Thursday, November 5, 2009

More spunk! (Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team)

My wife has taken to watching something called, Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders: Making the Team.

My wife is not a cheerleader. Nor is she the cheerleader type. **

FYI: Cheerleading is not a hobby, it is a sport, and becoming a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader is the pinnacle of the sport. It's like when you get to the top of the cheerleading mountain and look down at the other cheerleading mountains... and those mountains are like little midget hills, with little midget cheerleaders. And your mountain? Your mountain is the Matterhorn - and not the wimpy one in Europe without the white monster that lives in the middle and scares tourists.

I watched this show and not for reasons that you may think. I watched once because Cathi watched. I was forced to watch. I was an innocent spandex watching bystander. I suppose I could have gone downstairs and watched baseball, but it's cold down there and my wife gets frightened easily when cheerleading is involved.

In order to make the Dallas cheer squad, you must sit in a tub of water (in a bikini tiny bikini - because regular swimsuits will throw the machine off kilter and the muscular black guy in the tight shirt may start to cry) and have your body fat calculated. This is a requirement. You want to make the team? Strip down and get in the tub. Anything less than 7% is unacceptable.

The Dallas cheer squad will absolutely not put up with the absence of spunky. You BETTER spunkify your routines or... or... you are dead in the water. Dead in a tub of body fat calculating water.

Think about how much hairspray is in that water. I bet by the the last cheerleader, you wouldn't want to light a match by that thing.

Here is the thing that I really don't understand: Besides the overly pompous and plasticy faced, 40-something squad instructors, nobody gives a crap about who makes the team! Let's face facts here... 97% of the folks that are watching these women are beer-bellied buffoons like this Joe. I know exactly what he is thinking:

"Boy, look at those high kicks... they just aren't crisp enough."

"What is going on with that girl's spunkyness? She is so off her game tonight!"

"Look at that girl?! Did she even GET IN the tub of water?! She's easily packing around an extra 2 or even 3 pounds!"

"This is total bull! These women are a disgrace to the Dallas star!"

Thankfully, we have this show to now weed out the pretenders. In the episode I watched, one girl stated that she was so torn about her audition she might get a sandwich instead of pizza that night. Can you believe that?! A sandwich?! Now that is commitment and spunkiness all wrapped up together in a tight fitting, bone crushing, spandex unitard.

**I mean no offense to those that may be of the "cheerleader type" persuasion. By this, I mean if you have implants, are a high maintenance blond and have the ability to kick you foot above your head - you are still a person, and that is what is important in God's eyes.

I'm back.

6 comments:

nimmy and girlies said...

Welcome back! We missed you.

Sco said...

A worthy post after your break. Glad you're back!

Tyler and Lyndsay said...

This was a great comeback. I can't help but tell you that I did get a little distracted reading when I noticed the top "kick-line" picture and the blond in the middle is just not cutting it. Her leg is NOT ready to break her nose as is the first girl. Secondly, her foot looks all deformed, like a claw or something.

lindsey v said...

FORCED to watch, eh?

quinn and kristi said...

yeah I am so glad you are back!! I love your posts! As a high maintenance blond I do enjoy the laughs you provide. I am a little surprised that cathi likes this though... she doesn't seem the type.

Tammy said...

Did I read that right? They HAVE to have MORE than 7% body fat????

And I'm surprised Cathi likes this too. I haven't seen it but maybe I'll have to give it a chance.