Friday, December 11, 2009

Utahns can be so incredibly stupid.

I am such an idiotic Utahn. We take great pride moronic behavior. In fact, in a way I sort of thrive on it. We tend to breed stupidity in bundles and sell it in bulk to the local Dollar Tree. Recently, it seems as though the Beehive boneheads have been hit a new gear: "E-Gear to be pathetic". Please take note of the following:

1. A small group of people waited outside a Salt Lake Costco in 4 degree temperature just to be first in line to have Sarah Palin sign their book. What kind of moron sleeps outside in bitter temperatures just to see a two bit has-been and her snowsuited, lumberjacky husband?

Well, after my toes had turned turned brittle and my nostril hair had frozen to the inside of my nose, I kindly asked a stranger to buy me a pack of hand warmers and a slice of cheese with a thin piece of crust underneath it. As it turns out... the hand warmers only came in a pack of a thousand and the cheese cooker had frozen over.

Alas, morning came and the line finally began to move. I had finally reached the entrance and I could just make out the tip of a pair of designer glasses sitting between an old lady handing out gummy bear vitamins and a pile of fishing waders. Finally, Palin was in clear sight and I started running toward her like a moth to the petal of a flower.

I was bounced. Turns out, you have to have a membership to their magic club to see the almighty Palin. Standing in line in the frigid cold overnight would have been worth it, but I was not about to fork over $35 to join their little fraternity. It's unfortunate that Costco was the only establishment classy enough to host Sarah and her hunting buddies.

Who knew that a wheelchaired man wearing a red vest and holding a price gun could be so darned strong. The bad news was that I had to amputate one toe. Also, contrary to popular belief, Palin does is not sold in bulk. Although there is an economy sized Palin sold at Target in the clearance bins. If you buy a hundred of them, you save at least 45 cents per gross.

2. Seven thousand people attended a minor league basketball game in Orem, fully expecting Michael Jordan to show up and play a little one-on-one for a measly $100,000. How did these people get so gullible? Did they eat too many "sloppy joes" in Elementary School? Really? Michael Jordan is going to fly to Provo and embarrass himself in front of 7,000 bozos? No wonder Utah County is the pyramid scheme capital of the world. These dimwits are clueless!

So, my view from the third row was a little bit fuzzy. The speakers were blaring that Chicago Bulls championship music and it was so loud, I could barely maintain myself. I should have known better. Jordan was too classy for this dog and pony show. No way was he going to show up to a minor league basketball game in Orem. I felt like an titter-brained freak. I had been duped! Duped by the best in the business: a D-League marketing team full of evil geniuses!

I'm done with them! I am never going back, ever... EVER!!! (Except next Thursday when they gave me free tickets for the game. But after that - NEVER!)

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