My conversation with Paula Abdul

What is this I hear? Paula Abdul - you are not returning to American Idol? You've been reduced to blowing kissing in the wind.

I'm a morose wreck.

Paula, really, I save my loudest laughs and groans for you. Week in and week out, you would never disappoint. Your moronic and sometimes asinine statements were both bold and unabashedly idiotic. And to think, some people thought you were saying those things on accident! Deep down, I know you couldn't really be that stupid, could you?

Your logic would often confound even I, your biggest supporter. Hey Baby - you've gotta remember, I'm forever your girl... or boy in this case.

I'm hoping you still have enough painkillers to get you through this tough time.

I saw that that Seacrest mini-brute just got 45 mil to stay on that grotty piece of garbage show. Seacrest doesn't bring a damned thing to the table! He's not even a judge. He's a cold hearted snake, albeit, a very tiny one.

What the producers don't realize, is the show is nothing without you. Straight up now tell me - you are the best thing they've got going. You were a Laker girl!!! You were a Laker girl...

It's not like Kara is suddenly going to have all your silky neck scarves in her closet, that little hussy. Has she even have a single hit single? Did she ever dance in a video with a cartoon cat? No. Kara's got nothing. NOTHING!

Paula, you know I love you. We've come together, cause opposites attract, ya know?!

You know what time it is - It's the promise of a new day. So rush, rush out there and find a new gig. Perhaps the 4th hour of the Today show needs a third co-host? Imagine the sparks that would fly between you, Hoda Huda and Kathy Lee. I know they would pay you what you are worth. (But I am not sure what that number is yet)

You were a Laker girl...