Tuesday, July 14, 2009

I don't mind "Girls Night Out", but why does it have to be so stinking complicated?

"Girls Night Out" has to be one of the most overblown, overrated and overcooked nights of the year.

I just wish there were more of them. It's the one time that I can take the boys to McDonald's without feeling a bit guilty about it. My guilt, however, is replaced with that sinking, uneasy feeling that you get from eating at McDonald's.

I've noticed a few rules of "Girls Night Out" - and yes, there are rules. This is not some goofy night to be trifled away. Women take this crap seriously! They put more planning into a "Girls Night" than men put into their engagement night. So, here are the rules of "Girls Night Out" as I have seen them.


1. The night must be planned at least four months in advance, thus allowing for women to change the date at least 16 times. Once GNO - as it will be hereafter known - is planned, it may be reshuffled to another day at 16 times. Once the number 16 has been reached, the GNO is replanned for a different day... four months in advance. Then, the process begins again and it is a neverending cycle.

How men do it: Hey, want to get together tonight to watch the game?

2. The eating establishment must be mutually agreed upon by all female parties at least five days in advance. The eating establishment must:

A. Be within a ten minute drive of the movie theater.
B. Be fun and light - or just real feminine with girly entrees like turkey avocado sandwiches or flavored lemonades.
C. Have a separate menu containing entrees with less than 400 calories to go along with their 1,000 calorie dessert.
D. Not have TV's with sports on them or tables with women dancing on them.
E. Be a place that "someone in their Relief Society" told them was "to die for".
F. A combination of all the above.

*If no known eating eating establishment can be established between the parties, one of the sixteen previously mentioned postponements may be used.

How men do it: [Once everyone is assembled] "Hey, before we hit the game, we should grab a burger!" Everyone in unison, like Siamese cavemen: "Yeah, sounds good."

3. Children must be watched by the husbands. If a husband is busy or has previous plans, a babysitter is NOT to be hired. HUSBAND MUST WATCH KIDS! It's only fair on GNO. Of course, if something drastic or unexpected happens and a husband really can not watch the kids, instead of hiring a babysitter, one of the 16 previously mentioned postponements may be used.

** If a husband does hire a babysitter, and does so unbeknown to the wife for date of the GNO, the penalty for said husband is: 2 months - nookie free. I have never received this penalty. I wouldn't dare test this rule.

How men do it: "See ya. I'm watching the game at Brent's. Have fun with the kids, or hire a babysitter, I really don't care."

4. The movie must:

A. Be about shiny skinned, pretentiously absurd, teenaged vampires that can't have sex because either the author went to BYU or something about the vampires killing each other... I am not really sure.
B. Have the word "shopaholic" in the title.
C. Be about someone dying of cancer - but someone funny.
D. Have slow motion camera that circles around two people making out on the corner of a Manhatten street.
E. A combination of all of the above.

How men do it: "Probably something with explosions."

-End of rules -

Thursday is GNO in our household. Unless of course, the ladies can't agree on a suitable eating establishment, in which case a postponement will be in order. Fortunately, they have only used 3 of their allotted postponements so far.

In the mean time, my ten piece McNuggetts, fries and subsequent six hours of heartburn will be awaiting me. And I am NOT washing the boy's hands after the Playland. Men simply refuse to carry that hand sanitizer goobaly goop in their pockets.

(Give that my audience is 75% female, I can't wait to get flamed for this one. Well.. flame away ladies! Also, I used a lot of pink in this post - to better appease all the ladies that may be offended)


Tammy said...

Hmmmm. What could possibly have prompted this post today? Hmmmm.

GNO does seem so complicated. It's hard for 4 women with different schedules to try to find a time to get together without children! And it became more complicated when we made a specific plan only to find out the movie isn't playing on that day at that time. And more complicated when we had to change the movie location plus figure out a new place to eat. Oh wait. That still isn't done yet.

I love GNO!

Lori said...

It's only become so complicated because of that dang Harry Potter!

However, it IS hard to find a night we can all meet. Actually, now that I say that...a lot of that has to do with the husbands schedules, not ours. Mine has YM Tuesday, Tam's has basketball Wednesday, and Nat's has EQ meeting on Thursdays. Hmmm, you seem to be the only "easy" husband to plan around.

Lindsey V said...

Siamese cavemen???

Cheeseboy said...

Yes Lyndsey, I think that I had just inhaled a sniff of the neighbor's pot when I wrote that. I have no idea what it means.

As for you other two, you ALWAYS have an excuse. Blame it on the men all you want, but when we want to go somewhere, we just go.

Erica Phillips said...

Oh this sounds like the never ending argument Dustin and I have. BUT, I will back up Lori on this one because we are not only working around our schedules, but we have to work around our hubby's schedules too. But when Dustin wants to go out, he simply goes after work and has not a care in the world because he knows I will always be home with the girls. So GNO is great, but sometimes more trouble than it is worth.

Cheeseboy said...

Erica and the other ladies - you make some good points about busy husbands, blah blah blah.

I guess my point is (and I can't spea for the other husbands) if my wife wanted to just come home one night and say "I am going out with the girls" I'd be perfectly fine with that. Instead, it is this big drama filled plan session that takes hours to communicate.

myphillipshome said...

I only ever go out on Wednesdays when she is at her moms and I'm sure not going to wait for all of my buddies to have the same free time to hang out. If it only works for one other guy, and not all 15 then the world still turns and we continue on as if everyone was there. I pushed and pushed her to go out on a GNO so many times its not even funny if she would just stop trying to follow the rules and wing it she could go out every week. How hard can it be I get up before she is awake to go to work and I know GNO isn't going to happen at 5:30. On the other hand I'm home around 5PM every day except for Tuesdays because I have scouts. All she needs to do is call me say around 3PM and say "can you be home at 5PM I’m going to get a burger and see the most girly movie at the theater with the 1 of my 15 girlfriends that was free, I'll be home late so don't wait up".

Erica Phillips said...

Ya Abe, you opened up a can with this one....so I don't plan a schedule around 15 girls, only like 5 or 6. And he does get every wednesday with the boys and there is no way in hell (pardon my french)that I could ever have one set day a week for me...there is too much crap to work around (ie. dance, scouts, dance, dance etc.) So I will admitt that Dustin is a very supportive husband of GNO but in the end, it is easier for the boys to do. End of discussion. Period.

Cathi said...

I'm with you Dustin! I feel exactly the same way.

But really, you have one day a week to hang with the guys? That sounds awesome - but no way my wife is allowing me to do that. (Sorry Cath, you know it's true)

I'd be happy if I could just get my wife to go out with me on a date - just us two -one day a week.

Cheeseboy said...

Okay, that last comment should have been by me and not my wife. I didn't realize I was signed in as her. Oops.

It would be funny if she really felt that way though.