, 2011

Why I don't own an iPad or an iPad 2.

The iPad was released the other day and I couldn't be more excited.  I pulled up my britches (pants) and fastened my trousers (sandals) and charted a course for our local Apple Store.

I hadn't gone but a half mile when I realized an unfortunate truth: I had no money and no hope of obtaining money.  I thought, "Well, this just ain't fair! (I think in hillbilly, but talk normally. It's a condition.) The only people that get to buy an iPad 2 are people that have money?  There should be a way for a moneyless man like me to get an iPad 2 without any money."

It was then that I realized, there was a way!

I returned home, opened my laptop and jumped into my spam folder, Facebook and Twitter.  I entered thousands upon thousands of queries and contests entitled "Win a free iPad!" That was three days ago.  I still don't have my iPad 2.  However, I do think that my identity has been stolen by a goat farmer in Naples and I've had to create a new, overflow spam folder for my spam folder.  (I'm thinking goat farmer because the other day my American Express was charged for something called "nipple clamps".)

Penniless and without any luck in the fake, online iPad contest industry, I decided to get my iPad 2 the old fashioned way: I would steal it from some punk kid.  

My plan was to hide in a bush on the side of our house.  As Junior High students would walk past our home, I would jump out with a Freddy Krueger mask on and scare them into oblivion.  Their terror would make them shake so fiercely that the contents of their backpacks would simply flop onto the sidewalk, allowing me to snag their iPod 2's and gallop jubilantly into my garage. 

It was a fail-proof plan and I would have gotten away with it too, if I could have found the Freddy Krueger mask from my 8th grade Halloween costume. It was all for naught anyway. I talked to a Junior High student a couple days ago and she assured me that most kids her age don't just have an iPad in their backpack.  Back to the drawing board. 

So I went inside and sat at my son's drawing board.  I always go back to that spot and stare at that stupid board whenever one of my fool-poof plans doesn't work out.  

As I stared at that board for the umpteenth time, I decided that my iPad plan had failed because it was a stupid idea.  I thought about what number umpteenth might be and if it was a magical number.  And then I admired the pirate ship my son had been drawing and I wondered why he had labeled the women on the ship "whores".  That concerned me a little.  He is four.

My drawing board plans were not working out to my satisfaction, so I decided it was time to start at square one. Fortunately, I have a hopscotch painted in my driveway and it was a warm day.  I went out and stood in square one for over an hour.  Eventually, a neighbor walked by and yelled, "Abe, why are you just standing there?"  I replied, "I'm trying to think of a way to get an iPad 2.  I thought I'd start at square one!" He just shook his head and laughed.  His name is George.  I've always hated George.

Everyone always says that you should start at square one, but this philosophy must have come from a square country like Australia or Mexico, where squares carry much more weight and value than in the United States. Plus, everyone always says you should think outside the box and as far as I know, square one is definitely box shaped.  

If you start at square one, you are not thinking outside the box because square one is box shaped.  I actually suggest starting at triangle two, because now you are thinking outside the box AND you have skipped square one altogether.  You are light years ahead of where you'd be if you had just started at square one.

This is a perfect example of out of the box thinking.

I don't even own a box right now.   I guess my house is a box of sorts - a box with a triangle top. My refrigerator is kind of a box too, but I never think inside my refrigerator.  Perhaps if I had thought inside my refrigerator, I could have thought of a way to get an iPad 2.  The cold would have forced me to think of something and think of something fast. Think quick... Gotta get out of this ice-cold box!

Maybe thinking inside the box is the new thinking outside of the box?  I think that some people that think outside of boxes are actually thinking, "How can I get back into that box?  If I could just get back in that box, I could think of ways to think outside of it?" If everyone on earth was thinking outside the box, wouldn't thinking inside the box be considered a lofty goal?

Do you see where I am going here?

Anyway, I have pretty much exhausted every idea I've had to get an iPad 2 and I now sit here typing this on my pathetic, boring MacBook.  So, if you'll excuse me, I need to start unloading my refrigerator.  I've got some serious thinkin' to do!

60 comments:

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

You can have my husbands! No need to have your identity stolen any further here.

mintifresh said...

The way my brother got his was he told his boss he'd like to learn how to make apps for the iPad that would benefit the company so the boss bought him one. Maybe you could tell your principle that you cannot come up with teaching units unless you had an iPad with "Angry Birds" already installed. He/she might go for it...

Oilfield Trash said...

Don't feel bad, I don't have one either. Although I don't really want one. I would much rather have the iWoman.

dbs said...

I want to stab outside the box when people insist on continuing to use that cliche think outside the box.

"Miss Bee" said...

Good luck with your outside of the box thinking. If any of your neighbors get a new washer or dryer anytime soon, perhaps you could have their giant boxes - I bet that sitting on top of one of those would really help.

However, the funniest (as in I snorted iced tea out of my nose when I read it) part of this post to me was visualizing your 4 year old's pirate drawing with the "whores."

Mamma has spoken said...

Hehehe, around here you would write a teaching technology grant for it ;o)

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Sorry about the goat farmer stealing your identity. Maybe someone will send you a goat and you can use that to raise money for an iPad.
And oh yeah - the iPad 2 is super cool. Got mine Friday!

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

Did someone say nipple clamps?

laughingmom said...

Your oven is a box too, but I wouldn't want you to think in there...Great post!

Pedaling said...

i liked your idea of hiding in the bushes awaiting your victim. nobody likes middle school kids anyhow.

Bees With Honey said...

I want an Ipad too but hubby says they're too expensive and we don't have the money right now.

I feel your pain!

Emmy said...

LOVE it! So many cliches put in her so perfectly.

And well... do I dare say it, I will be getting an iPad2 this week. I will sell you my old one :)

lindsey v said...

Very funny post!
Well written, Cheeseboy.

-sent from my ipad

Noelle said...

How bout putting up a paypal button. I bet you would have the money within a day.

-also sent from my ipad

Marnie said...

My husband has one for his work and he uses it a lot for his job, but for leisure, he doesn't like it at all.

Amy said...

Have you taken your kids to see the Treasure Island extravaganza in Vegas lately? Lots of whores on that pirate ship.

Lourie said...

If you figure it out, please let me know. I want one too.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Why would you want an iPad 2? They come in a square box, right? You're more original than that.
xoRobyn

purseblogger said...

I don't have one and don't foresee me ever having one, but I want one.

Beth Zimmerman said...

I don't see one anywhere in my future either, Abe! Sad, isn't it!

Kristina P. said...

I can send you a box of Maxipads.

Pedaling said...

i found something for you.

http://www.smosh.com/smosh-pit/articles/ipad-made-me-poop-bricks

Antares Cryptos said...

Sent from my wormless apple.

The Church Lady said...

Just wait about five years or so, they will eventually come down in price. You may even be able to find one on E-bay in the year 2020.

I know that's what I'm gonna do. Now, that's thinking inside the box!

Dave said...

Maybe you could just collect a few more marathon entry fees (wink wink), and you will have enough $$ before you know it. But if you don't get the iPad 2 within the first few weeks after it is released, you are better off just waiting for the iPad 3 that will surely come out six months from now.

Lazarus said...

Loved the pirate ship visual, great post!

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

Hey, don't feel bad. Teacher appreciation week is coming up soon right? Maybe that HUGE PTA fund that the school has can buy you one! I think you're in the same boat with most everyone else - no money for all the toys we wish we could have. Welcome to living "The American Dream!"

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

What a coincidence!!! I was just preparing to rush these to market, and you mention them in your blog! Amazing!

http://i1138.photobucket.com/albums/n530/midleagedmormonman/TheCheeseboard.jpg

Synchronicity. Sting would be proud.

Impulsive Addict said...

Why do the people that collect welfare checks get to buy one? Maybe you should get on some of that welfare business. I hear they're very popular toys in the waiting area of the local Department of Human Services.

SherilinR said...

you're going to get naughty google hits now cuz you mentioned whores & nipple clamps in the same post.

tammy said...

Admit it, you thought of this post while sitting in Gospel Doctrine today and bored, right? I know a good 'bored in Sunday School' post when I see one.

Gigi said...

The lengths people will go to for iPads....I'm considering offering up one of my children for timeshare.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

I got your Ipad right 'chere! (See, I think AND write in hillbilly-Dice-Clay.) It's a skill, reallly.

Jenn said...

Ask for donations..... seriously....

Connie said...

Your four-year-old son can draw a pirate ship filled with whores? He may have an idea of how you can get an iPad!

Lindsay Blogs said...

If it makes you feel better I don't have an iPad2 (or an iPad 1 for that matter) or any i device except for my 2007 iPod (not touch). I've given up on trying to keep up with everyone else. Eventually they'll see the error of their ways when the robots are eating their faces and I'm laughing from my box.

imbeingheldhostage said...

This post had me grumbling at my iPhone because I read it when you only had ONE COMMENT and I couldn't say anything. I couldn't comment. Technology stinks CB, don't give into it.

FabuLeslie said...

You said britches, trousers and nipple clamps all in one post. Oh, and whores. I love it. Well done, as always!

Krissy said...

Hey, when you were back at square one on the hopscotch, you were also thinking outside of the box because you weren't in the house! How about them apples?

I find it hilarious that nipple clamps made you even think of goat farmers. That's why you are the Cheeseboy, I s'pose.

Melinda said...

My first thought when I read the title of this post was, "He's a TEACHER. Of course he doesn't own an iPad."

The Time of Our Lives said...

My dear Hub-beyond once entered me in a drawing for a free Lake Powell houseboat trip.. I could never use that email address again and to this day it remains a spam wasteland. The upside is that I now use that defunct email address for all things that even hint at spam possibilities.

Spam is popular in Hawaii though. ;)

T said...

hey... speaking as the girl who has MacBook envy it's a good thing you're funny, or I'd have to wait behind a bush in a Freddy Krueger mask to steal your laptop.

I might be the last person on earth to not get the Angry Birds jokes...

Lisa Loo said...

I'm with Tammy--I know a "bored in Gospel Doctrine Rambling Brain Disease" post when I see one.

But, I am a little distressed that your GDBRD would include nipple clamps and whores---either that or your Gospel Doctrine class is WAY more fun than ours.....

Kristina's maxipad comment made me snort.......

Melinda said...

You are definitely thinking outside the box. Definitely.

p.s. trousers are pants too, not sandals. Just thought I'd throw that out there.

p.s.s. I'm sad no one's clicked on the "weird" button. That always makes me so happy...

Pat said...

You could buy the original i-Pad....they were on sale $100 off because the i-Pad2 were coming out. The only difference was that the 2 had a camera.

I love the triangle 2 idea. Maybe that will catch on.

Katie said...

As always, you make my life happier! :-)

I know the post was about the iPad, but I can't get past the, "I think hillbilly but talk normally" part. SOOO ME!!!

Kristen said...

I'll let you know when I start seeing steam over my way - THEN and ONLY then, you might be on to something!

randine said...

I don't own an IPad because beyond turning it on, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't know how to use it.
Actually, I'm not entirely sure I could turn it on.
Oh, and ya, the money thing, too.

And nipple clamps?? What the deuce??

ThreeOldKeys said...

I hate when my cat thinks outside the box.

Martha@A Sense of Humor is Essential said...

I saw a line on Friday for people waiting for the Ipad2, don't these people have lives. A MacBook is pretty hot stuff, I have an old PC, shh, don't want to upset the old beast with this talk of Ipad envy. Thanks Cheeseman. hope the cheese curds are doing well.

Ostriches Look Funny said...

Oh my gosh. This killed me. Twice.

Julie said...

I kind of love that your son's pirate ship is full of "ladies of the evening," but you've requested our comments be PG-13.

(I think in hillbilly but speak in R. Luckily, I type in PG-13.)

I'll raise Ostrich's killed me twice to THREE times.

Love. This. Post.

WhisperingWriter said...

It's okay. I don't have an iPad either. I'd like one but it's like hundreds of more dollars than I have. Nuts. If it ever goes on sale for $19.95, I'm in.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

If it makes you feel any better, I have an iMac g4 that is about 9 years old.
I'll trade you for your macbook if you'd like!

But I have a solution for you predicament.

Don't unload your fridge. Just stop wearing Utah shirts and try out a BYU one. I bet the inspiration will start flowing then!

M-Cat said...

I laughed out loud at nipple clamps and Chloee asked me what I was laughing at. I lied.

And your 4 year old labeling all the women on his pirate ship "whores" - totally acceptable and normal. Expect "wenches" in there sometime too.

Missy said...

You are a nut!
The Nipple things were delivered to my house today! Thanks!

Joann Mannix said...

Cheese,

I've got someone who could definitely hook you up with an iPad and just about anything else you need. I've got this lady friend who emails me all the time. I feel really sorry for her. She has abhorrent spelling and grammar skills, but that's not why I feel sorry for her. She's had all this bad luck, a car crash that killed her husband and put her little girl in the hospital. She's filthy rich but she can't get access to her money because of her husband's mean relatives and she just needs someone's social security number and a good faith deposit to get access to her dead husband's money. If you wouldn't mind lending her your ss number and a few bucks, she'd be willing to split her hub's fortune with you. I know. She's super nice. I'd do it myself, but I make it a rule never to involve myself in other people's family drama.

Also too, just so you know, I have an iPad and even though I love my ipad, it is not Blogger friendly. You cannot write a Blogger post unless you write it in HTML code. Yeah, right. There are apps, but I haven't found a really good one, yet.

MiMi said...

My mom wants one. I'm sorta scared of the thought of my mom with an iPad.

Kelley said...

No one thinks outside the bun, I mean box, than you, Cheeseboy. Actually, you probably like thinking outside AND inside the bun, unlike Taco Bell, because cheese is EVERYWHERE- tahkus (how my grandmother says "tacos"), hamburgers...EVER-WAR!

SueLovesCherries said...

Sounds like you went around the school yard and ended up back at Square One!