Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Top nine phrases teachers hate.
We Elementary teachers are pretty patient people for the most part. We look and play the part of the kindhearted, peacemaking caregiver. Most of us truly are these things with the possible exception of about 5%. However, I can guarantee that just about every teacher cringes in unmistakable torment at the sound of the following decrees. I present to you, in full Cheeseboy regalia, the top 9 announcements teacher hate to hear:
9. "The PTA will be putting on a fund-raising assembly today." This pronouncement means I will be spending an hour sitting on a metal folding chair and listening to obnoxious squealing over cookie dough and prizes that clearly could have come from the Dollar Tree. And that is just the PTA ladies.
8. "Today will be an inside recess day." Inside recess day means three despicable things: Pent up rugrats with energy to spare, pent up ME with energy to spare and a complete mess in my room. Inside recess is a little like putting a group of superheros in a cage, shaking it up a little bit and hoping that they won't use their superpowers to hurt you. Oh yeah... they are going to use their powers and it's NOT going to be pretty.
7. "It's Grandparents Day today!" Yes, it's grandparents day for SOME kids. Congratulations kids, your grandparents are still alive. Now all you kids with dead grandmas or grandpas that just don't care, come line up over here and eat lunch by yourself. Cheeseboy, you are good at consoling upset kids, right?
6. "The 6th (or any other grade) is using the gym today." There will be no PE in the gym. Oh great, that means I've got to take thirty 7-year-old's out into 30 degree temperatures pretend to enjoy a rousing game of freeze tag. Literal freeze tag.
5. "The choices for lunch today are trout treasures or chili." Trying to convince kids that something called a "trout treasure" or "school brewed chili" is delicious is a little like convincing the Amish that they are going to die of global warming.
4. "It won't stop bleeding." Almost always referring to a nose, but not limited to the nasal region. "It won't stop bleeding" actually means, "Better buy more tissue cause this box will soon be a giant red glob in the garbage can."
3. "I kicked my shoe over the fence at recess." I know what you are thinking: Really? How often does that happen? The surprising answer is: 2.7 times per year. 2.7 days of one child in the classroom crying for six hours while wearing a single shoe. A teacher delight.
2. "Tomorrow is crazy hair day." I hate crazy hair day. It's simply an excuse for a child to act as crazy as their hair. Generally, the rule of thumb is: the crazier the hair, the crazier the kid acts. Crazy hair day always coincides with some special week like Red Ribbon Week or Safety Week. I propose we start a week called "Wear normal hair at school and drive your parents bonkers with crazy hair at home week."
1. "I couldn't make it to the bathroom." No matter what the kid is talking about, if they say this phrase it never means something positive has taken place. Ever.