Monday, November 16, 2009

Facebook status - Cheeseboy is writing about stupid facebook statuses.

Ever since I joined Facebook, I have been astutely fascinated by it's every whim. There is so much going on on a single page: so much human emotion, so much arrogant hooey, so much inside sarcasm - it's hard not to be captivated by it all.

One thing that I have learned as a dimwitted human being reading facebook is this: Just because you are thinking it, does not mean you need to announce it to the masses. Honestly, many of the posts on facebook are just random thoughts that you would never say out loud. Are people too stupid to make this distinction?

I mean, what would you think of me if I just wandered up to you on the street and said something like:

"I hate the snow, but I looooove the holidays!"

-- "Abe, what the heck are you talking about?!"

"Maize or maze... that is the question"

-- Abe, seriously... are you okay? Why are you saying stuff about maze?

"Are people serious with having 40 items in the 10 item or less line?"

-- Who are you talking to Abe? Your not even AT THE GROCERY STORE!

"My back hurts. Love me some Motrin"

-- Dude, you are such a whiner. Do you WANT people to feel sorry for you?

"Anyone have any Farmville plants they are willing to trade?"

-- I'm worried about you Abe. Really. What the %#!* are you talking about?

"Stupid #!@* tin foil! Never tears right."

-- Why are you talking in symbols? Have you hit rock bottom?

-- Also, you are really passionate about tin foil.

"Passion is a right of passage and we all have that right. - H. Terrance Emerson"

-- You are just making crap up now, aren't you?

"Anyone have a good recipe that incorporates rhubarb?"

-- What... the...

I believe the most commonly used facebook tool is the "like" button. The problem is that I like just about everything.

"Kevin Smithson became a fan of the Crossroads Community Food Donation Co-Op"

Here you go Kevin... a "like" from me. Becoming a fan of giving food to the poor... you are a good person, regardless if you actually give food to the poor or not. If you are a fan, that is good enough for me.

"David Larson and Tommy Yougun are now friends via the friend finder"

Thumbs up from me. Nice to see people go out of their way to make new friends.

Vicky Mixon: Rescued a puppy today from a man with a rifle.

LIKE FOR YOU. Wish I could give you 3 likes Vicky... puppy diva of sainthood.

Another problem I have is that I get so liberal with my giving of "like" I accidentally like things that should without a doubt not be liked. This is always embarrassing.

Thomas Stonehouse: Grammy died today. She lived a good life.


Jerry Submarington: So sick! Feels like my limbs have fallen off.


I always realize my mistake like 3 hours too late. Then I have to explain my like in the comments:

"Oh crud... sorry Thomas. I didn't mean that I like that your Grammy died today. I meant I am happy she lived a good life. I'm sure she was a good Grammy. Are we still "friends"?"

"Uh Jerry. Sorry, didn't mean to like your limb problem. I just thought the way you phrased it was a bit funny since you have such small arms and all. Like a dinosaur. Are you made at me?"

Finally, I always get a kick out of the people that invite me to join the anti-facebook causes:

You have been invited to join "1,000,000 strong to get facebook to go back to the old format."

Screw the poor in Cottonwood! Now THIS is a cause I can sink my teeth into! What do I need to do? Put a lawn sign in my yard? Go door to door? Write letters to facebook? This is important and life changing! HOW DARE THEY?! HOW DARE THEY CHANGE THE FORMAT OF THEIR OWN WEBSITE!? WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?! WHAT IS THIS... COMMUNIST CHINA?!

You know who else changed the format of their website? Hitler. Facebook is soooo socialist. It's just another sign our country is rotting... rotting like a rotten, rotting dead hamster, decaying in a basket of rotting apples.

Actually, I didn't really realize that they had switched formats, but I really feel I need to start getting more passionate about stuff and this is a good place to start.

Another big one I have been getting lately is: "Join the cause - Keep Facebook free!"

Are people really concerned about this? Sorry, can't join this cause. If they charged money to use Facebook, the cause "Keep Facebook free!" would die and I would never be asked to join it again.


Sco said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
brermomo said...

Every time I click onto facebook which is several several Xs a day, I find 20 more people are searching diligently for some treasure or jewel or they are planting corn. So industrious. And, I'm just sitting at the computer. I'm sure no one has noticed, but my entire being is now devoted to mockery of facebook. In very subtle ways. In ways only I know. Most of the time I'm giggling to myself, sitting at my computer, madly typing out short scenarios. It's delightful.


brermomo said...

Oh, and great "article," by the way.

Erica Phillips said...

By far your best work!!!! I guess the brake you took was worth it for this. Now every time I update my facebook status, I am going to think of you :)

Crossdressing Toad said...

I hate it when I accidentally hit the "Like" button! LOL

Traci said...

I wonder where the idea that Facebook isn't going to be free came from anyway? Pure hearsay and conjecture!

Tammy said...

Funny, funny, funny Abe!!!

I'm still waiting for Facebook to add more choices to the "like" option. Sometimes I don't "like" the statement but I agree. Why can't they put agree or disagree as a choice?

Erin said...


Sco said...

"Like" the post! Great stuff! One of your best.

And brermomo - maybe there's a way we can send some gophers and crows into our friends' "farms."