Friday, March 11, 2011

Apples

We have an apple tree in our backyard.  It's branches spread across the yard like long, twiggy, butterfly wings.  Actually, the branches are nothing like butterfly wings.  Perhaps more like bat wings?  Or Batman's wings. The point here is that the branches stretch.

The apples are always falling from that blasted tree.  No one eats the apples. We don't spray the tree and every apple has a worm.  That tree is a worm hotel.  Not a Motel 6, but more like a Howard Johnson or Best Western.  You know, a real classy worm hotel joint with a mini kitchen and the non-pornographic worm Showtime channels.

Every fall I have to go out and pick up the gushy, disease-ridden apples off the ground and put them in a plastic bag.  I feel badly because no Howard Johnson should go out like that; it's not fair, even for a two star Howard Johnson. I pick them up anyway. It's the kinda thing husbands that are still married do.  

We've since built a little tree house in that apple tree.  It has a slide and a steering wheel - the classic tree house paraphernalia.  I was hoping the tree house would kill the apples, but they still grow.  They grow and fall and grow and fall.  It's a cyclical thing, almost like it is seasonal. I just don't get it.

Every fall I enact my revenge.  I take that bag of glunky, worm-infested apples and I swing it above my head in a fit of rage.  I then throw the worthless sack with all of my might at the trunk of the tree and yell, "HOW'D YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, PUNK?!"

*Cheeseboy creativity and energy levels have sunk to new lows.  My apologies.  

48 comments:

Bees With Honey said...

Interesting post. Love the "how do you like dem apples" plug in there. Loved the movie!

Anyways, I feel for you. We have a cherry tree in the backyard and it makes a million and one of bug eaten cherries we don't get to enjoy.

The hubby is never impressed with the clean-up that comes from the darn tree!

Oilfield Trash said...

I love the how about them apples part.

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

It's interesting that your first comment is from Bees With Honey because I was going to say that our crabapple tree attracts a LOT of bees. In the fall, when the rotting apples are all ciderey and smelly the wasps come around and buzz dopily, no doubt high on cider. The solution? Get a bear. Or a raccoon. Your apples will disappear!

The Bipolar Diva said...

That sounds like the apple tree in our neighbors yard. I never thought about throwing the apples that fall in our yard....well until now!

Pedaling said...

this is you at low creative energy levels?

Not bad...not bad, at all.

Georgina Dollface said...

Ahh, the highly romanticized apple tree. If it wasn't for Isaac Newton, Johny Appleseed and that guy with the rib way back when, the apple tree would probably be, well, just a fruit tree. - G

The Stiffs said...

Our neighbors in VA had an apple tree that hung over the fence. It was awful. Once we found a tree rat in the yard because of the apples. I paid my kids once a week for every bucket of apples they filled. You might try it but the sour rotten apple fights were pretty disturbing.

Amy said...

We did the same with our black walnut tree. Except they didn't have worms, they had maggots. Disgusting. But we had a huge field behind our house that we would throw them into. Then apartmenst were built there. We resented it. So we still threw the black walnuts over the fence, and sometimes hit the apartments. I guess we are pretty lucky that no one ever called the cops, and no windows were broken.

Melinda said...

I can actually really relate to this post because I grew up with SIX apple trees. Seriously. And we had to go out and pick up the apples, it sucked. Also as an adult, I worked at a daycare and the area where the kids played had an apple tree and we had to pick up apples from there EVERY day, it was amazing at how many apples could fall from one measly tree. I thought this post was great, no apologizing!

Kristina P. said...

We used to have an apple tree, and our mom would make us pick up the squishy apples too. Boo.

SherilinR said...

i like cathy webster's suggestion of a raccoon or bear. i'd say, go with a raccoon, cuz he'll hide himself & scare your neighbors less.

purseblogger said...

I just had the image of you doing that but you were old and didn't have all your teeth.

Brenda Susan said...

My husband tried that with our almond tree. But yelling,
"How d'you like them almonds?" did not sound right.

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

Buried in the applesauce was this little gem: " It's the kinda thing husbands that are still married do."

I need to put it on a t-shirt and wear it most of the time, especially on Saturdays.

Bossy Betty said...

Film this scene, baby!!!!

"Miss Bee" said...

The sad part is that even on days when you think your creativity levels have sunk to a new low, they are still way higher than mine!

Unless the part about swinging the bag of rotten apples and screaming "how bout them apples" is true - in that case, you're just awesome.

lifeshighway said...

I could come up with some kind of eco-friendly use for the apples but what fun it that. What you need is a goat. Yep, a goat would take care of the problem for you.

Of course you would have to feed the goat during the not apple growing season or perhaps it would eat the tree then you would lose you tree fort...still you need a goat.

-stephanie- said...

I guess one bad apple does spoil the whole bunch. How rotten.

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

Might I suggest spraying for worms?
Or chop the damn thing down!

Connie said...

Apology accepted.

A seasonal thing...huh..I've never thought of that before. Maybe that's why I'm always ankle deep in apricot mush every July!

M-Cat said...

Please come and pick up the apples that drop in my yard from my stupid neighbor's tree! The neighbors that DON'T prune their tree. Splenda goes out every year and following the fence line, hacks off all the branches that hang over our side, then when it's dark we huck them back over the fence to their yard.

Sad thing is, they still don't know we do this. That's how pathetic they are at keeping their house and yard up

Whew - thanks for that rant - apologies for taking over the comment box

Mamma has spoken said...

Just wait, you have two sons. They will find out soon that those apples are great for throwing. Throwing at each other, throwing at the house, throwing at yucky girls, throwing at the neighbors' dogs and cats. Yep, they will be having so much fun with those apples you'll be posting about having to get out there before they fall to collect before the sons get ahold of them.
Yes, I've been there before, I know what I am talking about.

mintifresh said...

I vow I will never ever own a fruit tree on purpose. Ever.

You had enough energy to don the tuxedo to school, though! At least you are using your energy for good!

Unknown Mami said...

You should just get more worms.

Lazarus said...

Doesn't Barney eat apples? Get him out there... Loved the ending!

Lisa Loo said...

I admire your stand upedness in dealing with them dang apples. You are my hero.

Lourie said...

Ah man....hook line and sinker. You got me. haha. Too bad the apples have worms.

Pearl said...

:-)

Goof.

We are the last in our neighborhood (built at the turn of the last century) to have an apple tree in our backyard. I understand they were added to just about everyone's yard after WWII.

Every summer, we spend our weekends throwing stray rotting apples into five-gallon buckets. I'm getting pretty good at it.

Pearl

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Haha! We have a worm hotel in our front yard, also. The deer love the wormy apples - they don't care. My hub doesn't pick them up - WTH? Hmmph.
Put you closer to your goal of 600 followers. I am waiting for my 120th follower over at Lighten Up! Fabulous prizes away my 120th follower...

Kristen said...

Actually, I really liked this post! I bet when you swung that bag of apples against the tree the bag split a little and disgusting wormy juice spille on you - OR if it had been me, the bag's momentum would have swung back and hit me at the knees to the wormy ground....

tammy said...

You're supposed to be teaching your boys to throw them at each other. At least that's what my brothers did.

SueLovesCherries said...

Well, why don't you spray the tree and eat the dern things!

Kelley said...

Hahaha!!! No lows for you, CB. I liked the visual of you slinging a bag of apples at that tree. I'm wondering why not even ONE good apple can fall from it. Why??

Impulsive Addict said...

I think that you should hang on to those nasty apples until Halloween and give them to the teenagers that show up at your door wearing regular clothes and carrying a brown grocery sack and asking for a candy bar OR give them to the OLD DIRTY MEN who DO wear a costume. Those people freak me out.

Can we see a pic of the tree house?

GrammyMouseTails said...

poor little apple tree. we have 2 what where dwarf apple trees when planted are now out of control lichen covered worm motels. they sit in the middle of our back yard hill. I think there has been a total of 3 apples since they were planted over 12 years ago. and they deer munched them, so at least someone enjoyed them! maybe invite some deer over in fall for a party! or pay your class 50 cents to clean it up & have a apple toss game at some rotten neighbors house.

ThreeOldKeys said...

Responsible owners have their trees sprayed or neutered.

Antares Cryptos said...

When life gives you apples...Nope. I don't think that's going to catch on.

Corrina Terry said...

It was still good. I like the "Howard Johnson worm motel" idea. Funny!
p.s. Can't you pick the blossoms? Then apples wouldn't grow, right? But maybe there would be too many blossoms to even make it worth your while. . .

Bits-n-Pieces said...

poor little apples. They never hurt noone! LOL

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

You're a good husband who is still married. What do husbands who aren't still married do with them apples? Regardless, this was very funny - but at your expense. Sorry.
xoRobyn

Everyday Goddess said...

Gotta show them apples who's boss!

Kate said...

Almost like it's seasonal. Ha!

The Church Lady said...

Those darn crab apple trees are a nuisance. My advice. Get a dog. My dog loves to eat the rotten apples that fall to the ground.

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

If it weren't for the tree house I'd say cut the dang thing down! Or do something about the apples so you get good ones. Then you can make some apple butter or something tasty like that. Then you won't curse them apples anymore!

Jenn said...

Funny, we had an apple tree in our yard when I was growing up and my dad would do that same thing!!

Kat said...

My friend used to have a clubhouse in an apple tree. We used the grody apples to launch at each other during "war." Kids, man. Kids.

Joann Mannix said...

I say get a goat or a horse. Cheese with a horse in his backyard. I'm sure the neighbors would love it.

You know you're really screwing up my blog break here, man.

elesa said...

Don't apologize. I think this is hilarious. But now I am mad because I am the one who has to pick up all the mooshy apples at our house. That is the husband's job? How did he trick me into thinking it was mine??