I feel like sending all my readers a Facebook event invitation to read this post about Facebook.

As the world's foremost Facebook connoisseur, blogging (and making snide comments) about the site is my ultimate responsibility.  Here are some of my current "likes" or "thumbs up" or "I will now receive notification of every worthless comment on this status update because I clicked like" about facebook.

1. Facebook Events Invitations.

There's nothing better than getting an event invite.  They make you feel wanted, desired and even needed.  Your "friend" NEEDS you at this event!  Why, they even took the time to send you a Facebook invitation.  Nothing is more personal and intimate than a random Facebook event invitation.

The best part of Facebook event invites is that you can say "yes", "no", or "maybe".  Sure, I might be there. I always might be anywhere. Chances are slim to none, but sure, there is a very slight chance that I will find myself on a Saturday night in your Grandma's basement for a "Lord of the Rings Costume Party/Marathon of Movies".   

I'll click "maybe". 

Definitiveness is a trait that Facebook does not understand.

2. The Facebook Friend Finder.

The real name of this tool should be "The Facebook Friend of Friend Stalking Machine".  Who is this person?  We have 13 friends in common.  Why is it that I have no idea who this person is?  Well, there is only one thing to do:  I must look at every picture on this person's profile and figure out why I don't know them.

[30 minutes later] Strange.  I swear I should know this person.  At least they have a cute dog and the comforter on their bed has a classy purple hue.  I feel so dirty.

3. Jim Gaffigan Status Updates/Tweets

The world's best comedian has the world's best updates.  Examples:

This is the best restaurant in a carpet store basement I have ever been to.
  
Chris Columbus gets his own holiday? I mean Home Alone 2.was good but a parade for the guy?
  
Victoria's Secret now has Halloween costumes. I hope they have an Iron Man for my son.
  
I get it. “The Biggest Loser” is a show about stories of inspiration masked in an enormous insult, right?
  
When is that guy from the Men's Wearhouse commercials gonna clear his throat?
  
Do you think “Ring of Fire” was written the morning after eating a lot of Jalapeños?
  
"In here, it's always Friday." Yeah, but unfortunately ur spending your Friday in crappy restaurant.

The short Blog O' Cheese vomit hiatus

Hello my beloved readers.

The Blog O' Cheese will be on a short hiatus while I clear this stomach bug from my loins. 

I will hopefully be back with you all shortly.

Saturday Graph: The Professions of an Origami-ist

An Open Letter to Sir Tony Danza (Recently knighted)

 Dear Mr. Tony Danza,

You are ruining teaching.  You are stealing it from me.  The honor of the profession is the lone thing I have over rich folks and you are pulling it out of my cold, chalky hands. (My hands are cold because I use frozen chalk.  I find that it limits forefinger chafing.)

I can already hear their wealthy, smug, voices while they chew on their caviar:

Oh, you are a teacher?  How hard can it be if Tony Danza does it? 

Tony, your new reality series, Teach: Tony Danza is ruining my life. Quite honestly, I’d rather watch Paris Hilton or one of the Geico cavemen teach 14-year-olds English on a reality show than you.

Teaching is so easy, even Tony Danza can do it.

Everyone is saying it. 

How about a reality series where you try your hand at a talk show?  Oh, that’s right, you already ruined that profession.

How about a show where you drive taxi cabs with Doc from Back to the Future?  How about a reality show that involves saying the word “Angelar” over and over until you realize there is actually no R at the end?

No?

You really have to make the profession of teaching a laughingstock?  Teaching? You do realize I went to school for six years and poured my heart into this job, right?  You realize I make about as much in a year as you did in an hours work on Angels in the Outfield? 

Tony, my man, you are a national treasure.  You don’t need this bull.  I’m sure they’d love to have you on Dancing with Sarah Palin’s Daughter.  They’d kill for your star power on one of those STD VH1 dating shows.  You could take Bret Michael's place.

You don’t need to prove your blue collard-ness to us, Tony.  We get it - you’re from Brooklyn. But the truth is, you are a multi-thousandaire and we teachers get paid in five dollar Target Gift Cards and Happenings Book coupons.

I eat at Five Guys and you eat at one of those fancy-dancy, affluent Italian places like The Macaroni Grill. 

You and I, we are not one and the same.  When women meet me, they think that it is adorable that I teach first grade.  Now they will just look at me, shake their head and mumble something about Tony Danza’s new career under their breath.  It’s embarrassing.

Perhaps your show will prove how difficult teaching really is?  Perhaps you will fail miserably and the students will end up giving you wedgies until you promise to bring Alyssa Milano?  Doubtful though. Most likely, A&E will end up making you look better than you really are. (Think: Family Law those episodes of The Love Boat that you were in.)

Tony, this is my final plea.  Please don’t do this. You are not a smart man.  Dumb acting dopes from Brooklyn do not make good teachers.

Yours truly,

An actual teacher that actually takes his job (semi) seriously.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to check my Happenings book for a coupon for awesome.

When people in India call the United States for technical support

- Thank you for calling Apple technical support, my name is "Rasheed".  How may I help you?

- Uh, are you sure your name is "Rasheed"?

- Yes sir. 

- Okay, ahem... "Rasheed", I can't seem to turn off my iPod.

- Have you tried holding down the power button?

- I can't understand what you are saying.  Isn't there anyone there that speaks Hindi?

- I am speaking Hindi, sir.

- No, you are not. You are speaking some sort of strange Hindi cowboy dialect.  Are you in Texas?  Are you wearing spurs under your desk?  Is John Wayne whispering in your ear what to say? 

- I am trying to help you sir.  Have you tried to hold down the power button?

- And what button would that be?

- It's the big round one right in the middle.

- This is pathetic!  Why can't I just get a straight answer from you people?  No one listens in your country.  It's like you're all sitting on your couches, watching Real Wife House Lives and slowly obesitizing yourselves with your hotdogs and various Chex mixes.

- That's very offensive sir.  Most of us eat cheeseburgers while watching TV, not hotdogs. Now, it's the round button.  In the middle.  Can you try holding it down?

- How do you feel about stealing an Indian's job?  Don't you know that we stole your jobs fair and square, and now you are trying to steal them back? 

- If the middle button does not work, you can try to plug the iPod into your computer and restore the factory settings.

- I can't understand a word you are saying.  Your American is too thick.  Can I speak to your supervisor?

- Sure thing sir.

- What is his name?

- Her name is Gajra sir.

- Figures.  Sure, let me talk to this "Gajra".

**This post was not written as a social statement, but rather a call to treat each other civilly and with kindness, regardless of race or nationality. So I guess in a way, yes, it was a social statement.

TWO... Count them TWO features in one day!! I am like a blogging superstar!

Okay, as you may know, I have a guest post over on Kelley's Breakroom that you can read by going here.

Or here:


But what you may not know is that there is video of my ugly mug on my other great blog buddy, Denalee's blog.  She came and visited me and did some amazing video. You can watch me now here.

This is Denalee.  She is swell.

Or here:
http://lovely-silver-strands.blogspot.com

Yeah, I am pretty much the most amazingly talented man/blogger that ever lived.

Abe visits the break room.

Hello all!  Today I am guest posting over at Kelley's Breakroom. 

Kelley is a good blogger friend and her break room is full of  fun.

Check out my post here.  You won't be disappointed.  Or maybe you will be, in which case, that will be Kelley's problem and not mine.

The Cheeseboy Guide to Becoming a Chimney Sweep.

One has not lived until one has cleansed one's own chimney.

The intensity and brutality associated with climbing up your home's central aorta and then becoming as-one with the heart of your home; covered in the elegance of your own family's soot. It is a marvelous experience.  The satisfaction that is reached is only rivaled by a visit to the Sistine Chapel or drinking Brooke Burke's Diet Coke backwash.

Not convinced? Trust me, a single chimney sweep and your addiction level will soar to cheap nicotine patch levels.  My excitement level for your first sweeping has reached biblical, jawbone-of-an-ass like proportions.

Before you go gallivanting up your chimney like a fairy ninja with a wire brush, you're going to want to take some precautions and do things right.  My job is to ensure tranquility and asylum to my beloved chimney anxious readers.

The Sweeper first rule of thumb is: keep your thumbs in when in enclosed, dark spaces.  Actually, that is the only real rule of thumb, as chimney sweeps only use their thumbs for thumbing for rides in between big jobs.  Thus stems the popular Sweep phrase: "Thumbs free and easy, boys.  Free and easy.  It's the Sweep livelihood."

Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, you are going to need to wear the official Sweep regalia.  First and foremost, you are going to need a worn, dodgy pair of suspenders. Really, any suspenders will do, but I'd recommend that they be slightly tattered and be imported from Dear Old England.  You might also want to douse them with a little Old Spice to ensure crusted sexiness.

You are also going to want to invest in a stylish top hat.  (Preferably NOT white.)

The next stop you are going to have to make is a stop to the Sweep store.  Check out FireplaceEssentials.com and check out their enormous selection of brushes, rods and sanitizers.

Here's an industry inside secret for purchasing a sturdy chimney brush, which is to be held in the strictest of confidence: When it comes to sweeping chimneys, the longer the brush, the better.  For example, let's say that you have a two-foot long brush... your brushing potential will be limited to about a two-foot reach. 

It's simple mathematics really.

Personally, I'd strongly recommend buying a brush that is at least as long as your chimney.  I'd prefer one that is twice as long as the chimney, but then you are looking at buying a ladder and that is an unneeded expense.

Sweeping is a serious business and THAT is precisely why you are going to need to pick up a fake English accent.  It doesn't have to be an overwhelming accent - perhaps just a little Bridget Jones, peppered with a slight twinge of Keanu Reeve's remarkable work in Bram Stoker's Dracula.  Keep in mind that you are only required to maintain the accent during the actual cleaning session.

Lastly, sweeping involves a lot of jolly warm-up play and pre-clean activity.  Often, we Sweeps will get together before a cleanse, slap hands and playfully jump around on the rooftops like little boys.  It might bequeath you to take a few dance lessons and it wouldn't hurt to do a few squats every eve.

Alas, you are now ready to tackle that cherished chimney. As you can see, the main ingredients to a successful Sweep is to look and act the part. My best wishes to you and I look forward to hearing your various stories of success.

Improv Everywhere Clip of the Day: Star Wars Subway Car

Improv Everywhere is one of my favorite things in life. Here is one of their latest missions, surprising subway passengers in the The Star Wars Subway Car.

At the 20 year 80's sitcom reunion...

Benson: ORDER PLEASE! ORDER! Will everyone please take their seats?  Please sit down, we've got a lot of catching up to do tonight.

Tootie: Sorry I'm late everybody.  Natalie fell off the back of Joe's motorcycle and we're pretty sure she broke her hip.  I told her she was too big for the back of that death-trap.

Heathcliff Huxtable: Are they outside?  I am a doctor you know.  I deliver babies in my basement.

Tootie: She'll be fine.  Bull is carrying her over his shoulder to the hospital.  By the way, when are you going to retire Dr. Huxtable? And don't you think it's a little creepy that you have stirrups in your basement?


Heathcliff Huxtable: This coming from a forty year old woman that still goes by the name of "Tootie"...

Balki Bartokomous: That is exactly why we have extended seat motorcycles in Mypos... for the larger ladies of the island.

Tony Micelli: My bike has the 900 horsepower!

Henry Warnimont: OH, HERE WE GO AGAIN!  Will Tony ever shut up about that blasted bike?!

Tony Micelli: So, tell us Henry, how did Punky's breast reduction surgery go?

Joey: WHOA!

Henry Warnimont: Tony, if I weren't 97, I'd climb over this table and punch you right in that Italian face of yours.

Judge Harry T. Stone: I know what would break up the tension - anyone want to see a magic trick?

Cliff Claven: It's a little known fact that magic tricks were derived from Prince Juniper's foray into the mystical world of the pre-pimphood lifestyle in the early 1600's...

Mr. Belvadere: Shut it, sir.  Has anyone seen Wesley.  WES-LEY?!

Ricky Stratton: He's outside hitting on that robot chick.  The one that's pretty and bright with soft curls.


Mr. Belvadere: The girl unlike other girls, Ricky?

Ricky Stratton: Yes, and it's Rick.  Rick.

Mr. Belvadere: Thanks Ricky.  I'm surprised she finally came out of the cabinet.

Ricky Stratton: It's Rick.

Buddy Lembeck: Can we hurry this up?  Charles and I have to meet the girls up at the lake.

ALF: HAAA! I thought you said there was going to be cat on the menu?


Nell Carter: And I thought there was going to be vacuumed fish.

Mike Seaver:  Wha-cha-talkin-bout Nell?

Willis Drummond: Not cool, Mike.  Not cool. By the way where's Boner?

Larry: Hi, my name is Larry and this is my brother Darryl and this is my other brother Darryl.

Benson: Would you all please just SHUT UP?

Joey: WHOA!

This week in Cheeseboy Facebook status updates.

I give a lot of thought to my facebook status updates.  Here is a rundown of the past couple weeks:

Today at 8:32 PM: A first grader came up to me at recess today and said, "Someone wrote 'Flick you benches!' with a marker on the slide." I told her thank you and I was grateful she couldn't read well yet.

Friday at 4:57 PM: With the new facebook movie coming out today, I have to think that they will at least make mention of my epic status updates in the sequel.

September 22 at 5:22 PM: Two separate headlines on today USAToday.com about KFC:
1. KFC tries to revive founder's prestige 
2. KFC pays college women for ad space on buns

September 21 at 3:37 PM: Glee starts it's second season tonight. I wonder if this will be the episode that the teacher realizes his students are the same age as him?

September 15 at 4:58 PM: If I could marry any famous woman it would be Jamie Lee Curtis because she writes childrens books, is rich and free yogurt.

September 16 at 8:26 PM: My 8-year-old son had much more fun at The Lion King with mom than the Utah game with dad. I think the main problem is that football games do not have enough dancing fuzzballs singing corny Elton John songs.

September 17 at 6:40 PM: Lincoln was chosen to sing a solo in his school choir. Thinking of giving him a mohawk and renaming him Puck.

And for those of you that might be interested watching my son's solo, here he is in his debut at the local Barnes and Noble.  Barnes and Noble is actually kinda like the Hard Rock Cafe of the literary third grade world.  Unless you are an immediate family member of the Cheese, don't feel obligated to watch, unless you want to; in which case, he is the adorable kid in the middle that can't figure out what to do with the paper in his hand. (He sings verse 2)

Saturday Graph: Things Yelled Daily In Our House

This is how big of a moron I am.

Actual thoughts I've had in the past 3 months.

- I think that I can actually make money on my blog now by using Google ads!

- I don't know if I have enough readers.  Maybe?  But it's free, so I am going to try it.

[2 weeks pass]

- It says here I have made 16 cents. That's it?!  I guess I won't be quitting my day job any time soon.  This is bogus.

[2 weeks pass]

- I wonder what would happen if I clicked on my own ads? I mean, they want people to visit the ads, right?  What do they care if it is me or some other knucklehead?  Visitors is visitors, right?

[2 weeks pass]

- $38?! This is incredible!  I have to start telling my wife to start clicking on the ads every time she visits too.  Now I really WILL be able to give up my day job soon.

[2 weeks pass] 

- $72?!  I'll be getting my first check soon.  I'm buying a new iPod.  No, a new back scratcher.  No, a new iPod, back scratcher combo: WITH a separate remote control.

- I am doubling my efforts - clicking twice as often.  I mean, the companies that pay for advertising like a lot of hits.  The more times I visit their site, the better chances I will eventually end up BUYING something!  They'll love me for this.

- I am a blog marketing genus.

[2 weeks pass]

- This email from Google is ridiculous!  What do they mean I "signed the agreement"?!  No one reads those stupid things.  Sure I clicked agree, but I thought I was simply agreeing to collecting money - boatloads and boatloads of money.

[2 weeks later - talking to a friend]

Friend: You thought you could get paid to click on your own ads?

Me: Yeah, so?

Friend: You're a moron.

Me: Yeah, I know. But I'm blogging this, so I win.

Friend: So, you'd rather have fodder over cash?

Me: I guess I don't have a choice now, do I?

How I can keep my 'man-card' while watching Glee.

I'll admit it, I watch Glee.

It's not something I am proud of.  Or it is something I am proud of? Or am I not?  I'm still not really sure.

One thing is for certain: I enjoy watching Glee. I can justify my Glee adoration by maintaining my manliness while enjoying an episode.  Here's how it's done:

1. First of all, I always watch Glee while eating a steak, covered in beef jerky and hot sauce. 

2. When the kids sing a show tune from a musical, I always turn to my wife and say, "I've never heard this song.  Is it from one of those flamboyant, singalong loopy-doop plays you enjoy?" I do this even if I know exactly where the song is from.

3. If it seems as if the show is going to make me cry, I wake up one of my sons and have them punch me as hard as they can in the stomach while yelling, "BUCK UP, NANCY!"

4. During the obviously fake football scenes, I say things like, "They really should have run a screen there.  They would have had a much better chance for a first down - what with the way the linebackers are cheating up on the line."

5. When the "kids" in the show suddenly break out in song for no real reason, I ask questions like, "Where are all the instruments?" and "How do they just know the words so well?"

6. During long, drawn out love songs, I try and figure out if there is a slushie machine in the school or if there is a 7-11 across the street.  Where are all these slushies coming from and why haven't they been outlawed at this school yet?  How many slushies must be thrown before the madness ends?

7. Every time the teacher sings a sappy song from Les Miserables, I look at my waxed arm and wonder what kind of horrid turns my life has taken lately.

8. During boring, extensive singing scenes, I imagine how much more awesome the show would be if all the characters were actually Muppets.

Dear Diary: An excerpt from adult Disneyland regular Kevin's journal.

This post was inspired by a man I met while waiting in line at Disneyland 3 years ago.  This man (age 32) had been to Disneyland every day of his life for 8 straight years.  He knew all the workers by name and knew the inside and out of the park.  The following is an exert from his diary:

Not Disneyland. The fam at Disneyworld.

Dear Diary,


Today marks my 2,459th straight day in Disneyland and I must say, I can feel the throbbing pain deep in my thighs.   Fortunately, I only wore one fanny pack, as opposed to my normal three, so my weight was more evenly distributed for maximum wait times. I also wore my new pair of Velcro Cars shoes with inserts so that my feat would remain stable for the parade that would be held later in the eve.


Cast Member Aaron was a real dip-wad today. He was all, "Hey Kevin, isn't Alice In Wonderland a little babyish for you?!"  And I was like, "You're the baby!  You're the one wearing the green overall Capri's and ruffled pirate shirt!"   

He got all huffy when I showed him my year round pass and told him that he was a subservient theme park worker.  IN YOUR FACE AARON!  

The train only circled the park 117 times today, as opposed to it's normal average of 139.  Must have been oodles of stroller passengers, what with their "extra folding time" and their failure to understand the conductor's stern "Passengers with small children should sit away from the aisles" warning.  Morons!

My mom packed me a tuna sandwich today.  I tell her every day, "I DON'T WANT TUNA, MA!  CHIP AND DALE CAN SMELL IT ON ME!  THEY WON'T GET THEIR PICTURE WITH ME!"  Then she has the audacity to tell me to get a job and stop living in my youth.   It's not that I don't appreciate the tuna, it's just that I always end up buying a churro and tossing the sandwich anyway.  But mom doesn't understand that.  She just wants to yell at me for never dating and not eating enough Omega 3's.

I'm 32 years old, I think I can make my own decisions, Ma!

Speaking of dating, I swear Ariel winked at me from her Grotto today.  That's like the third day in a row.  I am thinking of asking her out, but I worry about where our children would attend school.  I prefer they attend the little one in Toon Town.  I think Daisy teaches there.

The birds in the Tiki Room were on fire today!  I mean, they really had it going on!!!  Perfect pitch, excellent tone, an explosive finale.  I've never seen the fellas in such perfect rhythm. I gave them a 5 minute standing ovation.  Cast Member Carol had to finally kick me out because the next group was coming in.

I doubt that next group received the same grand performance as we did.


I drove the Autopia cars today, despite the hour long line.  When I got on, Cast Member Chuck was like, "Now Kevin, we tell you this every time, do not bump the car in front of you."  Chuck is an idiot. 


So, diary, another day down.  Tomorrow I think that I am going to head over to Tomorrow Land and catch Captain E-O before heading to the Peter Pan.  These people, they just get me.

(FYI, my apologies to all my blogging friends.  I have been extremely busy as of late.  I promise to get around to all your blogs asap.)