Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Someone once poured ROOT BEER on me! And I HATE them!

This is a true story, taken from the annals of Cheeseboy time and history and space and time.

I am not one to hold a grudge, (Except that I am) but I have been holding onto this one for 10 years now. Call me a baby, call me immature, call me "classless", but this happened, and it really, really hurt my feelings. A lot. And I am still mad about it.

When I was 23, my wife and I went to a Forgotten Carols concert. I was so excited because Thurl Bailey was a guest soloist and he was one of the best basketball players I had ever seen! (They didn't call him "Big T" for nothing, you know!) He was really good.

We arrived at the Brighton High School Auditorium early that night. I was eager to get a good seat... the closer to Thurl Bailey, the better.

The auditorium was festive that eve. It smelled of yuletide candy canes and high school body odor. The stage was gallantly lit with mirthful Christmas lights, pine trinkets and two large festive banners proclaiming "Merry Christmas!" and "Go Bengals!"

My wife in her kerchief and I in my cap, had just settled in to our sugarplum plush seats in the second row.

As the show began, I was inundated, no - engulfed in a wave of Christmas spirit. The awe inspiring music made me weep and think of that sweet Tiny Tim, starving and hungry and looking for some Christmas shoes for his dying, crippled father. When Thurl joined in, I was near tears! (Man tears. The kind that chop wood and hunt bear) I was Christmas and Christmas was me. We were as one.

I was simply... having... a wonderful Christmas time.

And then... a Christmas blunder of Grinchy - ultra - Scrooge-like proportions. I heard a pop, and a fizz and I felt something drip down the back of my neck. I turned around to see four young boys, each grinning from ear to ear and holding a fresh can of Barq's Root Beer.

At this moment, I could no longer hear Thurl Bailey's angelic voice or smell the sweet odor of gingerbread emanating over the audience. I was furious. How dare they? HOW DARE THEY?!

Here is the kicker: Barq's is the only Root Beer with caffeine. I'd have been okay if it were A&W or even Sprite, but this was a drink filled with a vile, addictive drug. I had always been taught to say no to drugs and here I had it dripping down the back of my neck. I prayed Thurl wasn't watching. Can you imagine what he would have thought?!

I pulled a tissue out of my man-purse and wiped off the back of my neck. I then turned around and gave the boys the most angry, crusted, ill-tempered look they had ever received in their life. Their mother, clearly not captivated by the Christmas spirit of the occasion, caught glimpse of my grumpy stare and proceeded to have the gall to call me "rude". ME?! SHE was the one that was allowing her prepubescent sons to drink liquid sin at a Christmasy, spiritful occasion. And now, it was dripping down my neck.

I have never been so offended. I have never been so huffy or puffy. I had been disgraced. Sure, I knew there was a chance that there would be so called, "caffeine drinkers" at this occasion. And yes, once these folks got the caffeine in their bodies, they could be a little, shall we say... reprehensible. Further, I really had no expectation that the caffeine would be all over my body.

So, I left. I left like I had never left before. Christmas was over. Thurl would have to sing to an empty seat and a row full of young boys all hawked up on sugary, iniquitous caffeine.

I would just like to make the following statement that I have been waiting ten years to release:

I hate Brighton High School I HATE it. I hate everything associated with that place. I hate their teachers, I hate their students, I hate their stupid soda machines in the lobby!

I would also just like to say that I hate carols (both forgotten and remembered), I hate pine tree scent and yes, that's right... I even hate Thurl "Big T" Bailey.
They didn't DESERVE to have me at their concert. They didn't DESERVE my applause. How... dare... they?! I hate them all. HATE THEM ALL!

(It's so fun to make stuff up about people I hate and have done me wrong)


Ashlee said...

Ha ha ha! I'm just glad that you didn't add "I hate Christmas." to that list at the end. I especially liked the part about knowing there might be "caffeine drinkers," at the event. By the by... my uncle is Thurl Baileys home teacher now. Small world.

Sco said...

Haha! Your "man-purse" and "man tears" were great!

I suppose that tomorrow's blog will be an apology to all things Brighton except for their Thurl-Bailey-attending fans. Also, the Canyons School District may be issuing you a public reprimand because you disparaged a member institution on your blog. On behalf of Brighton alumni, I accept your apology in advance.

Cheeseboy said...

Ha ha Scott... you are dead on. Apology forthcoming.