Sunday, November 8, 2009

Why I have a love/hate relationship with fast food. (But mostly love)

I love fast food. If I loved it any more, I'd have to marry it. Actually, I'd have to polygamist marry it because I couldn't pick just one wife. I'd have one wife named Wendy living in the basement and one wife named Kay F. Cee living in the attic with our six pieces of extra crispy.

Did I cross a line?

- Oh, I am just getting started. -

French Fries:

McDonalds has some killer good fries - just as long as they are served steaming hot. Allow them to cool for more than 38.2 seconds and you are left with tasteless, gooey, yellow gummy worms.

Of course, at McDonalds, you always have those tiny parcels of fries at the bottom of the box. Why are they giving us these tiny, pellet sized fries? I'd much prefer the full sized ones. They could send those tiny sized fries to people that really need them - like to the poor in Finland or to people in our own country with STD's, or to albinos.

Wendy's has thunderific fries, unless of course the fry cook gets a little overanxious with the salt shaker. Wendy's fries are not as bad cold. However, unless one wants soggy potato pancakes, one should be warned to never microwave their fries. Also, take food out of bag when microwaving as the plastic straw may melt all over your #3 meal with cheese.

Arby's regular fries are disgusting. I once tried to give a hobo some regular Arby's fries. The hobo pulled a face and gave the fries to his ratty dog named Snowcone. Snowcone took one look at those things and turned and drifted away. Hobos are such pompous jerks sometimes. I hate hobos when they get in these sorts of moods.

(**Update: I have been informed that Snowcone was actually not a dog at all, but a bag of hair that the hobo had been saving. Still, he called his bag of hair "Snowcone", which is very curious, given that the hair was black and it was the winter time)

Arby's has a secret weapon... something the other places lack: the curly fries. These are the crown jewel of the fast food industry - and it took me a long time to realize that they were made from actual curly potatoes. (mostly imported from Canada, where curling has become sport) I defy you to find me a better fast food french fry than the curly fry.

You ever get one of those super long curly fries - one so long that you have to show everyone just to prove that they actually exist? I once had a curly fry that was 6 feet long - longer than a Twizzler super rope. This curly fry would extend from my head to my feet and could have been used for various devices including: to bungee down the load in the back of my truck. Fortunately, I had bungee cords and the six feet of curly fry ended up raveled up in my belly like a content rattlesnake, coddled in 48 ounces of Mountain Dew. (They only do this for the rattlesnakes at Hogle Zoo on Easter morning)

Hobos definitely would not turn down curly fries.


Wendy's makes an okay cheeseburger, albeit a square one. A single is plenty though, unless you want to be covered in grease the rest of the day. (** This does not apply to Richard Simmons, who is covered in grease every day.)

Burger King makes something called the "Whopper", which I find delightfully extraordinary until about the third to last bite. I then find that I am always asking myself, "Why did I just eat that?!" The thing about the Whopper is that it has about a cup of mayonnaise on each bun.

Imagine this: if each American that purchased a Whopper next year asked for no mayonnaise... that's enough mayonnaise to feed every hungry orphan in Russia!!! Hope they like Mayonnaise!

McDonald's makes the Big Mac, which for some odd reason I have a very strong craving for about every 2-3 months or so. Also, I get a very strong craving for them if I am pregnant, which seems to happen every 2-3 months or so. Also, I get a strong craving for Big Macs whenever I hear a Michael Buble tune. I haven't figured out that one yet, but I think it may have something to do with the sauce. (I tend to hear Michael Buble tunes ever 2-3 months)

Carl's Jr. has the "Six-Dollar Burger" which is fine, but something I never crave - even when I see the commercials with the girl getting ketchup all over herself. I do get the craving to hand her a napkin.

Hardees had this burger on a sourdough bun that was like eating something out of a imaginary land of plentiful delight and nonsensical nonsense of tastiness. Of course, Hardees has vanished, as has their spokesman, Karl "The Mailman" Malone. (Last seen grizzled in the Ozark Mountains)


McDonalds has the orange drink, which I am assuming is straight sugar-water mixed with a slight amount of orange flavoring. I actually like this stuff much better than Tang, but not as much as orange soda. Sometimes when I eat breakfast at McDonalds, I will get the orange drink instead of orange juice. Their orange juice just has so much pulp and I am sure their orange drink has just as much vitamin C. A healthy alternative, really.

A&W has a nice rootbeer fountain option. I always get the rootbeer at A&W. I think it is because I like to pull that long handle. Reminds me of Vegas and I win every time.

I am very opposed to any fast food place that won't allow you to get your own drinks. (Wendy's, I am looking at you, you sorry excuse for a Coke! And you call yourself fast food?! "Fast" is not having to cut in line and wait for "Beatrice" to have a sliver of time to refill my medium, blue Poweraide! )


What is this, 1978? Do I need to put on my rollerskates and grow a handlebar mustache and bring my hula hoop?! I guess I do... when I go to Wendy's.

Why don't you trust me to get my own drink? Are you afraid I am going to break your machine? Take too many cups? Push all those tiny buttons down on the lids? Lick the grates? Drink straight from the fountain? Hang a pinata from the Diet Coke lever and let the kids swing away? Invite hobos in for free drinks on me?

I love fast food. I'm just a little bit picky... except when it comes to curly fries. I guess in a way, I am more like that hobo than I'd like to admit. Some days, regular Arby fries are just not going to cut it.


Crossdressing Toad said...

Very good I want to see what you have to say about the mexican fast food world....Taco Bell...and such.

Anonymous said...

Arby's discontinued their regular fries.

brermomo said...

Penultimate paragraph:
I must confess that I always wonder all those things when I see people getting their own drinks. Yuk! I haven't ever been to a Wendy's, but maybe I'll look for one.

teresa said...

Ummm... hello? Apollo/Crown Burger, please?

Cheeseboy said...

Funny comments folks.

Aunt Margaret - you and my mom are alike in many ways. She has told me often how she thinks the fountain drinks are probably covered in germs.

Crossdressing Toad - you have inspired a new post sometime in the near future.

Anon - I had no idea.

Teresa - Crown Burger is my favorite place and I did not want to group them in with these junk food places. Some day, Crown will get it's own post.

Ashlee said...

Abe, how do you feel about onion rings?

Tammy said...

Abe - you also didn't list Chick-Fil-A which has yummy waffle cut fries! They are my favorite fry! Didn't you see the "Supersize Me" documentary about McDonald's fries???

I hate places that don't let me refill my own drink too!

Anonymous said...

You have neglected the illusive Central Park Fries. Yes you have to eat them in your car because Central Park is drive through only but the spicy coating is unlike any fry in the business. I will have to introduce you!

sacdaddy said...

In-in-out, in less than a month just off the 123 exit in Draper!

(Free Self Served Refills)

lindsey v said...

First of all, I like the soggy McDonalds fries. But preferably not soggy and cold.

Second of all, there's no poor in Finland! But there are a lot of orphans in Russia.

The Quist's said...

Oh Abe, you make me laugh! I cherish the amount of time you can devot to such a task! Thanks for making me LOL!

Cheeseboy said...

Okay... Ashley - love onion rings... just not Burger King onion rings.

Tammy - Don't like Chick-ful-a fries all that much. Too much fry per square inch. Sorry.

Kayson - yeah, my friend Steve and I used to always go to Central Park. Forgot about their spicy fries. Hate to tell you this though - Five Guys Cajun fries are better.

Steve - Yep!

Lindsey - WHAT?! Nasty crap.

Daphne - I worked hard on this post. Glad some are finding it funny.

Stephanie Roberts said...

Carl's Jr. had a Sourdough cheeseburger for a little while, it was almost as good as the heavenly Hardees one was.