When Cathi went to girl's camp this past week, the girls were very interested in their leader's first kiss with their husbands. Cathi was willing to share our enchanting embrace, but as it turns out, teenage girls nowadays are disgusted by the thought of kissing on the first date. Cathi tried to explain that we had known each other for quite some time before the passion filled smooch. However, it mattered not. Apparently, if you kiss someone on the first date it seals your fate as a terrestrial being and ensures your place in the Young Women Hall of Shame.
The story of our first kiss brought back a flood of memories. I give you my exact thoughts as I leaned in for what would be the first of many kisses...
(By the way, our ages at the time were 18 & 17. It was December 23, 1994. I have not kissed another girls since.)
-- Okay Abe... I think she really likes you... She held your hand and everything after the movie. Oh, and my hand was sooo sweaty. I should have spread some deodorant on them like I usually do. But I thought I really had no chance with this girl. She is the cutest, coolest, most sensational girl I have ever dated. I am so stupid! Why didn't I deodorize my hands? I should have deodorized my hands.
--She even laughed at your joke at your Adam Sandler impersonation! Ha ha, that was actually pretty funny, most people would actually laugh at that.... But she did seem to laugh extra hard. Come to think of it, she laughed at me all night. That has only ever happened before with my ugly dates. Remember Debbie? Oh gross, how could I forget that laugh? That stomach bouncing with every chuckle - yuck!
--Alright, let's do this! But look at her. If I kiss her, she will break my "hottest girl I have ever kissed" record. And it is not even close! I will have to put up a new plaque with her picture on it. No, that will not be enough for this girl... She deserves a statue. Yes, a full fledged statue made of melted plastic roses. Wow, that is really creepy; I know we made a connection, but I hope she is not reading my mind right now. If she is, I was totally kidding about that statue comment. But you knew that because you totally get me. I wonder is she has some antiperspirant spray in her bathroom?
-- Okay, deep breath, and here we go. Lean in - lips at the ready - WAIT! - Pull back! Retreat! What if she doesn't want to kiss me? No girl this hot has ever wanted to kiss me. Why am I kidding myself here? Maybe she is just a big tease? Maybe she is one of those girls that goes out with goofy guys just to get a laugh and a free meal at Crown Burger? Hey, if she loves Crown Burger, that automatically makes her cool. - Sigh - Lets just give this a few minutes... I'm not ready. My hands are the Niagara Falls of hands right now.
-- Get some confidence here Abe. Come on. You have met 311 for goodness sakes! I bet she has never dated anyone that has met those guys. You are a killer dancer and a master karaoke artist. She would be lucky to kiss you. Then why could I wash my car with my hands right now?
-- We have been sitting here for an hour now. She is still sitting very close. What the heck am I waiting for? Abe, it's time to grow up. This one is not getting away. Lets do this! Just as soon as my hands stop sweating. I wonder who is winning the Jazz game right now. Oh geez! FOCUS ABE! FOCUS! Would she notice if I returned from her bathroom with hands that smell like her armpits?
-- Breath - decent. B.O. - fine (I think). Hair - Who cares. Unibrow - shaved last night. Sweaty hands - wiped on pants, better wipe again for safe measure. Oh great... now it looks like I pee'd my pants! Nevermind that now... It's go time.
-- Lean in slowly... Lips at the ready... and ... What the??? YES! She is kissing me back! This is great! But why is she kissing ME? Who cares? This is great! Just keep on with the kissing. I wonder if she would like a little thing I made up called the lip curl maneuver? No, I better practice that a few more times on my mirror. Just play it safe Abe... play it safe.
-- Oh crap. She is closing her eyes. Should I be closing my eyes? I am not very good or experienced at this. Forget that - If I close my eyes, I can't see her. What if I close my eyes and then when I open them, I will be back in my bed and this will have all been a dream? What if she opens her eyes and sees my eyes open? What if she opens her eyes and realizes she is kissing ME? I better close my eyes. Okay, eyes closed. Not as fun.
-- Okay... now I wonder how long this is supposed to last? It is, after all, our first kiss. How long does the average first kiss last? How long did that first kiss last in Back to the Future? What if I have already passed that time limit and she is just waiting for me to stop? I better end it or she will wonder if I am creepy. Okay, ready and... wait, no this is great...no no, better stop. STOP!
-- Okay stopped. Wow, that was great. Wait until I tell Steve! Wait until I tell everyone! No, no... I'll just tell Steve. But wow! She is so beautiful. Just look how pretty she is. I can't mess this one up. Most likely I will, but I am going to try so hard not to. And look, she isn't even gagging or vomiting like the other girls. I am the luckiest boy alive!
The End. And The Beginning.