Monday, November 30, 2009

The Second Annual Cheeseboy Awards for Awful Christmas Songs

It's once again Christmas time and that can only mean one thing: My annual post on the absolute corniest, assuredly mawkish, undoubtedly overplayed, awful Christmas songs that I hate. Yes, if you are like my wife (meaning female), you started listening to Christmas music back in October. To make matters worse, Christmas radio in Utah diluted with horrible local artist's renditions of the old standbys.

So, without further ado, I give you this year's list of Christmas songs I am completely and decidedly fed up with:

1. All I Want For Christmas Is You - Mariah Carey -
I don't want that much for Christmas... just never to hear this song on the radio again. - Ohhh BABY! -

2. Santa Baby - Madonna -
Every time this song comes on the radio, I feel like a piece of Swiss, being scraped up and down on a human sized cheese grater. When I think Yuletide and sugarplums, I think Madonna... trying to seduce Santa Clause.

3. Do They Know It's Christmas? - Band Aid -
There won't be snow in Africa this Christmas time? This song came out in '84 and 25 years later there is still NO snow in Africa? Why are stations still playing this total shlutz? It is absolute garbage (garbage that could be fed to the starving orphans in Africa). I have an idea: never play this song on the radio again and perhaps it WILL start snowing in Africa!

I actually heard this song the other day and immediately turned the station in disgust. The station I changed it to? SAME AWFUL SONG! It's like the rotten Christmas song gods were trying to hunt me down.

4. Last Christmas - Wham
Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day, you gave it away? This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special. - Enough said.

5. Feliz Navidad - Especially that awful slow version that says "With lots of presents to make you happy."
This song is so amazingly racist! Christmas is not about gifts and stuff - Christmas is about family and love. However, apparently the song writers think that Spanish people need a lot of gifts to be happy.

**Of course, this list will always and forever have a permanent spot saved for "Lifetime Achievement Award" winner: Christmas Shoes by NewSong. Not only the worst Christmas song of all time, but perhaps the worst song of all time period.


Traci said...

Oh Abe, why do you have to such a hater? It's a song about a dirty little wretched boy buying his dying mother shoes for when she meets Jesus. Nothing brings the Christmas spirit more than that song, if the Christmas Spirit is the rage I feel if I even hear one note of that song...(I also despise the synthesizers in the WHAM song.)

Tammy said...

Sorry Abe but I LOVE to hear "Do they know it's Christmastime?" That IS how I know it's truly Christmas time. And this year it will have special meaning because Nathan has to do a presentation board for school and his country is Ethiopia.

I also LOVE to hear "Last Christmas" and "Feliz Navidad" but only the fast version.

The other song I love to hear is John Lennon's "So this is Christmas".

Cheeseboy said...

Traci - I am glad you are with me.

Tammy - Every song you mentioned is crap. Sorry.

brermomo said...

Oh, why did I have to read the title to number 2? Just the title set it off. Now I'm going to have that horrible song in my head all day. It's already bouncing around in my brain spaces.

sacdaddy said...

Honorable Mentions:

Tom Petty's - It's Chriiissttmasss, all oooooover again. Yeah, agaaain.

Paul McCartney's - Simply having a wonderful Christmas time.

Nothing kills the Christmas spirit like those two songs...

Ike said...

I definitely agree with Madonna's Santa Baby being a horrible Christmas song. Unlike Christmas Shoes, this song is the antithesis of what Christmas is about. It is just an evil song, and it isn't even nice to listen to. Shame on Santa Baby!

chrisy said...

I think you hit the worst of the worst (although I really don't mind Feliz Navidad).
But what about Donny Osmond (or anyone esle) singing "Mary, did you know?"
It's kind of spooky and besides that, Of course she knew! An angel told her. Dumb song!

lindsey v said...

I like the song "Mary Did You Know".
It has a special place in the left chamber of my heart. (I'm a nerd.) It makes me think of what my son might accomplish in his life that I don't know about. (Not that I think he will save the world or anything.) But how are we to know the good things our kids will do? Mary obviously didn't know ALL the things that Donny Osmond told her.

Tyler and Lyndsay said...

I think your next post should be about the Christmas songs that we DO like! I would like to mention the top 2 please:
1- The Christmas Song (By the chipmunks of course)
2- I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas (the one that has the guy with the high high voice)

Cheeseboy said...

These are some hilarious comments! You all have one-upped me on this one.

su-tang 3000 said...


Both you and my wife are mistaken about "Last Christmas." It is a great song, as proven by this Jimmy Eat World cover.

Charis said...

I think the homeless song should be right up there. . . christ never slept in a cardboard box. He may have moved around a lot but homeless? sleeping under the viaducts? looking in the garbage for food? or maybe that is why he was at the wedding, he was crashing it, eating free food.