Wednesday, November 18, 2009

What I would say to Eeyore if I were the cop assigned to talking him off the ledge.

Why so glum? It's not worth it man. Come on down from the ledge.

Is it because you are sometimes blue? Really, it's going to be fine soon. Max Hall is a senior and can only throw interceptions for three more games.

Is it because you spell your name with two "E"s and then a "Y"? There is no shame in the fact that your parents were into the inventive name spelling fad bull. I have a cousin named Rubin and his parents make him spell it like the friggen' sandwich!

Your friends haven't abandoned you - it's just that you live at the edge of the Hundred Acre Woods and it takes you so long to get anywhere. Heck, even that little pink runt of a pig likes you and we still are not sure what sex it is. Same goes for that weird, masculine female rabbit.

That reminds me of something I have been meaning to ask you: What in the world are two kangaroos doing in the H.A.W. (Hundred Acre Woods)?! I mean, I totally get the owl, the rabbit, bear and even a donkey. But how in the name of honeypot haven did a couple kangaroos migrate into the woods? And don't feed me this "the woods are in Australia" BS! Not a single animal sounds like Crocodile Dundee. Not a one.

ANYWAY... are you coming down or not? Do I really need to go get Christopher Robbin? He's getting too old to deal with crap like this. The first book came out in 1926... why hasn't that kid hit puberty yet? Seriously, not a single hair under those armpits.

Why are you doing this Eeyore? Does it have to do with that tail of yours that is always falling off? This is 2009 - we have doctors that specialize in stuff like that. Speaking of doctors, I know a great one that can get you a prescription for stuff that will perk you right up. He gave that overstimulated tiger some ADD medication and now he just sits in a corner and hums to himself. All that obnoxious bouncing has come to an end.

I read that you are stuffed with sawdust? Sawdust?! No wonder you are so depressed. They couldn't spring for cotton balls? That is just pathetic. First the tail and then the sawdust? There is no excuse for such shoddy craftsmanship.

Really we should have seen this coming. You show all the classic signs of depression: 1. You say, "Oh bother" almost nonstop. 2. You eat nothing but thistles. 3. You are totally bumming everybody out.

I know, people call you a dumb ass. I can see how that hurts. It hurts when people call me that too and I am not even dumb.

I'm coming up there Eeyore. We can work this out.

Give me your hoof. GIVE ME YOUR HOOF!! WOULD YOU GIVE ME YOUR FREAKING HOOF?!

No, not your P.O.S tail. We both know that won't hold your weight. That nail never holds.

Just slowly back away from the ledge.

This would be a whole lot easier without that miniature thunderstorm directly over your head.

That reminds me, doesn't all that rain make your sawdust all moldy? Nevermind... we can worry about that later. Lets just get you off this ledge and home to your hollow log and no family.

Okay slowly... slowly... slowly... NO! I PROMISE - I'M NOT TRYING TO PRESSURE YOU!

Finally... Thank goodness you're safe. All is well once again in the Hundred Acre.

NOTHING TO SEE HERE FOLKS! GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS. NOTHING TO SEE!

And Piglet, why are you listening to Barbara Streisand again?

4 comments:

quinn and kristi said...

Abe! I love your posts! you are too funny. How do you come up with this stuff? you should think of a career in negotiation...

Ashlee said...

I love this! So funny :)

Cheeseboy said...

Thanks Ahslee and Kristi.

Crossdressing Toad said...

WOW, my favorite post to date :) I am surprised that you have your Winnie the Pooh facts so plesantly fitted amongst the Abeism nonsense. BTW--I caught myself sing "Nothing Compares To You" the other day while washing my hands in the bathroom. Too bad there was no one in there to look at me funny?!