Sunday, December 20, 2009

Hi. My name is Cheeseboy and I am... (gulp) a food moocher.

Hi. My name is Cheeseboy and I am... (gulp) a food moocher.

[Hi Cheeseboy]

I think' I remember when it all began. It could have been the summer of '94. Or the winter solstice of '88. No, I think it was the great bread famine of '82.

Okay, there I go, lying about my problem again. The truth is, I don't remember when I started the mooching. I know a lot of people and it just seems that these people always have food. I'm a hustler; a snacking scam artist; a salami and Swiss swindler. I have come to this community center to admit my misdeeds and to seek help.

I hurt the people I love the most. It hurts me to hurt them, but when they have food, I need that food. It is a food fixation of galactic proportions and it needs to end. People out there are dying of starvation and some have no Christmas Shoes for their mother; and here I am, hoodwinking hot dogs from helpless hobos. (Well, not really from hobos yet, but I needed a H word there)

There is a method to my madness. I do not mooch carelessly or without direction. In fact, I have four detailed, foolproof mooching schemes that I readily use at a moments' notice. Please take note in case I attempt one of the following on you...

1. "The Mope" - This one is quite easy. Find someone that is eating something delightful... say a box of Pringles for instance. Slobber over and inform that person that you are really hungry. Just the mention of "hungry" will get you 6-10 Pringles 90% of the time. (And 2-6 Pringles 95% of the time, but that study is still ongoing)

2. "The Stick Around Awhile" - This scheme takes a little patience, but is surprisingly effective. Just being around someone that is eating while you are not will get you free food 80% of the time. Allow 5-7 minutes for their guilt to set in and be sure to eyeball the desired food to make your desire clear. It is also helpful to mention that all you have for lunch is a couple mini bagels and an apple.

3. "The I've Never Tried That Before" - This is a great line, even if the target food is something that is fairly common. Say for instance, the person is eating something very common such as a Hershey's Kiss. Your best line is something to the effect of, "I love Hershey's Kisses but I have never had the dark chocolate kind. That sounds interesting and smooth. How long have they been making these? That Hershey, he thinks of everything, doesn't he?" This will land you a beloved Hershey's Kiss nearly 100% of the time.

4. When all else fails, one must try (but very carefully) the complex and twisted, "Cobra Khan Skittles Stratagem". Begin by ensuring a large group of people have assembled in the break/lunch room. Look in the work fridge for your sack lunch. When it is not found (purposefully), become instantly convulsed and begin throwing refrigerator magnets in every direction. When others ask why all the fuss, explain that your lunch has been STOLEN! STOLEN! Then sit down and put your head in your hands. When they ask what they can do, explain that "It's okay, I can make it a couple hours before I get home." (Patting your belly and saying, "It's okay little guy, we can make this" is also very helpful.

Then just sit back and watch the food offers come pouring in. Not only will you be well fed, but you will have your choice of delectable entrees to choose from.

I know. I am despicable. I am worse than despicable, I am a disgrace. And that is why I am here today. I need help. I need this support group. I need you all to help me stop the needless mooching.

I had an idea: If each of you would just give me enough food to last me this week, I will have no need to mooch off my friends and esteemed colleagues.

FYI: I like Pringles and Hershey's Kisses, but I have never tried the kind with the almonds in them.

PS: I know my smoking hot lady-wife is going to read this and be somewhat shocked. She will then look at me and say, "Don't you pack enough food in your lunch everyday? If you don't, that's your own fault." To which I will respond, "Yes, but then I walk by my Principal's office and he is eating a doughnut or something and I will want one." She will then just roll her eyes and say, "Whatever" in that adorable way she does and leave it at that. (The "whatever" and eyeroll from my wife means that 1. I am weird and 2. She doesn't want to concern herself with my petty nonsense anymore)

Wednesday marks 15 years since our first date. You get to know a person pretty well in that amount of time.

1 comment:

Sco said...

I had a college roommate who embraced a bolder version of Cobra Kahn - if he saw something in the fridge that looked good, he just ate it. All of your four methods are far superior to his method. We tried making some Kool-aid with salt once (no sugar - only salt), but unfortunately, Kool-aid didn't look good to him that week.