I recently braved the torturous crowds and sticky floors of McDonald's to appease Calder of his unquenchable thirst for the McLifestyle. For whatever reason - the playland mostly - he loves that place. When he was younger, we could pass off any restaurant as McDonald's and he would be content. We would pull into the parking lot of Chili's and announce, "We're here. McDonald's. Sorry, no playland at this one, but you can climb on the really tall bar seats while we wait for our buzzer to go off."
But alas, Calder has outgrown his toddlerecent Mcfatty ignorance and he can now tell a golden arch from a golden coral. Every so often we have to throw the boy a bone. It's a good thing they are selling the McRib again... all those unused bones.
Well, during my last trip to McDonalds I thought to myself, "There really ought to be some rules and regulations for this place!" Seriously, 90% of the people in that place were there for their 2nd or 3rd time that week, yet all 90% acted as if they had never stepped foot in a McDonald's before. Thus, I have created 6 ground rules for folks that want to "eat" at this fine establishment. This list shall be plastered on the doors of every McDonalds nationwide and in Guam.
RULES FOR EATING AT MCDONALDS
1. When ordering food at the counter, do not stare at the board and squint. You look like a moron. They have cheeseburgers and Big Macs. They always have. Order your food and move on.
2. After you have placed your order, step away from the counter to wait. Don't just stand at the register like you are the only one in line. Step aside and move away. Don't worry, they will bring you your Egg McMuffin so you can continue your quest for 400. They will even bring it out if you are not standing right at the counter.
3. When you are at the drink machine, if you can't fill two drinks at once, don't. If you can't fill one drink and chew gum at the same time, don't. Just do what your brain is capable of doing. Filling two drinks at once takes very little coordination and mind control, yet at least half of the people attempting the duo drink will have overflow issues. I guess that is why they are eating at McDonald's.
4. Prior to a child entering the playland, they must be fully submerged in a giant vat of hand sanitizer. The baptism of sanitizer shall also take place upon exiting germ infested plastic tubes.
5. Please make your kids put their shoes back on before entering the bathrooms!
6. If you grab a drink lid and accidentally get two or three, please do not put them back in the dispenser. I don't want your grubby hands on my drink lid.
7. If you are really bored, how about browsing a magazine and not the Redbox screen.
While I am making rules, I might as well make some new rules for our friendly McDonald's employees:
NEW RULES (or actually suggestions) FOR MCDONALD'S EMPLOYEES:
1. Please wipe off the front of the garbage flap every so often so that when I attempt to throw garbage away I do not get somebodies old ketchup all over my hand.
2. Please do not pretend that the thin sliver of paper between the tray and my ketchup somehow desanitizes the tray. The tray is gross. Please wash the trays. Perhaps you could dip them in that giant vat of hand sanitizer that I plan on having for the kiddies?
3. Please do not mop the floor right in front of the drink machine and then act disgusted when I walk on your newly mopped floor. A man needs his orange drink. I am not going to wait for your little masterpiece to dry. If you want to mop something, how about the bathroom floor? I swear I have 36 shoes still stuck to McDonald's bathroom floors across the nation. Perhaps I should try going in shoeless like all of the kids?
4. When handing me my drink in the drive-thru, how about pushing down the little button letting me know what kind of drink I ordered? I don't care if it is the only drink in the order! I want to know that you know what kind of drink I got. Why do you think they make those little buttons on the top of the lid? It's kinda your job to do this stuff.
5. Stop handing out Kidz Bop CDs. They are not fun, they are not toys, they are garbage. Just give me the crappy, little plastic figurine we paid for!