Thursday, March 24, 2011

Questions I have asked the Facebook Admins

Recently I discovered a way of contacting Facebook to notify them of troubles you might be experiencing with their hallowed site.  As a result of this discovery, I have asked my share of questions.  Here is a small sampling:

- Hello.  Sometimes when I post a status update, my friend Mitchell is the only one that ever responds.  Could there be a problem with my feed or is Mitchell messing with me somehow?  Cause I hate that guy!  Should I de-friend him? Thoughts?

- Hi Facebook people.  I posted as a status update that I was de-friending Mitchell and he responded that he wants his litter box back.  He doesn't even have a cat anymore!  Lots of people have been commenting that I should give Mitchell back his litter box so my previous concern is no longer valid.  I thank you for your time in this matter.

- Hello.  I seem to be having a problem with my friend count.  I am currently stuck at 598.  I have been at 598 for almost TWO WEEKS!  I dropped Mitchell as a friend and I am STILL at 598. (I added Barbara.) There must be a bug or something.  Do you need screen shots?

- Yes. Hello. I have been having problems "liking" things.  For example, in real life I "like"candy bars.  On Facebook, I like candy bars, but I can't exactly eat them there, you know?  Is there a way to "like" something that you can't really have?  I don't know.  At my house, I go to my cupboard and pull out a candy bar and then say "like".  On Facebook, it's the exact opposite, I like something and then I end up with nothing.  It just seems very counterproductive to me.

- I heard that if you say "Tiger's Blood" three times while looking at your Facebook wall, your profile picture turns into Charlie Sheen.  Is this true?

- I have another "like" problem that I would like you to address.  I have all these female friends that I like, but I am married, which causes some problems.  I mean, I like these women, but I don't like like them, you know?  I feel awkward about clicking "like".  Maybe there could be a "Like, but not like like, you know?" button.

- Hi again.  Yes, I am thinking my poke finger might be broken.  I click on it all the time and nothing happens. Is something supposed to happen? It seems like something should happen.

- Hello "friends".  When I die, I would like my Facebook picture promptly removed - but I'd like a reminder of my love for my friends posted to all of their walls. (Not Mitchell!)  Maybe a post of a virtual flower or a kitten sitting in a sink holding a little note that says, "Abe's Dead"?  Is this possible?

Also, I may or may not actually give you a warning note letting you know that I am passing away, so you might have to check the obituaries.  If you get a message from me that seems half-written, you can just assume I am gone and follow through with this plan.

- Hello. I'm wearing glasses in my current profile picture. I no longer wear glasses.  Is there a way to edit out the glasses?

- Still having problems with my friend count.  It was at 599 for a day or so, but then went back down to 598.  Maybe you could "loan" me like 100 fake friends or so just so I can get off 598?  (Mitchell has 612.  It'd kill him if I got more!)

- Hi, I've been on Facebook for three years now and every time I try and access

67 comments:

M-Cat said...

I don't believe in Tiger's Blood
I don't believe in Tiger's Blood
I don't believe in Tiger's Blood

Yep - there's Charlie Sheen. I will be sleeping with the lights on tonight - thanks for that Abe

M-Cat said...

HOLY CRAP?!?!? I was first? Will be sleeping with the lights on but smiling now~!

Kate said...

"Platonic Like"

Miley said...

"like"
but... not "like like" you know.. because I don't want your wife to get jealous. But I DO love you. I mean, in the platonic way. Just to be clear.

Miley said...

I want to "like" M-cat's post about being first. Seriously.
Can you help me with that?

mintifresh said...

I hate it when I am talking to someone who isn't on Facebook cuz I sound like a total idiot.

Kristina P. said...

Mark Zuckerberg will be speaking at BYU. I'm sure he will probably spend about 35 minutes answering all these questions. And by answering, I mean punching you in the face. It will probably feel like a nice massage.

Gigi said...

Cheese. This is seriously? Your best post ever. I'm hitting it in StumbleUpon.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

You're really bringing on the funny even more than usual these days, Abe. I especially like but don't like-like the like and like-like problems of yours. I don't like or like-like that you're having these problesm, but I like but don't like-like that your problems are hilarious. Thanks for the usual dose of laughter.
xo<--platonically, Robyn

"Miss Bee" said...

Did you really send these questions? Please say yes... and then post the responses you get!

Emmy said...

Yes the "like like" was by far my favorite too!

Too funny

Oilfield Trash said...

Hilarious.

Middle-aged Mormon Man said...

I can't believe you held back the answers. I imagine it has to do with some kind of non-disclosure agreement?

Donda said...

That gave me a good laugh that I desperately needed!

Mary said...

Did you notice that they changed "remove from friends" to "unfriend"? So glad I made the choice to unfriend mitchell...that guy is really annoying!

Impulsive Addict said...

Wait...did you just die? You didn't finish your last email.

RIP, Cheese. You will be platonically missed.

Noelle said...

Abe you are one of my favorite bloggers. Seriously.

This was one of my favorite of your posts!

LilPixi said...

So g'damn funny, and SO glad I found this blog!!

The Bipolar Diva said...

like, like, like, like.....damn

Kelloggsville said...

having tried thrice Tiger's blood my profile picture now appears to be Charlie Sheen and I have been defriended by everyone apart from some idiot that keeps poking me all the time...

lifeshighway said...

Somewhere in Facebook land there is a lone intern who is poking your effigy with little pins. This is the closet where all interns go to die.

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

I love this bumbling character you write for yourself -like Chevy Chase only funnier!
And your buddy Mitchell? Even his name is funny!
Your students are lucky kids.

laughingmom said...

I don't have a face or do facebook or whatever it's called, but I do like you but not as much as I like candy, but maybe if I unfiend candy on a diet I'll like you more, but only in a like like way because I'm married and I kinda like him too, but not as much as I like candy either.

Lindsay Blogs said...

Wait...did Abe just die? Oh crap. I better get a note with a kitten in the sink!

Joann Mannix said...

Or how about if you like someone's comment, but the person is really just an annoying craphead and you accepted their friend request, just because you didn't want to hurt their feelings. Could there be a "like your comment, but not so much, you" button?

I'm having Maaaajor FB issues right now. Mainly FB is unfriending my friends without my knowledge. I've had about five people this week alone ask me why I unfriended them. I think Mark Zuckerberg is bored, tired of Farmville and for whatever reason he's targeted me to jack up my site. Or maybe he's pissed that I seem to be the only person in America who hasn't seen The Social Network.

Sent you the Wang tweets. And yes, that is code for I like you. I like your blog. I think you're great, but still if I ever catch you in skinny jeans, I will push you off a cliff.

Jenn said...

I don't even know what to say to this one... It's so funny, all I can do is giggle. Maybe I need to contact Facebook and find out what the proper response should be... be right back

Sara @ Domestically Challenged said...

Come find me on FB, We'll have us some fun.
I have that same prob with Mitchell. And this whole like thing, like when people "like" someone's status which says, "My daughter's funeral will be on Saturday at 1p.m." or "My cancer screen came back positive"

tammy said...

I always feel guilty when I "like" another man's status too.

T said...

all of this e-mail going to Zuckerberg and his cronies is they reason they're too busy to take care of my queries about why I can't expand my FarmVille farm... great, now I know to blame the Cheese :)

(note: I don't actually play FarmVille... I deleted it when I realized that it wasn't helping my food storage issues)

T said...

and dang you for not allowing anonymous comments... because I had some choice words from Mitchell...

but I'm far too lazy to go set up a totally new Google Account just for that purpose y'know :)

Chris Phillips said...

"Do you need screen shots?" lol

The Stiffs said...

Love this.

fnkybee said...

I'm so trying the tiger blood thing!
This was hilarious!

Tony Van Helsing said...

A kitten in a sink holding a sign saying your dead is a beautiful idea and I'm getting one for my funeral.

Flea said...

I can loan you some of my friends till you have enough of your own, but only on a short-term basis. I need all I can get.

Mommy Lisa said...

Oh I soooo hope they find you entertaining. ;)

Melinda said...

Awesome Abe. Simply awesome. I can think of about a hundred more inquiries...why am I so addicted to Facebook?!

Kelley said...

You are so funny! I really like the question about have a like, but not like like, button. That was, like, such a great question.

Hart Johnson said...

You crack me up! You should provide open source facebook statuses for uncreative people...

Lazarus said...

Loved it, funny, creative, great post!

Shell said...

Oh, the Sheen thing is hilarious!

FB annoys me to no end.

Bees With Honey said...

Poor Mitchell. You defriended him?

Loved this post! Made me laugh out loud, Mr. Teacher.

*like* but not *like like* ~ u know

Lisa Loo said...

the squeaky cheese gets the grease Abe---keep at them...you're my *platonic like* hero!

Beth Zimmerman said...

Oh dear ... I hooted out loud at your post-death plans and now hubby wants to know who Abe is again. He's this guy that I like ... but not like like ... you know ...

The Church Lady said...

"poke, poke, poke" Hellooooooo! Is this thing working???

Hilarious post!!

Natalie said...

Hate FB, LOVE you!! This is hilarious!

Jessica said...

This is hilarious, I am dying over this post and not in the half finished email way. I have heard around twitter that you were funny and you totally delivered. Hilarious.

W.C.Camp said...

I think I "Like like' this post a heck of a lot more than Facebook! Clever. W.C.C.

baygirl32 said...

I wonder how long before they
A)delete your account
B)disable the help button
C)crap up laughing

Marnie said...

These are hilarious. The thing is, I think they get flooded with emails of this nature all the time...

Unknown Mami said...

Comedy Gold!
Comedy Gold!
Comedy Gold!

My FB picture just turned into a picture of you!

Kelley Simpson said...

I really like the poke question because I have a visual that is may be working every time and someone out there has been poke about 100 times from you and they are probably really freaked out. That may explain the friend count issues. Maybe you should ask if there is a poke history you could check out? Just saying.

PS thank you fro making me laugh.

Sandra said...

You are so funny! I am laughing so hard right now, and I really needed that. I, for one, never click the poke button because I find it perverted. Whenever someone "pokes" me, I immediately hallucinate a phallic object coming at me. It's disturbing.
But this was funny...I already said that, didn't I?...well, it was.

Pat Tillett said...

No, it's "I like them, I just not IN like with them..."

Darn funny post!

elesa said...

Ha. I like the first one. The "thoughts" thing just cracks me up.

SueLovesCherries said...

I suggest that, just for numbers sake, you re-friend Mitchell, but let him know it's nothing personal.

imbeingheldhostage said...

like like like!!! It's a totally like the post, like you, but I like you not in that way like you... 'cos my husband (Mitch)is big and he can run fast and I'm thinking he wouldn't like it if I liked you-like you.

MiMi said...

Crap! You're dead, aren't you?
My friend has her own version of Mitchell. UGH.

Amanda said...

Oh my gosh. I know you have a trillion comments and followers, but I have just have to tell you how much you make me laugh. On Twitter and here.

I would say that in a more fun way, but you requested PG-13 or lower.

Lourie said...

I refuse to test the "Tiger's Blood" thing. That is just too scary. :P

Laraine Eddington said...

Have you ever been screened by facebook. It is so exhilirating/annoying.

Diane J. said...

Will you ask them to override my teen son's FB account and make him "Like" his mother please. He liked me for all of, oh, two days. Then I calmly mentioned he didn't need to use the F word when posting and suddenly he's no longer my friend. I'm sure it's a FB glitch, my son would never, ever, use the F word and I'm sure it's evil FB that bumped me from his friend list....(oops, I rolled my eyes so hard, I got a headache.)

Thanks for asking FB to fix this. And, I totally love, but not love, love, you know, your sense of humor.

Cluttered Brain said...

it worked...you dont wear glasses in your profile...
love the tigers blood reference....
you are awesome hands down cheese...
almost at 600 followers....
you blogger with a blogging god given voice...

Julie said...

Charlie Sheen was really good, but my favorite was "I don't wear glasses anymore" profile pic question.

BamaTrav said...

Hahahahaha!

Queen Mahin said...

Hiya. Just found you from VodkaMom. You are cracking me up! I just joined Facebook after resisting for as long as I possibly could. Kind of not liking it. Your post, though? Hilarious!

Just SO said...

I want the Like, but not like, like you button implemented immediately.

BTW did you ever break 598?