"Girls Night Out" has to be one of the most overblown, overrated and overcooked nights of the year.
I just wish there were more of them. It's the one time that I can take the boys to McDonald's without feeling a bit guilty about it. My guilt, however, is replaced with that sinking, uneasy feeling that you get from eating at McDonald's.
I've noticed a few rules of "Girls Night Out" - and yes, there are rules. This is not some goofy night to be trifled away. Women take this crap seriously! They put more planning into a "Girls Night" than men put into their engagement night. So, here are the rules of "Girls Night Out" as I have seen them.
1. The night must be planned at least four months in advance, thus allowing for women to change the date at least 16 times. Once GNO - as it will be hereafter known - is planned, it may be reshuffled to another day at 16 times. Once the number 16 has been reached, the GNO is replanned for a different day... four months in advance. Then, the process begins again and it is a neverending cycle.
How men do it: Hey, want to get together tonight to watch the game?
2. The eating establishment must be mutually agreed upon by all female parties at least five days in advance. The eating establishment must:
A. Be within a ten minute drive of the movie theater.
B. Be fun and light - or just real feminine with girly entrees like turkey avocado sandwiches or flavored lemonades.
C. Have a separate menu containing entrees with less than 400 calories to go along with their 1,000 calorie dessert.
D. Not have TV's with sports on them or tables with women dancing on them.
E. Be a place that "someone in their Relief Society" told them was "to die for".
F. A combination of all the above.
*If no known eating eating establishment can be established between the parties, one of the sixteen previously mentioned postponements may be used.
How men do it: [Once everyone is assembled] "Hey, before we hit the game, we should grab a burger!" Everyone in unison, like Siamese cavemen: "Yeah, sounds good."
3. Children must be watched by the husbands. If a husband is busy or has previous plans, a babysitter is NOT to be hired. HUSBAND MUST WATCH KIDS! It's only fair on GNO. Of course, if something drastic or unexpected happens and a husband really can not watch the kids, instead of hiring a babysitter, one of the 16 previously mentioned postponements may be used.
** If a husband does hire a babysitter, and does so unbeknown to the wife for date of the GNO, the penalty for said husband is: 2 months - nookie free. I have never received this penalty. I wouldn't dare test this rule.
How men do it: "See ya. I'm watching the game at Brent's. Have fun with the kids, or hire a babysitter, I really don't care."
4. The movie must:
A. Be about shiny skinned, pretentiously absurd, teenaged vampires that can't have sex because either the author went to BYU or something about the vampires killing each other... I am not really sure.
B. Have the word "shopaholic" in the title.
C. Be about someone dying of cancer - but someone funny.
D. Have slow motion camera that circles around two people making out on the corner of a Manhatten street.
E. A combination of all of the above.
How men do it: "Probably something with explosions."
-End of rules -
Thursday is GNO in our household. Unless of course, the ladies can't agree on a suitable eating establishment, in which case a postponement will be in order. Fortunately, they have only used 3 of their allotted postponements so far.
In the mean time, my ten piece McNuggetts, fries and subsequent six hours of heartburn will be awaiting me. And I am NOT washing the boy's hands after the Playland. Men simply refuse to carry that hand sanitizer goobaly goop in their pockets.
(Give that my audience is 75% female, I can't wait to get flamed for this one. Well.. flame away ladies! Also, I used a lot of pink in this post - to better appease all the ladies that may be offended)